kicked out pregnant sister...paying all her bills...feeling used

[fevredream]

Hi, it has been a few months since I posted about having to kick out my pregnant sister.  She did move out on time and with minimal fuss.  She found a place owned by her best friend's grandmother.  Got a part time job.  Was doing good.  She said if she had a car, she could get an assistant manager position.  So, I told her I would co-sign for her and pay for insurance on a car that she could afford (so $200 or less/month).  I found a car right away and we signed the paperwork for it.  As we left the dealership, I laughingly said "and you learned your lesson and you won't let anyone drive it right?" and she laughed and said "no way!"  8 days later, she let her friend drive it and they hit someone as they were turning onto a side street. No one was hurt.  After a month, the insurance agreed to pay.  I finally got the car back at the end of September.  In the meantime, a friend gave me her 10 year old car with 275K miles on it to give to my sister.  The "new" car with the car payment is my car now.  It all worked out for the best because I got the car, my sister is still on the loan so her credit is getting some help and she has the kind of car she should have had in the first place.

  Around week 23 the doctor said the baby wasn't hitting her (yes, its a girl) growth milestones so he sent her to a specialist.  the specialist did blood work and discovered that my sister has multiple blood clotting disorders that usually result in multiple miscarriages before it is diagnosed.  They put her on injectable Lovenox once a day and baby aspirin.  The doctors also tested for genetic abnormalities and chromosomal problems with the baby but they didn't find any.  At that point the doctor told her should would not need to get a second job and she would eventually be put on bed rest. But they could not say when.  The doctor put her on modified bed rest about 3 weeks ago.  and since she had been working fewer hours, she couldn't pay her bills.  And she told me that the baby daddy (who is a carpenter) had not been working so he didn't have any money.  So, this past month, I paid all her bills.  I have been taking her to her doctor appointments because I can't stand the thought of her getting bad news and being alone.  As of now, she is about 31 weeks.  at the last check (10/8) the baby was measured and appears to weigh only about 1 lb and 4 oz.  I go into the OB office with her and I am on speaker phone when she is with the specialist so I know the problems with the baby are real.  There is still a good chance the baby will die in utero or soon after birth.  Or have to have a long NICU stay.  Two weeks ago (week 28 or 29) the doctor said if the baby was to be born then, she would not make it.  I now know that was because some heart issues had been seen on the doppler ultrasound (two stenosis in the heart) but as of Monday, those issues were not noted.  The nurse said with things like that, they don't usually tell the mother unless it is serious because things change week to week.  Her OB told us about the stenosis and scared us both to death.  They have told her that she could go into the hospital any day and to keep a bag packed in the car.  they are looking for specific things that will tell them the baby needs to be born.  she will have a c-section because they said the baby might not be able to handle a vaginal birth.  Only one person will be allowed into the hospital with her for the entire time she is in there.  We agreed that I am best to be that person because she can count on me, I can get off work and I ask questions.  as long as she is not positive for Covid when she goes into the hospital, I will be able to come and go.  if she does test positive, I will either have to stay with her the entire time or she will have to be alone.  She can't have any visitors other than me because of the virus.

I came back here because I am feeling really manipulated.  For weeks I have been hearing about how she keeps asking the father for money and he makes promises but never gives her anything.  She said she had blocked him on everything until he could give her money.  She says when he does give her money, she will give it straight to me.  This week (she goes to her OB once a week and the specialist twice a week) she told me he came over and helped her clean up the house.  She gave him a ride to his parents house and they were so happy to see her.  His mom has three bags of clothes for the baby.  and the father is so excited and he can't wait to hold her and play with her etc.  and I just listened.  i didn't say anything.  but ever since, I have been feeling really manipulated and also that I have no choice to but help her.  If it was still a "normal" pregnancy, I don't think I would be so conflicted.  I can't abandon her while she is in this state.  I am trying to figure out what to do and how to rebuild my boundaries when it is obvious that she will need lots of help.  I feel like I have 3 options.
  1. I can keep paying her bills where she is staying until things are better and she can go back to work.   but there is no telling when that will be or how much care the baby will need.
2. I can tell her I can't pay her bills and she needs to move in with me.  Except we don't get along that great except in small doses.  And if she is in my house, I know I will be doing all the work, before and after the baby is born.
3.  I can come up with a set amount of money that I am willing to give her to help with her bills and tell her the father needs to come up with the rest. Currently I have offered to pay her rent ($200/month) and her utility bill (also around $200).  I also pay her phone bill ($61/month) and I gave her $200 at the beginning of the month for gas and food for when she goes to the doctor (but now I am doing all the driving).  I am also paying the car note and insurance for the car we co-signed for.  so, in one way or another I am supporting her with about $1k/month. this seems like the best option but it could lead to her being stressed over money issues aand any stress is bad for the baby.
I can't cut her off completely.  I need to find a way to keep from feeling such resentment for helping her.  It seems so suspicious to me that the father distanced himself when she needed money.  Now that she isn't NEEDING money, he is back and making so many promises.  Part of the resentment I feel is that I know he is all talk.  He will never do what he says but he will say whatever he thinks she wants to hear because he can keep stringing her along.  I can't make her grow some self esteem and confidence and kick him to the curb.  If I could, I would have done that first thing.
I appreciate all comments and insight to help me through this awful tangle.

[notrightinthehead]

One of the first self help books I read asked the reader to replace all the 'can't' with 'won't'.  Which seems appropriate in your case. I presume your sister is an adult and you are not her legal guardian because she has a cognitive impairment.  Being an adult means that you are responsible for the choices you make. As you well know. So is your sister.  If that is the case,  you could walk away from these problems any minute. They are not your problems.  The fact that you make them your problems shows that you are a kind and caring person. The fact that you feel resentment shows that you are pushed beyond your limits and beyond what is reasonable assistance. Please take your own wellbeing into as much consideration as you do your sister's. Maybe a little bit more. Take a time out, since now your sister has support from others, and decide what you are really willing to do, pay, sacrifice - what works for you and shows that you respect yourself. 

[Thru the Rain]

You are clearly a kind, warm-hearted person acting from a place of love and duty and maybe a little bit of "somebody's gotta DO something here!".

The "somebody" should have been the baby's father. And as hard as it is to watch two irresponsible adults have a baby, your sister chose him to be the father of her child. If he's stepping back in, you should absolutely step back out.

From your description you and your sister may have fallen into "Rescuer" and "Victim" roles, which isn't good for either of you. Here's a link describing the Drama Triangle that may give you some tools for stepping out of the Rescuer role: https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/  (There are many articles about the drama triangle aka Karpman drama triangle on the internet.)

I found that evaluating frustrating relationships through the Drama Triangle lens helped me understand how I could step out of the drama cycle.

Stepping out of the Rescuer role doesn't mean you stop caring about your sister and offering appropriate support to her. An interesting concept from this whole line of thinking is that when you stop rescuing, you can help free your sister from the victim role.

[fevredream]

[
From your description you and your sister may have fallen into "Rescuer" and "Victim" roles, which isn't good for either of you.
]

you hit the nail on the head. I had never heard of this triangle before but I can clearly see where I fit and how I got there.  My mother was a rescuer her whole life.  and I was the in the victim role. When my sister was born, I became the co-rescuer.  My cousin's living situation was awful when she had my sister so mom invited her to live with us.  My cousin was tired, so my mom and I took care of the baby.  My cousin was lonely so my mom invited the baby dad to move in with us and gave him a job.  My cousin didn't feel like they could be a family so my mom bought them a place to live and gave them a car to drive.  And they never "appreciated" it.  They just took. and my mom was baffled and hurt that she gave them all this help and they still made bad choices.  eventually, my mom offered to adopt my sister.  and my cousin accepted.   I was "trained" to become the rescuer of  my entire family.  my mom got sick when my sister was 6 years old.  I was expected to take care of my sister and then my mom and then everything. I was needed.  After my mom died, I was able to step back a little from my brothers and dad.  My sis had moved out and I had strong boundaries in place so she didn't need/want me to help her.  After she moved back in, I fell back into the rescuer role.  and that is why I feel so much guilt anytime I try to restructure my boundaries.  I am "supposed" to take care of my family, especially my sister, because they just "can't" take care of themselves.  And why I feel so torn.  I know no one will take care of things as long as I do it but if I don't do it, no one will take care of things. does that make sense?  I am sitting here feeling guilty today because I have not gone to my dad's house and "made" everything "ok".  By which I think I mean that I need to go clean up the house and tell everyone to do all the things because if they don't have someone to tell them, they won't do it.  Instead of just enjoying my day off. I always feel like I am at war with myself.  My thinking brain knows what I need to do and my feeling brain screams at me that I am not doing enough and how can I just abandon them.  How cold and cruel I am to want time for myself.  I shouldbe spending it doing all the things that have not been done.  I don't think I know what it is like to have a healthy relationship or mental state.
The funniest thing about the "rescuer" role is that I literally spend a huge chunk of my time as a volunteer at the local dog shelter.  In other words, I am an animal rescuer.

[Boat Babe]

Heya. I just want to comment on your feelings about your role as the rescuer of the family. You have been programmed by your family dynamics to be the rescuer, using the toxic weapons of guilt and obligation. You have been controlled and manipulated to feel these emotions in order for you to continue to look after your FOO, who are adults. They don't need looking after. They are adults. They maybe making awful choices but they are adults.

Are you in a position to pay for therapy? If so and if you find a trauma / CPTSD specialist then you can start to free yourself. To come Out of the FOG.

Blessings ❤️

[hhaw]

FD:

You've built brain pathways over the years.  You can change them, build new pathways, but that's a mindfulness journey, IME.

Noticing feelings...
Creating space and moments before acting so options may be considered and selected instead of repeating reactive patterns, IME.

The best thing about stopping reactivity is....
I'm more responsive and helpful to my lived ones now.

I can ask myself if my actions will help people OR keep them mired in old unhealthy patterns....then make choices.

I'm calmer.  I'm modeling better things for the people I love and that helps me deal with the discomfort of resisting codependent reactivity.

You can't control your sister or father.  You can only control your words and actions.  There's peace in accepting that truth.  In giving up hope and need for others to BE ok, in order for you to be ok, IME.

Accepting what you can't change.  Being super kind to yourself.  Dropping all judgments....embracing curiosity and releasing expectations.....helps, IME.

Worrying, fretting and staying upset is a coping strategy.

Doing what you can, then releasing expectation, so you can turn back to joy in this moment, is a different coping strategy.

Things remain the same, but your experience of the world changes....or not.

Goid luck to you.