Walks away while I’m talking

[Sidney37]

Like many of us, once I started therapy, I started noticing the PD behaviors in everyone.  I know that not everyone is a PD, but I'm hyper vigilant about the behaviors.  Some of the behaviors might have other reasons that aren't PD.  I don't want to assume that everyone is s PD.

I'm noticing that my husband has more PD behaviors than I had noticed.  My primary PD is my mother.  He's not necessarily Pd and there might be another explanation for the annoying behaviors.

The big one that is driving me crazy this week is that he will just walk away when i am taking to him.  Sometimes it's because he's bored.  Sometimes he's distracted.  He says I should know that he's walking away and why.  That he shouldn't have to say hold in a second or excuse me or apologize when he comes back.  I should see that he went to turn on the dishwasher or feed the dog or go to the bathroom.  No explanation or apology necessary when he returns sometimes 5-10 minutes later.  I was literally mid story/mid sentry when he just walks away.

It's rude for sure.  Maybe the ADHD playing a part.  Is it PD?

[BeautifulCrazy]

It's incredibly rude!!
I am SO sorry you are experiencing this!!
Definitely, beyond a doubt, extremely rude.
Possibly PD?
I will vehemently argue that it is NOT ADHD. My kids and I are are all 3 ADHD, one quite severe, and not a single one of us would do this. Even if distracted or bored. (Bored? Seriously? I'm thinking "bored" is rather self- centered... is that possibly indicative of a PD?)
Saying something like
"Excuse me a moment..."
"I'll be right back!"
"Hang on a sec, sorry!" or
"Hold that thought, I've just got to do this thing, I'll be quick!"
is just very, very basic manners in my family.
For those with more advanced skills,
"I'm really distracted right now hun... Can we come back to this in a bit?" or
"I'm not paying the attention you deserve at the moment. Can you tell me about it after I do a few things, and I can give you some undivided?"
are normal things to say! As well, a follow up apology such as
"Sorry about earlier, I'm all yours now."
My gut feeling says this is a form of abuse. Maybe a control thing? Keeping you in your place? A way of expressing contempt and / or disrespect? Showing you that what you have to say is not important or valued?
If a friend or potential romantic partner did this to me, total red flag, I would not be continuing the relationship. If I saw a child do that (no matter whose) I would correct their manners. If the partner of a friend did this, I would express serious concern about their relationship.

Don't let this become normal. It isn't.

[SparkStillLit]

I mentioned in another thread, updh does this. He has a 2 sentence maximum (give or take) then he walks off, or starts doing something noisy where he can't hear. Even if you're speaking of his interests, right about that 2 sentence point he will interrupt and take over. OR he will interrupt with a weird noise "aaauuuhhhhh" and then change the subject entirely.

[tragedy or hope]

Isn't that incredible. The fact that we can see and acknowledge such strange behaviors once we are Out of the FOG!

So common in my life. This morning... across the table on a small trip... coffee etc. He is starring at a map. The same simple hotel area map we looked at over and over yesterday. No acknowledgement that I am across the table. Puts that down and picks up a crossword book. NO eye contact. NO words.

I finally said, "are you crazy?! What are you doing?" Of course he said it had something to do with something I said earlier... like I did not want to talk. He had said, "Call housekeeping today?" To which I replied, "I don't want to be bothered with it." It became his excuse for his rudeness.

I KNOW he knew what he was doing because when he put the things away I saw an ever so slight grin. Very noticeable to me. He then said he was a "bad person," in a haughty way for not knowing I wanted to talk. REALLY.

We are at a conference and he has not figured how to be the center of attention yet with others while I have enjoyed some round table discussion to which he knows little about. He gets his info from me and now since he is unread and unstudied, he is at a loss. He actually said yesterday out loud to me... "I don' t know what I am doing here... because he could not join the conversation.

He is also trying to undermine my confidence. If he can start a fight, he thinks he will make me unhappy enough to not want to talk to anyone when we go back this morning. I I know his ways.

It will be interesting to see what he does and says to try to make this happen.

Rude, interrupts, walks away, tries the silent treatment, all of the above. I keep telling myself that is HIS life not mine. I will be happy doing my own thing no matter what kind of mood he is in.

He used confusion about directions to try to ruin the trip here. I let him stew. I did not jump in to help until I was asked. it also made him mad, but saved me a lot of blame later. It was kind of empowering to know what he was doing and to watch it happen, but stay out of it.

Unending self-centered manipulation of others. Sounds about right.

[Sidney37]

Do you even respond to the walking away or the picking up a book or phone and reading it when you are talking?  He expects me to listen when he rants on and on about politics, but has little interest in what I have to say.  I'd say it was no interest, but it's really little interest.  He'll listen for 2 minutes and then gets bored and walks away or gets out his phone and starts reading or playing a game.  It's clear by the look on his face that he is bored with other people, too.  If we are out at an event for our kids, he makes the same face.  He won't walk away. He gets out his phone and plays games while someone is talking to him!

[SparkStillLit]

I don't. I say little to him that isn't of great importance, and if it IS important, I won't let him do that crap.
He doesn't need to know. If he needs to know, then I say, I'm not finished, please shut the water off, etc, and it makes him fume, but tough. Actually lately I have taken to emailing important things. This way, no "you never said/I didn't hear/you misunderstood/blah blah" and there's a clear record. I email in advance, did you get the email, yes, done. NO BS. This is so much better.
No, I don't bother with stories or that kind of thing anymore. He doesn't care, doesn't want to hear, so I should share those with someone who will appreciate them.
As for the rants, my T suggested I say some validating statements (boy was I resistant to this at first!!!!) and then get clear. Yes, she knows he's a bottomless well of validation needing. So this looks like: rant start. I grey rock and also say a few statements, but after a few minutes, I: need to start baking/dinner/water the outside plants/cleaning/move my laundry/you get the idea.
This has reduced the ranting to nearly none. I am ASTONISHED. This whole thing has made this almost tolerable. I'm still working on some stuff, and this is NOOOOT the relationship I signed up for those many moons ago, but this is what I have.
So in my blathering ooonnnnn, may I suggest for yourself a good T. You can work through these things, and find a way out of the mire. May I also suggest you dig around and find who your REAL friends are, and lean hard on them. You can tell them your stories, and your hopes and dreams and fears and secrets. They will lift you up.

[SparkStillLit]

UGH so I am leaving next week for 4 days. Two dogs are on daily meds (for the same thing). One is running out, but I hopefully expect the meds in the mail while I am gone. I was trying to impart the information that they need to check the mail daily because the med will run out while I'm gone, and there is a back up plan, but I never even got there because spoon banging, dish clattering, water running, fuck it. I'm writing up a document and telling DS.
Don't normal people like to be told in advance and prepared for things, or am I just weird?
History tells me some "catastrophy" will take place and then it will be "you never told us/we didn't know/you didn't say anything".  Yet when I try to tell/say/put in the know, I get this.