Holiday Alienation

[Hepatica]

I'm struggling with this one hard today. Where I live we just celebrated Thanksgiving, and due to Covid mine was immediate family only. And that seemed to be okay until....

I dropped into social media today and saw some gorgeous photo's of my extended family (on my father's side) celebrating Thanksgiving. I wasn't invited and it was hosted for the first time, by my old best friend who married my cousin, let's call her Susan. I can't believe Susan didn't even message me to say, sorry we missed you this year, but we have to keep the bubble small bc of Covid. I cannot figure out if the bad feelings I'm getting more and more about Susan are right or if I'm being paranoid. I kinda feel like I cannot take any more betrayal. Feeling so vulnerable.

Earlier in the summer a cousin (call her Martha) shared something really disturbing about an uncle (sexual abuse of our older cousins) and I confided with Susan that I was so disturbed by it that I was having heart pain. Susan then took it upon herself to talk to Martha and advise her not to tell me things like this bc they stressed me out. As Susan conveyed this to me I could tell that she was trying to read my facial expression - which was probably looking anxious - bc I didn't know how she spoke to Martha. I had been intending to say something diplomatically to Martha, but Susan jumped in and took it on without asking me, and now... Martha has not spoken to me for more than a month. I have no idea how Susan conveyed it and now this feels like yet another uncomfortable division in my lovely family.  And so.... a month after this, there they are (Susan and Martha) having Thanksgiving dinner together and for the first year ever I am not invited. I have always been invited.

FFS I am fatigued with feeling so alone more and more. I feel like I am being punished by the Gods. I can't understand why I feel this way? I can't gauge this feeling I get that Susan, my old best friend, is becoming dark. She used to be my port in a storm. I am so confused. Am I seeing PD everywhere when it isn't really there? (There's a few other things Susan has done that are leading me to believe she's very low level toxic..)

I know the Thanksgiving issue is about Covid more than anything, but why does all of this feel so creepy? It seems like this toxic family shite seeps into everything good that I ever had. It's just losses all around. I dread holidays now. I feel so alone like there is not one person in real life who cares. I know so many of us go through this once we back away from family. I know this is part of the process, but today it hurts really bad. I crave so badly for a warm family of choice.

[Call Me Cordelia]

It feels creepy because it is creepy. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In my opinion, Covid has only heightened and brought dysfunction more to the surface. I haven't seen it in my own family, because I was blissfully NC well before. But as an observer of you all on here and people I know, people in general have been simply more themselves.

Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still
Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still
Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still
Listen to the words long written down
When the man comes around

[Hepatica]

Thanks Call Me Cordelia,

I wonder if any of you out there ever have days like this, where all the loss hits you and you break down. I am in such a fragile place that I can't stop crying. I feel so alone. I am the scapegoat and i continue to take it and 99% of the time i get thru the day feeling okay, but it's like its hit me today like a mack truck. i am literlaly crying like a baby over here. i feel so alone, so lost.

[Boat Babe]

Hey Hepatica, you have friends here and we have your back, always.  I'm so sorry that you have been sidelined like this. It doesn't make sense and it's very hurtful.  As to the alone feeling, I so get it. It really sucks.

Please reach out to trusted people outside of your family for love and support right now. You need hugs and validation.

Much love hun ❤️❤️❤️

[Hepatica]

Thanks so much Boat Babe, that means so much. I am so grateful for that.

I wonder if I am breaking down more desperately because I can't have my in person yoga classes and therapy sessions. That def. can't help. I really feel more alone than ever. At least I had that communion with the yoga women who are so lovely and the cheerleading from my therapist.

This is a huge amt. of grief - and I sense it is related much to the state of the world, COVID, politics, all of that and boom, massive over flow of sadness.

[Boat Babe]

Yeah. We are all experiencing Groundhog Day, with one day pretty much like the previous one. No socialising to speak of with Covid restrictions so much loneliness.  And yes, much to worry about on the world stage and with the state of our beautiful planet.  If I didn't have my dog to cuddle I would be in a much worse state.

Again, you may be on your own, but you are not alone.

[Psuedonym]

Hey Hepatica,

Your 'friend' Susan sound like what my dad would have wisely called 'a shit disturber'.

If you are unfamiliar, a shit disturber is someone who thrives off of drama. They stir things up just to participate in the blow up. The whole story of how you told her about your uncle, she goes to your cousin, then comes back to you to tell you what she told her...it just reeks of it. (pun intended?) I I were to hazard a guess, I would guess that since you've gone NC with your immediate FOO, there's less drama and things to triangulate, so good ol' Susan has moved on to new ventures.

If it makes you feel any better, these types of people generally behave like this because they a) don't want to deal with their own problems so they distract themselves with other peoples, or b) have very empty lives that they fill with other people's drama. It's like they've created their own little reality tv show.

Like the others have said, its not a very good emotional time for anybody these days. The groundhog day is getting pretty old after 8 months, and the amount of unfairness, lying, and PD like behavior on the news every night is not helpful. (I can guess where you are based on Thanksgiving, and as a fellow citiizen, I know how much of our garbage spills over). And then there's the death rate, the constant talk of old people dying alone in nursing homes, etc. etc. It's just a lot. If you need to have a good long cry then just do it. I'm sure you'll feel a lot better afterwards.

[Hepatica]

Thank you to you all for your amazing support.

Psuedonym, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I didn't want to think that way of Susan but yes, there is no doubt in my mind, she's a shit disturber. What a loss. I know her well enough to have seen things over the years. She does thrive off drama and lately when I've seen it, it's about other people and I haven't been personally affected, but I do recall seeing how her face looks when she's relaying something dramatic and gossiping about someone she doesn't like. It's a face of gluttony. It's like I'm waking up to her for the first time and seeing everything that goes all the way back to high school. (She even went out with my ex-boyfriend straight after I broke up with him in Gr. 10. He was an a$$hole to the 9th degree who used to pretend to shoot me in the head at parties bc I broke up with him - and she went out with him for quite a long time, knowing what he'd done to me!) She's done some things to me that have really really hurt and I've always let it go. And she always ends up on top. Now she has my entire family - having married my cousin.

Well... she can have them. 

I'm on the peace path.

Two days ago I began an anti-depressant. I am wondering if the extreme crying yesterday is a side-effect. I'm a little leery of taking the pill this AM in case it is. I cried all day long, tears flying out of my eyes. Bawling loudly. Maybe I just need to get out this pent up grief bc I am fairly stoic for the most part, but I am going to keep my eye on this crying.

[Lillith65]

Hi Hepatica,

I am very familiar with feelings of isolation and exclusion as a result of family dysfunction and my decision to go NC. I can't decide whether it is more or less painful now than when I was still in contact. There are longer periods of feeling that I am starting to accept my situation and the reality of my mother and sister's behaviour, but high days and holidays trigger deep grief and sadness.

I am able to acknowledge that I am grieving the loss of a fantasy - this time we will enjoy each others' company, this time jokes will be shared, this time I will not be ignored, demeaned and undermined, this time my feelings and needs will be respected - but it still hurts.

I think it is easier for me because I have no contact with any member of my extended family.  I think that they all drank the kool-aid that I am the cruel, heartless, nasty piece of work. It's hard not to try and explain what I experience(d) at my immediate family's hands because of gaslighting and entrenched dysfunction. 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

[Hepatica]

Dear Lillith65,

Thank you for your kindness and taking the time to respond. It is very true for me as well that I am grieving the loss of a fantasy and maybe the "flashback" I was having yesterday was how shocked I felt seeing my friend behave badly and beginning to wake up out of the fantasy that she had been a decent friend at all. It also freaks me out that there are so many mean people around me.

I read your introductory posts and I want to extend warmth to you. My childhood was very very similar. Two sisters and two dangerous parents. Lots of screaming, hitting, violence and even more neglect. It breaks my heart that your mother did not notice your cries for help. I went through similar. As did my sister. But she glorifies our childhood. It's like we live in two different worlds. If she admits anything, she then says that Jesus healed all of it and she feels no pain being around our still devious parents.

I am lonely. I more and more wish there were support groups like AL-Anon and CODA for those of us who grew up in disorder and got C-PTSD. I know that would help to combat my confusion and loneliness.

Thank you again for your response because it does help with this alienation feeling so much. I think I might go actually crazy if I believed I was the only one going through this.

[Lillith65]

I also wish that there were help groups similar to AA, ACOA and CODA. I often feel ashamed of my childhood and my being NC as most people I know seem to have had relatively normal childhoods and those who grew up in dysfunctional and abusive families continue to have contact and even to care for elderly parents.

My sister is also in denial and when we were in touch she would often talk about our childhood as having been fun and our Dad as having been 'a great dad'.  This makes more sense given her status as the GC, but she was also hit and screamed at. However she wasn't the target of relentless undermining and manipulation.

I agree that it helps to know that this is not unique to us, but is a pattern in some types of dysfunctional families.

It still hurts though.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Hepatica - I hope you're feeling better lately. I read your post a long while ago and didn't have time to respond, and have been low key reading your updates. I'm so sorry you're going through this with your friend. Your experience really resonates with what I'm waking up to with my younger enabling sibling, who I once called best friend.

You're not the only one going through this and you're not alone. If that is any comfort. I can't adequately describe how it feels when the person who you thought would always "buoy" you through the storm suddenly becomes a part of the storm themselves, weaponized against you. Or you realize what you had was never really deep at all. And that they were actually OK with betraying you, too, even if they didn't realize it. You're suddenly on your own and just swimming towards any sense of solid land possible. But in the meantime you're just alone and swimming, and it's terribly alone and scary and can feel endless with that buoy gone and no land in sight.

Like you, there were things I opened my eyes to from the past that I realized I was kind of brushing off and letting go. Like that "gluttony" you described. Passive aggressive comments, too. There were little signposts to the truth. And then when you realize the truth, or their betrayal becomes clear, it's like an explosion. And you only see the warning signs in the rearview now.... And it just hurts.

If your friend didn't invite you and still hasn't followed up about that, and it's in stark contrast to how things have always been in the past (sounds like she's always invited you), then something is obviously different, you're noticing it, and any sane observant person would know it probably means something. I would think it means either you're no longer on her mind, for better or for worse, she's not thinking about you... or she did it intentionally to stir up feelings. Or maybe it was just a complete absent-minded accident, sure (which maybe she'll claim if you ever confronted her about it), but regardless, it hurt you and threw you into uncertainty. Anyone who is reasonably empathetic and puts your feelings high on their list would realize this and try to figure out why you confronted them on this, or inversely why you slowly vanished from their lives, and give you an honest answer or try to explain what happened in a way that would entice you to stay in their lives. Anything else probably points to them not thinking/caring about you or extreme emotional underdevelopment/immaturity. It's not all in your head.

This happened to me last winter and it does get easier, months and months later, as I grieve and adjust to and accept the truth. The pain is not completely gone through. The hoovering continues and confuses. But it is definitely creepy and it's not just in your head. Listen to your gut.  I do feel better on the whole after listening and attending to mine, and letting her go.  Hugs if you need one

[Hilltop]

Its really hard at the moment with Covid.  Its really hard feeling that alienation within the family.  It hits hard at the self esteem and the heart.

I have to wonder what Susan was thinking and what she said to Martha.  Think about how weird it would be to bring up sexual abuse to someone who experienced it but hasn't disclosed it to you yet and that's what Susan did.  My MIL would play that game, bring up things all in the name of concern, such as "you are looking tired, you look horrible, you're so fat and I'm only telling you because I'm concerned".  Such as what Susan did "I'm so concerned about Hepatica she is really struggling with the sexual abuse of xyz".  It takes the emphasis off of her and places it firmly on you, so then Martha gets angry with you for a) talking about it and b) making it about yourself, which of course isn't true but how it's portrayed. Its all games, manipulation and of course Susan watching you to see how you react because that's the end game isn't it, to get a reaction, to get drama.

It really hurts to be left out and when they have their drama they don't need you around.  When it all dies down and things are quiet you will probably find that Susan reaches out.

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that there is no solution for these types of families.  The game continues, they will never stop playing.  I hope you know you are not alone in dealing with this.  It hurts.

[Hepatica]

Thanks Lillith65, DistanceNotDefense and Hilltop,

Yep. All of this hurts and it flares up like a case of bad arthritis. It's a disease within the family and all I can hope for is that I will be better off distancing, so rather than taking their behaviour personally, I begin to look at it and feel nothing other than feeling sorry for them. It's the "image" of the holidays that can strike the chord of loss in us, as we imagine all is happy in those beautiful pictures. But there must be unease at all times, bc now that I am out of the picture, they have no scapegoat, so a new one will have to created.

HIlltop, you're right, there is no solution for these types of families. If Susan reaches out to me in future, which I do think she will as well, I'm DONE. I'll be very polite but heavily defended in my mind. I will no longer engage with them on anything personal and I will begin maximum chill.

I am very much looking forward to returning to normal in regards to Covid, bc I think i've decided I must work harder at building up my FOC.

Anyone have any tips on how they've built their family of choice?

[Lillith65]

Anyone have any tips on how they've built their family of choice?

The first thing that I stick to is that I don't tolerate anyone who is abusive, even if it is presented as joking or teasing. I also listen and avoid people who are judgmental or who think that they are always right.

Having had many years of therapy I also now know what respect feels like in a close relationship and what appropriate boundaries feel like.

I have a very small FOC, but it is quality not quantity that matters I think.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Anyone have any tips on how they've built their family of choice?

Still early on in this process (NC 3 months). My FOO's secret/abuse is something none of my closest friends ever knew. My T at the time (before NC) suggested being a bit more open and revealing of my background, at appropriate/various times, to be willing to be more vulnerable than I've ever been, bit by bit, even for just short periods with friends when I was feeling extremely lonely in all this (e.g. in ongoing conversations make it almost seem casual to mention "my abusive family" or "my abusive past" or "Things are real bad with my FOO I'm not talking to them right now"). And see who responds to it and how, and don't have any expectations.

This was both before and after NC (the therapy and the opening up) at a time when I was realizing FOO was unwell and couldn't be the foundation that emotionally holds me in the world anymore. I had one friend (also an abuse survivor) who really came through for me and I could talk to her about all this, we call each other sister, but it definitely didn't replace the feeling that my FOO is painfully absent. I think that may shift over time. What I'm trying to call my "FOC" doesn't come through for me at the drop of a hat (never did, haha), nor are they always as aware of what I'm going through as I'd like them to be. But I'll take what I can get (and am learning to be more emotionally self-reliant/alone as my core coping tactic, with a supportive DH). And also realizing some of my expectations for them coming through to be there for me are expectations to be enmeshed with me! Just like FOO was. Boundary work is important and I have so much healing to do, but I do feel a supported person in their presence.

With other friends of mine, of course I don't get the responses I "want" or that makes me feel better or more "over" FOO. But a couple close friends and even neighbors of mine have surprised me. Turns out they have somewhat similar issues and backgrounds. I was scared and it felt weird but some part of me knew it was going to bring me closer to a couple of them talking about a facet of life I never talk about (family). They never hear about that side of me, and I realized that they may actually be very curious about it (why do you never mention your dad?) and think of me as closed off in that regard, and maybe they'd *like* to be closer in that way? I really feel it did bring me closer with a couple of them. They check up more on me in a general sense now, and vice versa. They're nowhere near my "fantasy family/friend group" ideal that I'm working on dismantling, but I'm slowly starting to think of these people as a type of family, and that feeling is reciprocated with some of them even though they live a couple hours away.

And of course this goes for anyone: I've avoided assessing any of my friends who gossip, triangulate, show fakeness/insincerity, put downs, competitiveness, apathy, etc. as close FOC. Or I think of them as the "distant cousins" I see a couple times a year and don't tell them anything valuable.

[KeepingMyBlue]

Hepatica, all the :hugs:

Always trust your instincts about The Creepy. Figure it out in your own time, but our guts are usually faster than our heads.

Besides, you can always apologize later if you left the situation for nothing.

I think there are more of us than we know. This isn't really a topic I discuss with coworkers.  I do have one coworker that is Out of the FOG with her dad, and we talk about anything but that. I'm so afraid of trauma bonding and limiting my own healing.  There was one satisfying lunch that was us two and another woman with a normal childhood, and I helped explain to her that all parents are not as great as hers, and it's got to be hard for her to understand why we didn't have any good choices.

It's late here, and I'm rambling. More :hugs: and keep chasing your peace path.