Can't deal with this anymore

reallivefiction · October 23, 2020, 09:22:38 AM

Quick background: My dad was abusive to me in every way except sexually, and I've been NC with him for about two years. My mom was an alcoholic and died in 2015. I spent the better of the 8 years she was sick with liver disease swooping in to "save" her because my dad was arrested for domestic assault, wasn't allowed at the house, and refused to interact or help his kids in any way. Dad has all of her life insurance money and never offered his kids a cent. Mom's only sister died of cancer in 2006. I have one younger brother who is autistic with other disabilities and he lives with dad out of necessity.

Current: I'm 30 years old, and only just started my career this year, after having to work whatever job I could get to get by for years. My career is super demanding and I work long hours, but I really enjoy it. I have a lot of mental health issues because of the trauma/abuse I've endured in the past, but I thought I was finally getting myself to a stable place. My brother was homeless while and after my mother was sick (she was living in a motel), but he was able to put his pride aside and agree to live with my dad while he got on his feet. Things had been going relatively well and I felt a huge weight lifted. I have an extremely supportive partner who I help to support financially as well, but that is MY choice and I'm 100% fine with it.

BUT (now here's the kicker)—my mom's parents are getting really sick (grandpa with Parkinson's and grandma with Alzheimer's). I have no family support from anyone except for my brother, who I don't expect anything from because of his disabilities. And no financial support either. Despite me basically begging my grandpa not to name me as his Power of Attorney or consider me the person to call if something happens, he still did anyways.

Grandpa went into the hospital last Tuesday for kidney issues, leaving nobody to watch my grandma with Alzheimer's. So I get the call from a case worker who said we could temporarily put her in a nursing home until things settle. I was happy with this idea, and agreed. But apparently my grandpa didn't, because the case worker called back and said he wanted home care for her instead. So I spent the whole of last week (which was my vacation week from work btw) trying to coordinate home care for my grandma and going back and forth with PSWs and other people.

Meanwhile, I'm in a panic. I already have pretty severe anxiety and depression, and take meds for them. But I was not functional at ALL. Crying nearly 24/7 because all of this pressure always comes to me (the "responsible one") and I started having flashbacks of 5am emergency calls from mom or cleaning her vomit/feces off the hardwood floor. I don't want to be my grandpa's POA, and I don't even really want to be involved in my grandparents' care. I can't put myself through that again, especially for people who deliberately make poor decisions for themselves. Grandpa knows this, and just says "don't worry about it."

My grandpa knows my life situation, and has seen my apartment (despite him lying and saying he's never seen it). He knows the family I grew up in, and that I'm financially unstable. He knows I have nobody else. And still, he sets me as THE person to handle things for them.

I spoke to a lawyer who was shocked that someone would name a clearly unwilling person as their POA (I can decline at any time, so why waste the money writing up the document?)

I'm just so angry and disappointed that no adults in my life could ever think ahead or look after themselves. I feel like I've been cleaning up everyone else's mess for years while being extra careful not to leave a mess for anyone else. Nobody seems to care about my best interests. My grandpa could have set up a lawyer or bank to handle POA duties, but he wants him and my grandma to die at home (clearly), so putting anyone else down would have ruined that, I guess. I'm not planning to have kids, but even if I did, I'd make sure as hell that everything was set up in advance and I was living in some kind of assisted-living facility or nursing home.

But since they're inconsiderate, I'm now feeling guilty. Because none of the people calling expecting me to help my grandparents understand my circumstances, nor do I feel comfortable divulging my whole life story to a stranger over the phone. In fact, it makes me doubt what happened to me and makes me wonder if I'm just lazy.

I know that for my own sake and my own life, I need to step away from them. So I let the case worker and other involved parties know that I can't and won't be involved in my grandparents' care any longer. But my "savior" tendencies are telling me I'm a bad person for not intervening.

Obviously I've already made my decision. I was just hoping that there might be other people who could relate here. Any words of encouragement/validation would be appreciated.

Fiasco · October 23, 2020, 02:14:58 PM

Someone around here likes to say "I'm not required to set myself on fire to keep you warm" and it sounds like that's the situation you're basically in. You don't owe anyone your destruction for goodness sakes. If you have an area of expertise or interest you want to offer then go for it. But not everything. Not your own health and sanity.

lkdrymom · October 23, 2020, 04:21:10 PM

Have you actually SEEN a copy of the POA? Next time someone calls you and asks if you are tell them that you aren't the POA.

Grandpa is not in a position to demand things to be his way unless he planned for that himself. Grandma needs to be in a NH for her safety. You can tell a case worker NO. They will try and argue with you but they can't MAKE you do anything. You are in no position to offer any help.

Andeza · October 23, 2020, 04:41:03 PM

You've already spent a significant chunk of your life living for other people's needs. Now you need to recover and take care of yourself. I've seen the spiral of Parkinson's and can tell you your grandpa is going to need care for himself as well sooner rather than later. Later stages of Parkinson's can also include paranoia and memory loss just like Alzheimer's. This is something a trained professional needs to be looking after. And of course he wants to die at home. That's typical of his generation (if he's as old as my own grandparents, which you and I are the same age so probably). But the truth is in many cases that there simply aren't sufficient funds to facilitate that wish, or that the level of end of life care that is necessary is too extensive to supply in the home. Especially given their particular challenges.

I agree with your decision to step back. You're not being a bad person, you're just taking care of yourself. That's okay. It's important.

I'll tell you what another member would have said. Your grandparents don't live in a vacuum. Their phone dials other numbers, not just yours. And there are caseworkers, social workers, and other resources that the hospital can connect to them to make certain they are cared for. You're just accepting that others can help them as well, or better, than you can. Also, I agree. I don't think you can be made the LEGAL POA without signing multiple pieces of paper stating you understand your duties, etc.

nanotech · October 23, 2020, 05:33:22 PM

Look, I'd prefer to die at home, but when they time comes, I'm not going to make my kids run around like headless chickens and disrupt their lives just to make that possible for me.
It's the last thing I can do for my family- to not be a burden on them. As long as I'm warm, dry and fed, I can exit happily!
I also think that people get too attached to houses. Wherever we are, we can have love and we can have our memories.

You've clearly put yourself last for a long time. I can only guess at the huge level of strain you've been put under by your parents. For years and years, by the sound of it. You've been over -functioning for a very long time. Jerry Wise talks about over -functioning in dysfunctional family systems. He's on you tube.
You've done so well to recover and make a life, but now you need to protect what you now have with all of your might.
Don't agree to care for your grandparents.

Hepatica · October 24, 2020, 06:33:16 AM

Dear reallivefiction,

I'm so sorry you're being put into a position of having to say no. You're not a bad person in any way. No is not easy for those of us who suffer trauma bc we know very well, disordered people don't like boundaries. But that does not mean we cannot set boundaries. We must.

I am not sure if you are currently seeing a counsellor but good time to begin to and make sure they understand that you have experienced abuse in childhood and are recovering. I suspect if you mom was an alcoholic her childhood was not so great, so why in the heavens would you be responsible for her unhealthy parents? No. That's no okay. You need a therapist who can help you with boundaries and be your cheerleader as you set them firmly and shut the door on this request from your grandfather.

You have to be your own best, strongest advocate right now. It's your health that matters and you're not up to being responsible for two elderly people who are very medically fragile and most likely toxic.

This is the guilt part of this process. And the fear bc we fear what people will say and do. If you can get clear that you are responsible for your health and your health only then that will help. It's really true. If you had children you'd be responsible for them, but we are not responsible for our parents or our parents, parents.

Your anger is a good sign. Let it guide you to backing away. You don't have to explain anything to people who call you, other than, I can not do this, my health is my priority, good bye. It's ok to not answer calls as well.

It makes me sad that you're so young and being treated this way by irresponsible people.

Time to be your own best ally. You're thirty. It's such a great age for exploration. Embrace your life and walk away from this pressure and let go of the words bad or lazy. You're not. You're working hard at your job. And that's what your supposed to do. Don't let their pressure take away this good stuff because this is you being responsible for you own welfare in life and they have no right to infringe on that.

And remember that if your grandfather becomes abusive, it's not only okay to back away and go no contact it's very important that you do so for YOUR health. They should have darn well prepared for their old age. They are being self serving at your expense and that's not okay.

You've been through enough. Someone above I think alluded to WomanInterrupted who passed away last week and who so many of us miss. She was amazing with advice on this kind of problem. I think going to her profile and reading through her posts would really help you feel better about the power of the word NO.

Sneezy · October 24, 2020, 04:09:04 PM

You have received so much good advice, I'm not sure I can add anything. But I do want to give you this perspective. My children are just a few years younger than you are and I would NEVER expect them to care for their grandparents. I expect them to send birthday cards and occasionally call their grandparents. But care for them? That doesn't sound right to me at all. Unfortunately for your grandparents they don't have children who are capable of helping them out. And that's sad and it makes life more difficult for them. But it doesn't mean it's up to you to pick up the slack. Your job is to go out and live your life, not to be a caregiver for your elderly grandparents. Send them birthday cards, call now and then to catch up, but don't get guilted into taking on a job that is not your responsibility, and to be honest, a job that would be overwhelming and for which you are not trained. Look at it this way - if your grandparents were young and healthy, let's say they were 30, would they really expect that some day their 30-year old granddaughter would have to care for them and spend all her time making decisions for them? Of course they wouldn't.

reallivefiction · October 24, 2020, 04:33:51 PM

Update: They somehow got Grandma a room (more like suite from what I can tell) in a local retirement home. She can even bring her cats. Seems like they're doing just fine without me.

Thanks so much for your kind words, all. They really helped pull me through. ❤️

nanotech · October 24, 2020, 06:06:56 PM

Quote from: reallivefiction on October 24, 2020, 04:33:51 PM
Update: They somehow got Grandma a room (more like suite from what I can tell) in a local retirement home. She can even bring her cats. Seems like they're doing just fine without me.

Thanks so much for your kind words, all. They really helped pull me through. ❤️

Amazing 😉 that's great news.
Keep those lovely boundaries strong, you never know when you might need them. Give them a permanent home around you. Let them grow roses. You deserve that. Xx

Kiki81 · October 29, 2020, 11:48:41 PM

They will use you until you're destroyed by it, and then they'll move on to the next host.

You are the only person who can stop that.

None of them is your burden to carry. Not a one.

If you want to maintain your present level of function, you have to walk away from all of them. That's the reality. Why not choose yourself?

reallivefiction · November 19, 2020, 07:27:17 AM

New update: Unfortunately my grandpa passed away last weekend, and the funeral was yesterday.

My grandma did reasonably well, all things considered. She didn't really remember me, but I held her hand through the service and the burial.

One of the church ladies who came said to me directly: "Take care of your grandmother." Ugh.

Another one of the volunteers said they'd be in contact with me about grandma. I am trying to make peace with the notion that I likely won't see my grandma ever again, since I've decided not to answer any calls that aren't my friends or work. Doing my best not to feel like a horrible person for it.

Amadahy · November 19, 2020, 10:55:33 AM

Dear Real,
You are not a horrible person! As someone old enough to be your mom, I wish I'd cut ties years ago with PD family. They've been exhausting and all I have to show for it is a stout case of c-ptsd. Live your life and make it beautiful! xoxo

reallivefiction · November 21, 2020, 03:34:30 PM

New-new update: Apparently I've been listed as my grandpa's alternate executor, and the first nominee has conveniently dropped off the face of the earth (an example of excellent boundaries!! But not helpful to me at all.)

I'm going to speak to a lawyer this week to make sure everything on my end is straightened up and renounced. Way back, my mom really started drinking hard when she had to handle her younger sister's estate, and I'm not about to let the same situation be my downfall as well.

I can't wait for this to all be over, but it feels like it never will be.