Irritated about my Birthday

[athene1399]

I wasn't sure what to title this, but it basically boils down to what I want to do for my birthday and what presents I wanted are never good enough for my FOO. No surprise there I guess. I just wanted to vent a bit and know if anyone else goes through this.

So a couple of weeks before my birthday, M asks me for a list of what I want. I even told SO, "I don't know why she wants one because she never buys me anything off of it". So of course she didn't buy me a thing on my list. I did ask for money to buy a carpet cleaner because they are pricey but I wanted one. So M gives me money and in my card write a list of what she wants me to spend the money on.  But I was wondering (and probably shouldn't be) if this was a compromise and she's getting better. Like did she give me money because I asked for it, but just didn't want me spending it on what I wanted? Is that even a compromise? Lol

I had SO check with her before he bought his gift to make sure no one got me the same thing and he said M gave him crap for buying something on my list. She was like "that's a stupid gift, she doesn't need it".

Anyway, aside from that my other gripe was what I wanted to do on my birthday also wasn't good enough for my FOO. I usually pick a restaurant to eat at. I picked the same place as last year. I texted M and my sister about it. M called and said my dad has to work but wants to come so I should do dinner at their house Saturday. I told her I would do that in addition to the restaurant Friday as I had already invited people there. Also, dad hasn't come for the last five years so don't know why it's an issue now so whatever. Then I see sis and she says she's not coming Friday because M told her not to because the restaurant is too expensive. It's a little pricey, but like Olive Garden expensive. And I was only asking to go to do something special on my birthday. Anyway, M shows up at the restaurant and says something about she was surprised she didn't see dad before she left because he should be home soon. I was like "I thought he was working ". She back pedaled and came up with an excuse that didn't really make sense if she had just said she expected him home.

So it made me all sad the next day wondering why, like always, my feelings and what I want is never important to them. Not even on my birthday. Does anyone else go through anything similar?

[bloomie]

athene1399 - Most importantly.... Happy Birthday to YOU!!! I hope you had a lovely dinner at the restaurant of your choosing and were able to cast away the negativity and shenanigans of your FOO!

The inabiity to celebrate others and the attempts to control the celebration of others is one of the most painful characteristics of my own disordered family members. Promotions, graduations, bdays, anniversaries, weddings, birth of children/grandchildren.... all overtaken if I allow it.

You are most certainly not alone in all of this and I am very sorry this put a damper on your special day. Going forward... planning for next year, what do you have control over and what can you change so that this time... one time a year, is set aside for celebrating with those who are able to sincerely and appropriately honor you and are excited to join YOUR party?

[athene1399]

Bloomie,

Thank you for your reply. Funny you bring up graduation. My sis threw me a surprise grad party. I wanted to wait on it until the pandemic is over so my friends from school could go. But she took control and none of my classmates were invited. And I am sure if I said anything bad about her plans she would have made me feel ungrateful or something.

You have given me a lot to think about next year, and even Christmas as M bothers me for a list for that too. Maybe I'll just tell her to do what she wants. I mean she's going to do it anyway. And both my parents started vacationing on their birthdays so I can't see them. Maybe I'll do the same so it's just SO and I together on my birthday lol. In all seriousness, I am considering not inviting them next year, but I don't know if I can say no if they invite me over. I guess I need to work on that. And I have a year to do it 

[Sneezy]

Happy Birthday!!!

Sorry to hear about the gift giving drama, though.  I think with PDs they make the gift giving all about them and not the recipient.  And it becomes just one more way for them to get attention or try to exert control.  My MIL used to be a master at this.  One Christmas she gave me a gift from another relative's list and then gave that relative something from my list    So we just traded gifts, right in front of her.  It was totally a control thing, and we just weren't having it that year.  She also got my sister in law a completely inappropriate, tiny, hot red bikini one Christmas.  Not that the bikini was inappropriate, but it was clearly something that should have come from her husband, not her mother in law.  I felt so bad for my sister in law.  But, she took it back to the store, so good for her!  It was just MIL's way of trying, once again, to be the center of attention.

I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you.  I don't think PDs will ever understand that gift-giving is something you do out of the goodness of your heart FOR the recipient.  It's not about showing off or being the center of attention for giving such a great gift.

[Sneezy]

I have to add one more example.  This is the worst gift my MIL ever gave me.  So one Christmas, she decided her gift would be to take the entire family on a cruise.  Just to show what a wonderful, generous person she was.  Except she picked a cruise in the middle of January (because it was cheap).  When H and I explained that our kids were in school, MIL expected that we would either take them out of school for over a week, or (her preferred option) just leave our young children with neighbors for a week and a half.  I told my H to just go on the cruise without me, but by that point he was so offended by his mother's attitude that neither one of us went.  So . . . my official gift that Christmas was a pair of dirty slippers.  They were dusty and disgusting and clearly picked out of the cheapest bargain bin she could find.  And that's it.  Everyone else in the family got a cruise, but because H and I didn't bow down and glorify MIL that year, I ended up with a pair of dirty slippers.  Ridiculous!  But totally spot on for the way PDs think.

[athene1399]

Thank you, Sneezy. And I am so sorry your gifts from MIL have been disastrous. I could picture the cruise thing playing out like that with my FOO. Like they would be so offended I would put my own family first I would get a dirty slipper.

I am not sure if M needs attention so much as if I want something she doesn't want she just can't wrap her head around it. She had a hard time coming to terms with me being a separate person. At my birthday dinner at their house, sis made me a cake (she made what I wanted. I was so grateful and told her that). M complained about the cake saying sis should have made something else. Each option M wanted was something I find disgusting lol There are certain foods where the texture grossed me out and am wanted sis to make things that gross me out. M was flabbergasted I wouldn't have liked her options.

Thank you again for all of your support every one. It's easy to come here with this stuff as not every one outside here "gets" it.

[Sneezy]

I am not sure if M needs attention so much as if I want something she doesn't want she just can't wrap her head around it. She had a hard time coming to terms with me being a separate person.

So if you like something or want something that is different than what your mother would like or want then, in her mind, you are criticizing her choices, and by extension you are criticizing her.  Because of course if you loved her and were a good daughter, you would agree with her choices, as they are better than your choices.  So the fact that you don't agree can only be construed as criticism of her.  Because it's all about her.  Ugh, it is mind-boggling how they think sometimes. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

All of that.

For my birthday I once got a very cheap imitation of a distinctive article, in the similar style and same color I had owned and worn for years. It "looked like me." M claimed she'd never noticed I had one. She had a photo of me wearing it displayed in her house. It looked like a costume item. (Not jewelry.) When I went to return it I couldn't because it was a buck, final clearance. It was a milestone birthday, too.

I was being punished at that time, because who knows why. Because I was labeled SG and that's what they do.

My M was good at giving items that were not needed, and withholding what we would have liked even at no expense to herself. She even gave my kid the exact same gift two birthdays in a row, when she already had one the first time around.

All that to say you are indeed far from alone. All of this feels like a "How DARE you?" How dare we have special days, and expect attention, and hope to feel loved and cherished and known? We are put in our place with incidents like these. But YOU choose your relationships and your role in them. You do not have to accept poor treatment year after year after year.

[athene1399]

You all have really helped to put this in perspective. And it helps to know I am not alone. Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on them and should accept them for how they are... then I remember they have never accepted me.

I have never viewed them as selfish, but I guess they are. They have never put me first. Ever.

[Sneezy]

Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on them and should accept them for how they are... then I remember they have never accepted me.

Now that is the million dollar question, isn't it?  Can you (meaning all of us who go through this) accept them as they are?  I struggle with this mightily.  The truth is that PDs are very, very, very unlikely to change.  And so they are how they are, whether we want to accept it or not.  They *can* learn, usually by smacking right into a hard boundary.  So firm boundaries can change their behavior.  But deep down, true change is hard.  Because the root causes of their PD (genetics, upbringing, or some combination) might be unfixable.  At least by you and me.  And that's sad.  I really do love my mother and wish she wasn't so profoundly unhappy.  But I can't turn the clock back 70 years and go give my grandparents a stern talking-to about how to raise their daughter to give her more confidence and acceptance and joy in her life.  And who knows, no matter what they did or didn't do, it might not have made a difference anyway.  Maybe my mother is just wired to be the way she is regardless of circumstances.  I have a framed copy of the Serenity Prayer on my desk, because sometimes all we can do is accept the stuff we can't change, and have the courage to set boundaries where we can.

[athene1399]

You have made really good points, Sneezy. M treated me the way GM treated her and I made damn sure I never treated anyone like that and always wonder why M couldn't have done the same. There could be some genetic component or she's just not a strong enough person to work through her most vulnerable areas.

I not really a prayer person, but I absolutely love the Serenity Prayer. I find it so helpful.  I like your idea of framing it. I might have to steal that idea Thank you!

[Stardust1982]

Sorry to hear about the drama. Yes, I've been there too. Mine turned my birthday into what they wanted and what they enjoyed the most-it was disgusting and I promised myself never ever again to be around them on my precious day.
They are incapable of acknowledging you because they are narcissists and they don't really believe you have worth or identity apart of that which they've given you (being a source of narcissistic supply). Thus, everything you want is unimportant BUT that's only because they're mentally and spiritually sick. Normal people don't act that way. They'd celebrate you and be very happy for you during this time.

Big hugs!