Sibling taking advantage of elderly parent financially

[JenniferSmith]

I'm wondering if there is anyone here who has dealt with a sibling taking advantage of an elderly parent financialy.

I'll be honest and say I am concerned about posting too many identifying details due to a concern that one of my family members may read on this forum. Its probably unlikely, but I feel that way.

This sibling is a very dominating and controlling personality, while I am the opposite (probably to my detriment). Let's just say for a variety of reasons, they have a lot of power that I do not (largely due to decades-long dynamics in our family).

I need to start figuring out what if anything I can do. I'm sorry there aren't more details... I guess if someone has dealt with this maybe you can share. Thanks

[Seven]

My family is kind of in the middle of a situation just as this. Now that my mother has moved to "sunny state" then it is much more difficult for her to be taken  advantage of by said sibling.  With such a large family as ours, and the career of a sibling who has financial POA over mom, her literal career could be in jeopardy because of his manipulating behavior.

[Sneezy]

I have a good friend whose business is helping seniors run their lives.  She can do bill-paying, arrange for moving to a senior center, etc.  The stories she tells me are heart-breaking.  Many times when a senior is taken advantage of, it is by a relative.

You need professional help, if at all possible.  Seek out an elder care attorney in your area and find out what options you have.  Depending on where you live, your area may have an Area Agency on Aging, and you should be able to call them or check their website for helpful info, also.  Time is of the essence.  You don't want to panic, but you also need to preserve your mother's assets for her sake, as well as yours.  It's much easier to handle an elderly parent, PD or not, if they have the financial ability to hire help, live somewhere safe, and can afford the necessities.

[JenniferSmith]

Thanks Sneezy and Seven.

Nothing has happened yet, but my anxiety is super high. I may do some cold calling to senior services in my area and see where that leads me.

We're actually dealing with enDad (many decades divorced from PD mother). But due to our horribly dysfunctional upbringing, the relationships between the siblings are extremely toxic.  There are also adult children of enDad's deceased partner involved. Its basically a nightmare - managing eldercare amongst a pack of jackals.

[JenniferSmith]

Another thought..  does anyone know if anything can be done to monitor what a POA can do while the parent is still alive but in poor health?  Would this be in the realm of an elder care attorney?  Let's say my sibling is assigned POA but I don't trust what he does with my enDad's finances... is there recourse for such things? 

[Kiki81]

Yes there is, and it's a real doozy: A charge of elder abuse, via embezzlement/misuse of funds/the legal term for your area.

All you have to do is lodge the complaint, the county (in my state) takes it from there.

Created a real rats best of problems for the suspected thief.

I turned down my wealthy parents when they demanded me and my husband become their accountants/administrative assistants due to my well founded fear they'd make a claim like this and I'd spend the next 5-10 years defending myself.

[JenniferSmith]

Yes there is, and it's a real doozy: A charge of elder abuse, via embezzlement/misuse of funds/the legal term for your area.

All you have to do is lodge the complaint, the county (in my state) takes it from there.

Created a real rats best of problems for the suspected thief.

I turned down my wealthy parents when they demanded me and my husband become their accountants/administrative assistants due to my well founded fear they'd make a claim like this and I'd spend the next 5-10 years defending myself.

Interesting, thanks. I really need to get educated on this stuff quick. Elder enDad has taken a recent turn for the worst and I do not know if I can trust the people he has designated to manage his affairs.

[Seven]

Thanks Sneezy and Seven.

Nothing has happened yet, but my anxiety is super high. I may do some cold calling to senior services in my area and see where that leads me.

We're actually dealing with enDad (many decades divorced from PD mother). But due to our horribly dysfunctional upbringing, the relationships between the siblings are extremely toxic.  There are also adult children of enDad's deceased partner involved. Its basically a nightmare - managing eldercare amongst a pack of jackals.

It's funny (not haha funny) that you used the word "jackal".  It's part of my bro's online user names.

[Poison Ivy]

I recommend that you consult an attorney who focuses in elder law. If you don't know any and don't have friends who could make recommendations, try contacting your state or local bar association. Sometimes these groups will provide guidance about contacting an attorney. Another possibility would be to contact an agency in your area called something like "agency on aging" or "disability and aging resource center." If you can't find one of these on your own, check the website of your state's department of health services or department of social services.

[Leonor]

Hi Jennifer,

I'm wondering if this situation, as excruciating and sad as it is, may be too toxic to deal with on your own.

Your parents are elderly, but they are adults. They made the choices they made and raised the children they raised, and if it's not possible to work out as a team how you and your siblings can best assist mom and dad in their old age, then there may be little you can do on your own.

There is also a possibility that some of your more dysfunctional siblings and/or parents will somehow turn this all on you. It's amazing how dysfunctional older parents who suffer from very real dementia will still be able to manipulate their kids into loyalty contests, power struggles and the like. Throwing money and control in the mix is like dry leaves on a bonfire.

Just wanted, more than anything, to send well wishes to you, to encourage you to take good care of you throughout all of this, and give yourself permission to worry less and perhaps grieve a little more.