I have my chance

[HollyG]

Husband & I have been close to separating for a few months on and off, with his lies, NPD nonsense etc seeming to becoming a once a month thing. He agreed to anger management and I feel he used it to as a way to build a mask.
He's been up to some very shady stuff, & I called him in it many times and he just lied and lied. I KNEW he was lying bc I had proof and still- damn that gaslighting is POWERFUL!
He was arrested recently.
I have the chance to leave, space to breathe and the ability to do so without the trauma many of us endure during divorce bc we aren't around each other and it's likely he will be serving TIME.
But.
I still talk to him daily. We have a child. I vacillate between feeling finally free, angry at him, sad and guilty, worried about his well being and worst of all how this will affect my child. The press has a hold of it. Baby is young enough they don't know anything is happening.
I miss him bc I think of the good stuff. It's so hard bc we had a wonderful day just 2 days prior to his arrest. I had hoped he'd changed. But honestly I was already checked out inside.
I don't know how to reconcile my feelings. Having a child complicates this & makes it more upsetting.
Thanks for listening
😣

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Leaving is really hard for most of us, Holly.   It just is.  Getting to a place of feeling emotionally reconciled is a process that happens after leaving, especially if we still have some loving feelings left.     

Last year, the day before my breakup, PDx and I had some very loving and tender hours together.  We'd been looking at property.  Breaking up was not on my mind.   The next day he quit therapy and blew things up. 

I knew I was at a crossroads.  What had looked like a real change of heart and serious attempt to address his PD turned out to be a short-lived way to keep me on the line.  There was no reason to believe he would ever change.    I could continue our really dysfunctional pattern (wherein he'd try to get me back soon - which he did)  or I could take the opportunity to leave right then and break the cycle.   I decided that would be best, hard as it was.

I'd made a similar decision many, many years before when my kids were young and I was married.  Part of the reason then was thinking about what effect he was having on the kids.  I prayed to be given the strength to leave if that was the right thing, and it came.

Prayers, T, close friends, this forum . . . all helped to support me through sad and confusing times.  They still do.    There are still hard days.  But overall, it's definitely getting better. 

Keep posting and talking it through as you find your way.  You are not alone.   








 

[Bunnyme]

It is so hard.  Im sorry you are dealing with all of this.  To throw an arrest in on top of it makes a bad situation worse.  I'm glad you have the space to breathe.  I can say that, while i still have moments where I think about the past and what could've been, the longer we are apart, I have gotten more perspective.   I see the lies, and the continued lies.  I used to get so emotionally involved...anger at this action, guilt over that.  Now, I know that I have absolutely zero control over what he does.  No amount of telling him how he has hurt me is going to get him to change.  There's nothing I can do to convince his minions that I am not the one who is to blame.  It may sound hopeless, but it is actually very freeing.  I no longer need to worry about how my choices affect him.  I focus on myself and the best interests of the kids.  I'm civil, and even include him in special things sometimes (but that is really for the kids).   Otherwise, he keeps digging himself in deeper and deeper.  I cant help him.  That only drags me  down with him.
Do you need to talk every day?  If possible, I'd try to limit communication to what is necessary for co-parenting.