Thanks Jerry Wise

[Happypants]

It's during their dormant periods, and when I'm waiting for normal service to resume, that the epiphanies strike.  Today's was sad but validating at the same time. Jerry Wise's most recent video touched upon the different ways to react to someone (in this case, his dad as an example) shaming you and the purpose/emotions behind your reaction.

When i was younger, i did talk back to my dad on occasion but always felt bad after the anger subsided, and I've always thought this was as a result of the conditioning (my vulnerability, acceptance within the family, our "good people don't do anger" rule).  And since my late teens I've never spoken back except very gently a couple of times this year. But in the video Jerry mentions becoming a "Viking" - the idea being that getting angry at him would make you powerful and him weak, taking his power (obviously he wasn't recommending that approach).  It really struck a chord with me. 

In the years since my teens, i have imagined challenging him, sometimes in a gentle way, other times by hitting back with the same tone of voice as he has attacked me with, or quite simply blowing up after all the years of put-downs, minimising and scapegoating.  I always stopped the imagined scenario short of speculating what his response would be.  But I know that his power is so important to him, having the upper hand, being respected and staying in his position of superiority.  And i feel nothing but sadness and pity at the thought of taking that away from him as i know it's a facade he's built up to protect himself.  I know that's narcissism 101, but what i didn't realise until now was that my empathy for him that stopped me biting back even before i started coming Out of the FOG.  I can feel it when i try to imagine his reaction. So I've been beating myself up for years thinking i was a horrible, callous person for dreaming up angry responses, but cutting the imaginary scenario short before i got to the part where i remember that I'm someone with compassion and empathy  Even if I'm no longer willing to be the supply, the thought of taking that power away from him saddens me.  Talk about conflicted 

[bloomie]

Happypants - I am very moved by your insights into why you restrained yourself from biting back all of these years. Seeing past your father's facade of power and authority and choosing to not respond in kind is actual strength and admirable self control.

And yes, it creates tension inside of us as we later process all the things these toxic encounters with a PD parent can bring up.

The quote in my signature line has summed up a similar realization of my own: "You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

[Happypants]

Thanks Bloomie. I've always known deep down that he operates from a place of fear and anger and that his traits are a form of protection, but it's like I've managed to let go of some of my own anger towards him finally and that feels like a huge step for my own feeling of safety, if that makes sense - i feel like i can trust my own reactions to him as i know they're now less emotional.