New Here -Any Input About when, why, how, etc. w/LC and/or NC welcome, thank you

[D.]

I am in the process of figuring out the level of current contact that I want with my parents.  I would appreciate any input on what everyone here has learned about how, when, why you went LC or NC.  And anything else you think would be helpful for me to know, consider, hear, etc. 

I believe that my father has an undiagnosed antisocial personality disorder.  My mother is a co-dependent, enabler w/some characteristics of uBPD and just a couple from uNPD.  They both always want to see me, at least monthly.  After visits or talks alone w/my parents I am often sick both physically and mentally.  But if my brother and/or daughter is there it sometimes becomes a pleasant visit.  My brother's wife told me she is planning NC w/my father if his behaviors don't change.

I've been working on my recovery from all of this for about 10 years.  My wonderful husband of 3 years understands and wants me to do whatever works best for me.  I am feeling the full weight of middle age.  Knowing that our lives on this earth will come to an end and wanting to be at peace w/my decisions should any of us pass.

One more thing.  I went NC for a year once, but I wasn't happy at the time, I was depressed.  I did so more out of self-preservation because contact w/my parents hurt so badly during that time.  It was just an intuitive thing.  Now, things are intentional and it feels quite different.

Thank you in advance for any and all input.  I hope to be healed enough one day to be able to reach out and give more on this site, as well as receive.

[Hilltop]

C, so much of your story sounds like mine.  I'm also middle aged and I don't want to spend more years dealing with this.  I am at the point of thinking I have tried so hard to get along, not care, be pleasant and yet I'm drained, stressed, slightly depressed.  When I write it down it's obvious but putting it into action is a little harder.

I have decided to not see my parents anymore in person as that's when they criticize me and I want to work on my self esteem and heal.  I am going to leave the door open for text at the moment but that's it.  Really it's not my choice its the only form of communication where it's normal and cordial.  My mother won't put anything in writing.

I'm using this time to read all I can and start the healing process.  I'm thinking that as I go through it I will naturally realize that I'm either happy with just text or I'll go NC.  At this point I want my time to be for me and I really need to put my parents in the background as I won't get anywhere with them present putting me down.

Its really hard and frustrating, I still sometimes can't believe I have to deal with this because everyone I know seems to have good relationships with their family so this forum is so helpful.

Its great that you have your husbands support.

[xredshoesx]

i have been NC with my biological mother since i was 22.  i'm 49.  before i was fully NC my mother was not a big part of my life either tho- i had been removed from her custody multiple times via family and/or court actions because of things she did.  she missed pretty much every significant coming of age milestone  when i was a child/ teen so to say our relationship was unrepairable  when i was finally DONE DONE would be an understatement

it hasn't always been easy, and at times i am still dealing with FOG. however, my life without her physical presence has been more peaceful, even at the worst time with my ex, then at any time when she was a part of my life.

[D.]

Thank you  for your input.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching and reading here since I joined a short while ago.  I've decided for now to go VLC with parents.  I noticed that all individual contact w/my mother hurts.  I think she stays appropriate in group texts and group gatherings at my brother's home.  That's it for now.  My dad clearly is simply not emotionally safe - so no initiation of contact.  My values are to love and respect, but from a distance - no initiation of contact.  If they initiate a visit I will probably say no.  Probably Thanksgiving with just my husband this year and it will be delightful.

[Starboard Song]

We went NC with my in-laws when they declared they no longer wanted to interact with us, said they never would, and even that the only thing they were trying to do was to put any relationship with us behind them.

I think the normal course is to reduce contact with those who are reliably unpleasant to have contact with. And most of the tactics we share here are about making a staged reduction in contact tenable. Making LC better than normal. And -- if necessary -- making VLC better than LC. Managed well, many people successfully (1) reduce contact, and (2) manage contact, so that there quality of life goes way up. That is great for them. And if things go south, or in special circumstances, they can adjust contact levels as necessary. That's how things went with my in-laws for a good while before our crisis.

Don't underestimate manage contact part: many tactics here are about having the contact but not tolerating bad contact, or causing the contact to be consistently more positive. Being good at managing contact pays dividends: it helps us in all of our everyday interactions (I think), and it allows you to maintain more normalcy, reducing friction.

We went to MC and sometimes LC, and even employed some of the tactics on this site, without really understanding what was happening. We talked a lot, and trimmed the parts of the relationship that didn't work for us. Eventually, in our case, it all came crashing down.

NC is categorically different: declaring NC is inherently fighting words. Declaring NC can create a major battle, especially if kids are involved, any extended family is involved, or you are not physically very distant. It is also a bit challenging to adjust back from NC. So while I obviously respect those who must join me on my path, I encourage people to find a level of some contact that works for them. I think it is a more likely way to acheive real and lasting peace.........except when it just isn't.

So much good strength to you.

[D.]

This is all so helpful.  I am going to review manage contact part and in the mean time follow my gut.  It's helpful to have the support and understanding for all of the levels of contact.  I know I'm on the right path.  Set boundaries and adjust accordingly.  The irony is that when I commented I am trying to set boundaries that work for me I got ignored lol  I have a feeling that things will naturally settle based on parent's history.  My aunt and uncle went no contact w/my parents several years ago.  My brother and I are the last hold outs but are unified and figuring out how to set standards that work for our families.  Thanks again everyone.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, that's really unusual to have so many family members distancing from a PD in the family. Are you still in contact with that aunt and uncle?

My relationship with FOO ended dramatically and what I clearly intended and communicated to be a temporary break had to be permanent. Like Starboard says, it all came crashing down. Other relationships I tried to manage contact and it still came crashing down, others dwindled, others (non-family) I boundary and manage my way along. Something that helped me a LOT was to simply let go of the outcome. I would do my best with the knowledge I have, and let the chips fall where they may. If I need to change course, it will become clear to me. If a relationship ends, my world does not. I know my values and act in accordance with them. What other people think is not my concern.

[D.]

Call Me Cordelia, To answer you question yes, I have contact w/my aunt and uncle.  That's a good question.  I reached out recently to my uncle and decided he isn't all that healthy, not horrible but not a FOC kind of person, plus he lives far away.  My aunt is sweet, but again, far away so I'm not sure where to go w/that one.  There was a family law suit when my grandmother passed...my father lost...I remember my aunt would get physically sick around my parents, but always welcoming w/me.  I am in contact w/limited phone calls and messages.
And before the lawsuit my grandparents on both sides had done similar things of cutting off contact w/FOO and moving far away.  I really like the concept here of FOC.  I have been doing that w/friends and my faith community.  But sometimes this topic is so sad and depressing I don't want to burden and overwhelm others.  I am learning to be open about being a "survivor" and then to really try to be mindful and just enjoy the relationships I have.  I have close friends and therapist who get it.  But this community really gets it...obviously...

[Andeza]

It seems that when the rest of the family is still fogged but distances themselves anyway, they either are PD themselves or the known pwPD is waving their freak flag high (thanks to WI for the term, I'll add it to her thread) and driving even fogged people away. In this case, C. it sounds like your FOO may have a hefty dose of people that are disordered. Likely it started with the grandparents, or even further back down the line. The good news is, you and your brother can change the course of your family tree in the present by the choices you make. So, we are not doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past and can seek the necessary distance and healing to see it done.

I am NC with my uBPDm, but only after coming to the conclusion that I personally was unable to have any level of contact with her that was not damaging in some way. I tried just lowering contact, and while that gave me the distance I needed to educate myself and become more aware of the pit of ugliness that all these emotions were rising up out of, ultimately every phone call and conversation just threw more ugly into that pit.

It will be important for you as you move forward to continue to touch base with your emotions and weigh whether or not they are manageable enough for you to remain healthy despite continued contact. For some of us, myself included, it isn't doable. But it's not a one size fits all solution. Some are able to practice enough self-care after each contact that they can recover and continue with their life as normal between each interaction. You may be quite capable of this as well, but be observant of your own self to figure it out.

Much love to you!

[D.]

Andeza,   Interestingly I had just come to some similar conclusions before reading your comment.  In fact I was talking w/my husband about my family tree and I know that most of my great grandparents on both sides had issues including depression, expressions of cruelty, extreme criticism, no contacts, estrangement, several suicides, etc. The thing is these same people were mostly functional w/regards to work and finances which I find hides the reality.

And I am so heartened by the stories here and my current nuclear family awareness.  Sometimes I worry about my own kids since my xh is clearly NPD.  But I've known that for several years and have really worked to try to help them although it's a fine line between creating a parent/child problem by speaking ill of him, and supporting them as they became adults in terms of understanding working with their own reality.  I recently read some great info on this site and I'm afraid I made some of the mistakes described.  But I am learning.  And I really try to be a skillful listener w/them.  Interestingly my adult kids moved far away and say they enjoy visiting w/me and my husband.  We feel welcomed.

All that to say yes, I hope that things continue to improve generationally.  I look forward to being available as a grandmother one day  in a way that provides more awareness and a healthy environment for them, free of these PD dangers and family patterns.