Addressing an issue with a friend

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Hmmm... so I feel like I've been going through some emotional metamorphosis, and a period of personal growth. I know this is a good thing, but I've also been struggling with loneliness for a few months being in a new town and starting a new job.

I've been reading self help and going to therapy, and as part of this period of growth, I've started to see some friendships differently.

In one way, it's not so good as I feel like I need all the friends I can get. The thing is, I actually do have quite a few friends. A lot of people like me. I have the most fantastic workplace that I love too.

Anyway, so one friend who has done some things in the past that have hurt me, this included criticising me, passing on very personal information and even criticising a wedding gift I gave her. Anyway, this friend recently sent me something. I have a different kind of diet, it's a very personal and private thing. I should add that I checked it off with my doctor and eat healthily and carefully. Anyway, my health is excellent. I am in good shape, I have an active lifestyle, I rarely get sick etc. I also as a principle don't tell other people what to eat or do.

Anyway, so I hadn't heard from my friend in a while and she sent me this video of a lady savaging my type of diet. For reference, my friend really believes this sort of thing. She has also said something pretty not nice about my diet in the past and at the time I let it slide.

Anyway, so this time, I feel like standing up for myself. Some of what is said in this talk is just factually utterly incorrect.

So I'm trying to find a way of drawing a boundary around the unsolicited advice giving and negativity towards my diet.

I guess I just still feel vulnerable about this stuff, and I want to get it right.

Not so sure what I'm asking for here, thoughts and opinions welcome 😊

[Thru the Rain]

I have a similar friend who has an opinion about everything. Absolutely everything. And she has a unrelenting urge to tell anyone and everyone how to live their lives.

We've been friends since grade school, over 45 years now. I only see her once every couple of years - she lives about 2000 miles away. Otherwise I don't think we'd be friends any longer.

She's coming to visit this weekend, which is why your story struck a chord with me.

I have a new response I'm going to try out: "I don't need you to solve my life for me". Said kindly and with a genuine smile.

I'm hoping it works - and maybe you could try some version of that with your friend? Or even something stronger like these:
- "I'm not looking for permission to follow my diet"
- "I don't need your approval - please stop sending me articles/videos about my diet"
- "I understand you don't approve of my diet - you don't need to continue to repeat your opinions"

[notrightinthehead]

When faced with situations like this, I first tell myself that the other is entitled to her own opinion, her own prejudices, her own errors. You do not have to correct her false believes but you can, if you want to engage in such a discussion. If I respect this friend and believe that her opinion is valuable for me, I will exchange my opinion with her. In your example, I would say that this video is factually wrong in point 1,2,3, because of and then present my arguments. But I would do this only, if I believe that this is possible with my friend and if I value her enough to actually try to change her mind. Otherwise I would say something like, ...Thank you for being so interested in my life. It seems that you worry about me. As for that video - It wasn't very well researched. Lots of false information. Some people will believe anything... and avoid the topic.
When faced with a missionary friend who has to convert everybody to her view, I decide how inportant and valuable she is for me. If I can have a good time with her sometimes, I will see her sometimes. If I never have a good time and regularly get a lecture but still want to keep up the contact, I only meet her in a group (not that this is possible at the moment) and only do the things we both enjoy.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Thru the rain and notrightinthehead,

Thanks very much for those thoughts 

The thing is this video is startlingly non-factual. I think I'm going to keep it short and to the point, with a bit of polite boundary setting about the unsolicited advice.

It's actually really quite passive aggressive as this video is verging on just nasty in places, with the presenter mocking (my kind of diet) and people laughing in the background. I have always believed others are entitled to their opinions, but to foist them on others without their consent isn't respectful imo. For instance, it's probably on a par with sending an islamic friend a long anti-Islam clip.

I like how I eat, I'm proud of this healthy part of my life. My life certainly isn't perfect but this is one corner that works well for me. I also, on principle see it as a private thing, and I don't tell people what to do with the way they eat.

I have always maintained a healthy lifestyle, and I know that my friend has major struggles with her diet and weight. I would never in a million years tell her how to eat or make implicit comments on her health. But it's also not okay for her to take her issues out on me.

I was thinking of getting some distance from this friend for a while. There have been other things, and I just don't want to be around people that treat me disrespectfully and hurtfully.

[notrightinthehead]

What you wrote sounds like very healthy boundary setting to me. Proud of you JollyJazz. Hope you are too!

[JollyJazz]

Thank you notrightinthehead,
Your support and validation really, really helps

I just struggle with setting boundaries, but I want to do this more!

I know I'm growing (inside) because I'm getting tired of double standards, the idea that I just have to stay quiet when things upset me, I want to say things, ask for help, receive love, respect and care, instead of lop sidedly giving and giving with little in return!

I've drafted my message so it will be bombs away soon!

It's really a polite message!

I've also been taking stock lately of how many people like me and seem to like being around me! I don't actually HAVE to put up with anything hurtful in relationships...

I was brought up being told I had to be nice and polite, with little niceness or politeness in return... I got shouted/screamed at, hurt, mocked, called names etc.

And I'm done with that. So thank you  I appreciate your support

[JollyJazz]

Update: well it took me a little while to actually sum up the courage to send the message but I did it!!! I did point out some of the inaccuracies in the talk but also was very polite and set a polite boundary.

Honestly, I feel good about it! Thank you for your support all!