Not sure how to deal with this one - live in 'friend'

[Foggydew]

Just before Christmas, a friend I have been working for asked me if i could put up a colleague for a short time because his flat contract had fallen through and he would otherwise be homeless over Christmas. I took him out for a meal, and told him I would be willing to do this. After some hesitation, he agreed, and he moved into my dining room. We agreed on three weeks till he got himself sorted. Then he lost his job. He drank too much, was verbally aggressive to our boss, and seemed to lose the plot. Weird rumours began circulating; that he can be very aggressive, takes drugs, is an alcoholic, is untrustworthy. He has always been considerate and friendly to me, exeptionally so, and very grateful that I said he could stay. Well, since all seemed to be going well, apart from the rumours, and I wanted to go away for a longer holiday and needed someone to take care of my flat, I asked him to stay on whilst I was away.
I never managed to get away. The Corona troubles began, and he had.. has ..to stay with me because everywhere is locked down now. The jobs he said he arranged fell through, of course (in tourism). I got some urgent phone calls from our ex boss, saying he was wanted by the police. He called them, in my presence. A day later the police showed up on my doorstep and took him away, saying he was wanted for dangerous threatening and for fraud. He came back and showed me some pictures where a man was robbing a bank, and told him that was why he was wanted .. his ex partner had reported him for theft, and because he resembled this man in two different bank robberies. He laughed, said it was a very bad joke, but he is not allowed to leave the country. He was angry that his friends believed this stuff....and he did leave threatening messages ...which could be interpreted in more than one way. He drank a lot, ranted often, spent most of his time in his room ... and has cooled down.
But he doesn't go out. He doesn't tell me anything, explain anything, or tell me his plans.  We exchange niceties, or sometimes watch TV together. He is a gentleman towards me, cooks and cleans for me. He has no money. He's over 50, but is so secretive about everything that I don't really know how old he is (I'm over 70).  I find it difficult to share my life with an aquaintance at such an intimate level with no real contact. He actually lives on my pension at the moment - not that he can do much else in this strange situation. But I really don't know how to continue - I find it very depressing sometimes. It's OK that he is here, but the secrecy and the obvious desire for little contact get me down. Any ideas? Oh, he was once a top sportsman...

[clara]

The thing with the current situation is, it won't last forever.  In the meantime, what does your "gut" tell you about him?  How you really feel about him (and not just his superficial behavior) will determine what course to take as soon as things get better.  In my own situation, I let a boyfriend move in with me after just a couple months of dating.  He was possibly NPD, definitely a narcissist, and within a month of moving in got fired from his job and spent the next 4 months or so allowing me to take care of him.  He made no effort to  look for work.  He was also an ex-con, and was out on parole when I met him. 

I noticed that while he could be intimidating, there was a line he never crossed, so after months of distancing myself emotionally from him, I finally told him I could no longer afford to support him and he needed to move out.  He got very angry and made a scene, but I didn't respond, just repeated that I couldn't afford to live in our place as long as he was unemployed.  I guessed that he'd still make no effort to get a job, and I was right because he dragged his feet for awhile, making no plans either way, until I told him if he didn't want to move out he could stay and take over the lease, but I was going to move out.   That struck a chord in him, and when I noticed he was responding to that threat, I took the next step and asked him if he wanted to go out looking for apartments for him.  He agreed, and when we found one I paid the deposit and first month rent.  After he moved out, I distanced myself from him, said I didn't think we should be together etc.  Again, he got angry and stalked around my place a couple times but I knew his greatest fear was going back to jail, so I threatened to call the police on him.  He stopped and then got another girlfriend and disappeared from my life.

So what I'm saying is, maybe play several scenarios in your head as to how you might be able to get rid of him, use what you already know about him to gauge how to approach him (trust your gut in these) and pay attention to how he responds.  You're in a difficult situation and maybe can also enlist the help of other people you know, including family members, to show this guy that you're not alone and vulnerable but have others backing you up.  Be careful with this and maintain constant vigilance.  Good luck!

[Ilovedogs]

I have no further advice, what Clara says is very wise in my opinion. I just wanted to reiterate what Clara said about your gut, real real gut feeling about him, not the thoughts in your head but the feelings in your body. Are you tense around him, fearful, how do you feel at night or trying to sleep, are you on edge? If you have any bodily signs of something being even a bit "off" around him I really really urge caution. Can you prepare a plan for if you need help suddenly, either for yourself or to get him out of your home? Because the police have already been involved they may be able to help you? I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I was genuinely alarmed by what you say about your situation, I personally felt very afraid reading about your live in guest. I am not you though, only you are living in proximity to him and can know how you feel, how his atmosphere feels, to you. Please be very very careful. Best wishes to you.

[Foggydew]

Thanks very much for your replies, they have helped me a lot. I have to say that he has quietened down a lot, and the really pretty violent threats he told me about are not an issue any more, it seems. He is opening up a fair bit, although I still don't believe everything he tells me. I genuinely don't feel threatened, on the contrary, his behaviour is becoming in the relatively normal field. Not always pleasant, maybe sometimes a bit passive aggressive, but ok. At the momewnt, anyway. He is still very evasive about the future, but at present, it's not surprising. It helps to be able to discuss my fears seriously. Thanks.

[Ilovedogs]

Thanks very much for your replies, they have helped me a lot. I have to say that he has quietened down a lot, and the really pretty violent threats he told me about are not an issue any more, it seems. He is opening up a fair bit, although I still don't believe everything he tells me. I genuinely don't feel threatened, on the contrary, his behaviour is becoming in the relatively normal field. Not always pleasant, maybe sometimes a bit passive aggressive, but ok. At the momewnt, anyway. He is still very evasive about the future, but at present, it's not surprising. It helps to be able to discuss my fears seriously. Thanks.

I'm glad he's behaving better. I'm glad you felt you could discuss your fears seriously.

It sounds a very serious situation to me, potentially even very dangerous.

I just wanted to add my own observation about pwPD. In my experience, most pwPD have the ability to be really lovely some of the time, especially in the cluster B group where being lovely is really a big aspect of the PD. Love bombing, especially from a pwPD who wants or needs something from you, can be really really convincing and disarming, because on some level they really can mean it at the time. If you are being idealised, it feels like connection, like they're your pal, or even soul mate. Opening up can be a huge part of this. They might tell you no one else believes or understands them like you do. However it is part of a very unsettling, sometimes extremely dangerous, cluster of behaviours. It never ever ends well in my experience, and in my opinion. The idealisation turns to disgust, which turns eventually to hate.  This in my experience means abuse. And abuse can be life threatening or even life ending. Abusers who treat you really nicely in my experience are the most dangerous sort. Just my thoughts. I hope you manage to keep yourself safe.

[Foggydew]

Thanks again. I do get the feeling that his behaviour is unstable, and he does drink a lot. Yep, there is something not quite right in all this, but he is really making an effort. Another two weeks and the lockdown will end, and then we can see further. I don't want any confrontations at the moment.

[Foggydew]

 Today we actually got into an arguement, though I tried hard not to. I am so tired of this behaviour, so tired of being understanding. My whole life through. I just don't see any way forward.  I can only keep my mouth shut.

[Amadahy]

If he's living on your pension, stop buying him booze. If he's in his 50s, put him to work around the house or outside. Do you have family or friends support? I'd be giving this fellow a deadline to get out. Your home should be your Haven, a safe place. In the states, Adult Protective Services might assist. Please, for your own safety and peace, make a plan to bid him farewell. Let us know how you get on. Take care.  ❤️

[clara]

    It helps a great deal to let them know you have people "on your side," that you're not alone and vulnerable.  That you have control over what happens in your own home.  You don't have to be overt or confrontational about it, but let him know, if subtly, that others are aware of the situation. 

[Amadahy]

Foggydew,
How are you doing? xoxo

[hhaw]

Where's the friend who asked you to put this colleague in your home now?

Why can't that friend take this person on, since he's turned into a hazard to you in your home?

And.... how is this roomy getting booze if you aren't buying it for him?

What are the steps you need to take to have him removed from your home?

I think threats and violence will get him removed pronto.  You can't call and request he be removed if he hasn't done anything, is my understanding.

I hope you find a solution soon.  This isn't normal.  It's not acceptable.  You have no obligation to support and keep this stranger in your home.

Ask your "friend" for help.  They owe it to you for doing  a solid that turned out to be something more than what they said it would be. They put a crazy person INTO your home.

Please ask.

[Amadahy]

Foggydew,
How are you? Have you gotten this fellow out?
xo

[Foggydew]

I tried to answer some time ago, but apparently my post disappeared. He is still here, and has been behaving well apart from drinking everything in sight and out of sight (I tried hiding some). Still pretty evasive... But he seems to be suffering from an anxiety disorder. To complicate matters, my other difficult person now refuses to visit me out of protest that live-in friend is here. He says he is afraid for me. They got on very  well  at first. I have no intention of succumbing to emotional blackmail, but I do have to try and discuss tbe situation with the live-in one, and see if I can get him motivated to change his situation and get help. He never goes out, juzt stays in his room all the time with the curtains drawn.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggydew,

Just reading your post, did you get that guy out? I hope you are doing okay!

[Foggydew]

Thanks for asking. No, he is still here, but a lot has changed. He has cooled down, become more friendly and iformative, and I have to say that during this awful lockdown stuff he is a real help. So he is earning his keep, I have someone looking out for me and keeping me company, and he has time to think himself over. And that is how it is. We will see how it goes on, because he still gives me very little information, and avoids all discussion of the future. When pressed, he makes things up. End of next month it will be a year since he moved in.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Foggydew,

Does he pay you rent? You would be well entitled to ask. He has been there for a year. Would rent money be a help to you financially?

Would you feel comfortable asking him to pay rent?

Do you feel intimidated by him?

My suggestion would be to also talk to a counselor about this situation, to get help and support.

If you want company, wouldn't it be nicer to have someone kind who pays rent to you?

You don't have to put up with a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes our childhoods make these kinds of things feel normal when they really aren't.

If you want him to leave and he refuses the police will get him out in a way that will keep you safe.