Blah

[Amadahy]

Hi, y'all,

Nmom went to long term care back in May.  I'm just now starting to relax, a little, but a strange convo happened between me and DH the other day that rang true, even though it seems foolish.

I was angry with DH for a slight -- not a big deal, but I had overreacted.  As we talked about it (well, I fumed; he talked), he gently suggested that I am feeling lost and directionless since I don't have to be responsible for my Nmom now.  Dang, dang, dang!  My "truth" radar perked up because this is true on some level.  WTH is wrong with me?!  I think he's right .... all my life I have had to cover for her, make excuses for her, take care of her, etc etc and I've never really developed my own interests.  At 52 years old, I do not know what I want to be/do vocationally or even hobby-wise.  I've dabbled in dozens of different things, but am a jane of all trades, master of none.  It's a frustrating place to be and truthfully, right now, I am just exhausted and don't have the energy reserve to explore possibilities.  I'm very blah, whereas I have been a very focused, driven, energetic person in former years.

Any thoughts? I'd love to know your experiences or ideas.  Thank you.  xoxoxo

[Andeza]

Feel a bit like a kite cut loose?

I never hit that spot, but then I was always of the headstrong opinion that I would live my life as I wanted and not as uBPDm wants. She's probably still betting on a hospital bed in my living room, as WI liked to say. Which ain't happening. Not even IF hell freezes over.

If I were in your shoes I would start off small. I don't know if you're looking for a career or just a primary interest for the moment, but small is usually affordable and doable right off the bat. When you said jane of all trades I immediately thought of a handyman. But then, we've got someone in the fam that does that for a living, so it comes to mind more easily. Maybe attend a few seminars, talk to people in different trades or professions, and don't limit yourself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Actually I thought that you maybe needed to just drift a little right now. May isn't really that long ago, in the scheme of a lifetime being responsible for your M. I think it's great that you're a dabbler and try lots of different things. You have the freedom to explore and play a bit. It means you have the intelligence to appreciate many things. Perhaps I'm reading more into this than you meant, but I'm sensing some kind of pressure to get a goal and get back to your "normal."

Well, your "normal" drive sounds like a coping strategy that you don't really need anymore. You have lived in a war zone emotionally your entire life. You need time to adapt to life in safety, similar to a combat veteran. You say you are exhausted, and it's completely understandable! It's okay to have a time of convalescence. Take care of yourself, with no pressure to produce anything beyond what's actually needed for your life. (Such as if you have a job and need it, well then of course.) Just allowing things to happen and see where your life takes you one day at a time. You deserve to be a human being and not just a human doing. You'll know when your creativity is ready to go.

[Hepatica]

Call Me Cordelia,

That is such a beautiful, wise response.

We forget, I think, or we overlook, or we numb out what we've been through. We do need convalescence. I am new to NC, so I am just getting the sense of what it is like not to have the "drama bombs" dropped into my life. I am feeling a sense of calm finally.

Amadahy,
I relate to what you're sharing. I am of the same age and just really removing the toxic family from my life since August. I have had to leave my job due to health issues so I have time to think and as the days go by, I am for the first time wondering how to find joy and purpose beyond a full-time job and dysfunctional family. Here is my life sitting waiting to be lived. What will I do with it?

I have no answers but I'm with you. I do note what I'm drawn to. I love writing, painting and baking. I am trying to work past the protective measures that no longer serve me, the perfectionism for instance, and see if I can take baby steps in exploring these interests.