Diplomacy

[Hepatica]

My uNPD sister's daughter just "friend requested" me on FB. I thought I had blocked her.

What do I do now? I am not sure if she is toxic.

[Boat Babe]

If you thought you had blocked her before, it's because you probably had good reason to. How like her mum is she? Is she a FM? Only you know if she's toxic. 

What a horrible decision to make. You are going to have to go back to basics and reaffirm your boundaries with yourself and then your FOO.

Maybe a way of making the decision easier is if you look at it this way. A simple FB request has got you feeling cornered and unsure. That is probably "a sign".   

Sending hugs 🤗

[Hepatica]

Thanks Boat Babe,
I feel really uncomfortable and yes, cornered. It is a sign. I have to learn to listen to my feelings.
When I go into my head, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but being raised the way she's been makes me feel a little naive thinking that way.
I had deactivated my FB for the last few months but checked in today. I'll re-deactiveate it and just ignore the request.
Thank you to reminding me to check in with myself and honouring that.

It's crazy how I'm already in confusion but when I bring it back to how I'm feeling there's the answer.

[DistanceNotDefense]

What I might possibly do (besides ignoring completely, which is what my gut would tell me to do) is put her on an extreme privacy restrictions list if I do friend her. That way it's like a one-way mirror: you can see what she's all about but she can't see what you're doing (and report back to FOO if she's a flying monkey). If she sees your profile it will just look like it's activated but nothing takes place on it. I'd make sure you have no mutual friends with niece with less privacy settings.

It's only if you think there's the smallest smidgeon she might be non-toxic. So she could access you if need be, and you could learn more. Unfortunately I had a cousin who seemed harmless from the side of my uNPD/ASPD dad's family (I'm NC with dad for almost 20 years) but it was all too obvious she was being used to gather information for my aunts and uncles, maybe even dad himself. I unfriended her.

In my opinion, I'd lean towards ignoring completely though - even seeing what her life is like might rustle up some unwelcome feelings. The less drama the better. I feel like I'm happier with absolutely no reminders or knowledge that these FOO exist as much as possible.

[nanotech]

I ended up having to block my niece and younger sister because I had a growing awareness that my two blocked N siblings were either viewing my social media through their pages  or being told every detail of what I was doing all of the time.
There was a lot of flying monkey business and enabling going on. Spinning also went on.,
It was a sacrifice though,  because niece has  2 adult kids who seem very non PD and who I get on well with.
I sent them a message saying that I loved them and I was just reducing my social  media in general- as I was spending too much time on it. They were fine with that so all good.
I did tell niece a little bit more. Told her I loved her and her mum but that her mum didn't choose to respect my boundaries, so I needed to reduce my contact with her mum, and that included niece's Facebook link with me. She read the text and didn't really comment on it. She doesn't really get it. She is still  in the FOG. But she didn't stop or block my texts.
It was hard and I felt mean. 
But my goodness how my mental health has improved.
I'm still in touch by text with those 2. However I've realised from feedback from my UNPDdad, that the little I say on there to those two, gets loudspeaked and spun up to the whole FOO. Who in turn, loudspeak and spin it up further. 
Meh.
So they are now on an information diet.
I'm unsure how todo the one way mirror thing, but that sounds like a good compromise if you don't wish to block her completely.

[guitarman]

You have choices. Just because someone has requested that you become a friend on Facebook doesn't mean that you have to comply and friend them. You do not need to reply. You could just ignore the request and do nothing. You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

The friend request has triggered you. You need to trust your gut. You need to look after yourself and do what is right for you, not other people. You need to put your needs first. It's OK to do that, it really is.

Other people don't really appreciate the stress and tension we can experience about simple things that to them might be quite meaningless and trivial. We can ruminate about the implications of making decisions and how they may affect other people when we should be thinking about why we made the decision to meet our own needs, not theirs, in order to keep ourselves safe and free from any more harm and abuse.

[nanotech]

You have choices. Just because someone has requested that you become a friend on Facebook doesn't mean that you have to comply and friend them. You do not need to reply. You could just ignore the request and do nothing. You do not have to JADE that is justify, argue, defend or explain yourself.

The friend request has triggered you. You need to trust your gut. You need to look after yourself and do what is right for you, not other people. You need to put your needs first. It's OK to do that, it really is.

Other people don't really appreciate the stress and tension we can experience about simple things that to them might be quite meaningless and trivial. We can ruminate about the implications of making decisions and how they may affect other people when we should be thinking about why we made the decision to meet our own needs, not theirs, in order to keep ourselves safe and free from any more harm and abuse.

I agree with everything guitarman has written. His last paragraph - so powerful and true.
Quite often, PDs  will capitalise on the social 'normality' of being Facebook/ Twitter/ insta friends with all of your blood family.
The PDs try and shame us into a connection through which they can then manipulate and abuse us, all in plain sight of others. ( gives them an extra kick of juicy supply)

I've been at the sharp end of this, when a flying monkey questioned why I wasn't 'friends' with my parent on FB.
I was in the FOG at the time, but my intuition was waving to me from the waves. Unfortunately, I let it drown.

I capitulated for the sake of appearances.
I duly followed the rules of society. I added her, with a tiny yet sharp pang of worry. This was in the early days of Facebook.
It didn't take long before I received public criticism. Everyone got to read it. I felt awful. All my friends on there had seen and read how I had upset my mum by posting a photo of her that she hated.
She didn't mince her words of criticism, and in harsh commands and shouty tones, she posted publicly for me to remove it IMMEDIATELY!
I felt about 6 years old. 

It was actually my fm niece who had rung her to tell her how awful she looked in this photo and that she was 'worried for her health.'
Mum WAS getting ill. I had physically jumped when I saw her. She had lost a shedload of weight- unexplained. Out of the photos I took, I posted the VERY best one. I actually thought she'd be pleased with it. She had GC's baby on her knee looking cute- I thought she'd be happy about that.  (See me how sought approval, and received a huge rejection). 
Sigh.
She wasn't happy. It honestly wasn't a bad picture. But it showed her weight loss. That day, that time, was the family was meant to  to ignore it?
Yet- on the day she liked her present, a CD of her favourite singer, and then perplexed me by announcing which song from it she wanted to be played at her funeral!
Mum was having tests, which later in the month, found cancer.
One of her tests, the crucial one actually, actually got delayed by three weeks, due to UNPDGC brother moving in to my parents' tiny bungalow with his wife and children, while their own house was fumigated ( they'd seen a mouse). Where they all slept it's mystery to me.

Nothing could be said about THAT- and tbh what was the point, after the event?  I wasn't allowed to ever say one word against my brother.
I've digressed a bit here! But my point is-
see how it all snowballs from one Facebook Add.

[GettingOOTF]

I treat my social media accounts as if they are my home. If I wouldn't have you over for drinks we can't be "Facebook Friends".

It's your space. Many people think of FB etc. as a public part of their lives they are obligated to share with others. It's not and you are under no obligation to do so.

People who want to make genuine connections reach out in person, or send a message, they don't "friend" on FB.

She won't know if you delete the request and you can always reach out yourself later if you change your mind.

[Hepatica]

Thank you to all of you. Within the FOG is another element for me and that's confusion.

guitarman and nanotech, you're right. I was triggered and definitely had that "pang of worry." The Pang of Worry should be another element to highlight in of all of this, in our learning curve to rescuing ourselves.

DistancenotDefense, yes. I feel inside that the best route for me is to ignore it completely. The good thing is that I have been off FB for months now, deactivated and only came in this week to observe the political responses and knew I would close it shortly thereafter.

I am not sure if there is an feature on FB to prevent receiving private messages. That would be my biggest concern, getting a PM from her that lures me back into the toxic family drama or asks me to do something that i have to then say no to.

I have me email open to a few of the family members and that is becoming a route to ponder as well. This week my friend who is married to my cousin (old friend who I am beginning to think has picked up fleas or was always toxic) wrote to tell me of a death in the family, but with that she also added a paragraph about intense infighting in my aunt's family. (She's married into it, poor her.) I skimmed it, responded with a maximum chill one sentence response and deleted it.

I am learning to keep it at bay!! Thank the GOODNESS!!! Thanks to all of you for your excellent support as I learn how to do this.

[Hepatica]

GettingOOTF,
I do the same thing. I've closed my FB twice but when I returned the last time, I made the decision that i would only have people that I interact with fairly regularly in person or online, who I know well and who have proven decency over time. That's why I'm confused as to why this niece got through. I wonder if she changed her profile and found me? I was sure I had blocked her.

It's something to note mostly, how it threw me and how it made me feel. Not good. I am learning to trust that feeling finally.

I think I'm going to deactivate FB after today. It drives me crazy anyway bc I scroll endlessly when I have it. It's a time waster for me, bc of that addictive element. (Working on that!!) 

[Medowynd]

I have dozens of friend requests that I don't know and never heard of. I have been ignoring them for years.  I suggest that you ignore or delete her request.

[Hilltop]

Your feelings are telling you something.  Listen to them.  If you accept the request how will you feel.  Will you be comfortable knowing that through her page the rest of the family have a view into your life.

You can ignore or delete the request.  It is your page, you should feel comfortable with who can see your posts.  You felt triggered and thought she was blocked, that tells you something.