Successful mother-dodge...I think!

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SparkStillLit

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Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« on: November 06, 2020, 10:32:12 PM »
I've said I'm being LC with her. She is VERY PERSISTENT because I do the intermittent reward thing (I don't know what else to do w/o being NC) and I answer every 5th or 8th or whatever VM, but normally in text or email. Not in person. She still calls about every other day, and several times a day on weekends.
She left a vm today stating that she and my stepdad were either taking us out for a meal tomorrow, or having us over to her place for dinner.
(Crazy side notes: a) my stepdad can no longer stand to live with her, and has been living on his own for years now. They are still together, though he talks often of not being so, and they get together regularly. They've been together over 20 years. B) she volunteers him for shit he doesn't even know about ALL THE TIME. I ask him now if he knows about things.)
So you know how when you want little kids to do stuff, so you give them a "choice"? "Do you want peas or carrots for dinner?" That's what the vm was like. I left HER one, and I said DS has plans with friends (he does) and DH has a ride (he does), and I won't go out to dinner at all because it's too covidy for me, and we won't be going to her house, too busy.
JADEy I'm sure. I've got to come up with ways to fend her off better.

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Andeza

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2020, 10:40:09 PM »
Hey, it's still a step in the right direction, Spark. Goodness knows you've got enough on your plate right now without adding in pd mother. :blink:

Something you could do is decide how often per week you actually want to deal with her communications. Maybe its every Friday, or every Monday, or some such like that and then you just don't even respond the rest of the time. When you do respond, feel free to ignore all the other stuff said in the interim. You're busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. VERY busy.  You have DD, and your own stuff, and all the crazy making from your SO to boot. "Did you read the (billion and one) messages I left you?" "Nah, been super busy, you know how it is. How's the garden doing?" Or other completely neutral interest item like the weather.

It's you life, you don't have to live it for her or give her an answer to every little engulfing, enmeshing email/text/vm. As the internet meme goes: Ain't nobody got time for that!
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2020, 11:37:53 PM »
This is a good idea! She never EVER sends text or email, but she reads them. She's always saying "I don't think you listen to my voicemails" and then titters in this REALLY annoying fashion. Well, I don't, because she leaves ones so long my phone cuts her off. Or "I don't think your phone is getting my voicemails". She's really an exhausting person. Every now and again she will throw in a call at 5:30am that freaks me the F out and has me scrambling for the phone, because it's either my boss or DD. Well, I changed her ringtone after a few of those and I don't answer anymore. (Pick it up with no eyes on and swipe)
The thing is....I don't want to talk to her. I haven't in weeks now. I CAN'T when in crisis. She's bad for my mental health just as a general rule, and when I have things like DD going on, or a SO goat rodeo, I just can't with her. Like at all. This is why I've been managing by email & text in this "slot machine" fashion. Perhaps I could still pick a day, then just do it via email and only respond to the latest vm.
Sometimes I just delete them, sometimes I listen to the first part (to see if she's threatening to come over). Oh, something else about them. She asks questions, and bizarrely pauses like she's waiting for a response. "Are you coming into town today?" Long pause. "No?" Long pause. "Well if you are, maybe you could stop by and pick up these groceries."
It took forever for her to stop telling my vm "hello? Hello? Are you there? Pick up. Pick up. Hello? Hello?"

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Andeza

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2020, 02:18:29 AM »
Oh good grief,  she's treating the cell phone vm like the old fashion answering machines that play the call while it's being recorded. Ah well, if she wants to pretend to be dumb that's her choice.

I had to go NC with my uBPDm. No amount of contract was okay, and it all left me messed up. Like yelling at my dh for no reason. You know spark, if you need to, it's fine to take a break and just do you for a while. You can just say you've got a big work project for a month or two and won't be available. At all. It would be true.... she wouldn't need to know it was self-work. :bigwink:
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2020, 02:45:35 PM »
I just so happened to listen to a vm that she left earlier, and she said she was coming over!!!!!!!!!!
I have no gates. You can just come up to my door. Now I want gates. SO RUDE!!!!!!!!!
I'll get rid of her quickly. I need to move to another country, that way she can't call me incessantly, either.

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moglow

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2020, 03:54:35 PM »
"She left a vm today stating that she and my stepdad were either taking us out for a meal ."

My first response: I suppose that was intended as an invitation? Thanks for thinking of us but we already have plans." No apology, no details. She doesn't get to command other adults. Her boredom isn't yours to fix.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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DetachedAndEngaged

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Re: Successful mother-dodge...I think!
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2020, 12:03:18 PM »
Boy, that really sounds tedious.

As a practical matter, virtually all cell phones allow you to set up regular hours for a do-not-disturb feature (mine is set from 10PM to 6 AM) so the phone neither rings nor vibrates. However, if someone in my contacts phone 2 or 3 times in quick succession, the phone rings. So... it stops anyone from bugging me, but still allows my parents or friends to get through if there is an emergency.

You might find that useful.

Also, you can probably download a silent ringtone (paradox!)  and set her number to that. You'll see if she calls, but you won't hear it.

Google Voice also has some handy features in this regard, but that's a bit more involved. (A BPD I dated years ago and still stalks me occasionally called at 3 AM the other day and I had no idea until I checked my spam folder thanks to Google Voice.)