sadness and shame and confusion

[desertpine]

Hi all-
I'm feeling a lot of sadness and shame right now. It's been 6-8 weeks since having any contact with my parents after an especially hard and messy fight with them and my sister. I don't know what to do or what to make of all the messiness. It's confusing and I feel scared.
I received an email from my dad yesterday. It was a superficial message to touch base. A short email - he called it an update.
I don't know what to do. And I feel so sad about it.
He rarely sends me emails and never calls. He is a loner who doesn't initiate contact with people, so we've always had a distant relationship. So, it feel strange to get a message from him anyway but especially in this context, it is especially confusing. I don't trust him - as much as I have wanted a relationship with a caring, engaged dad - that's just not who he is or what he can provide. And I'm tired of being hurt and being mistreated. My folks are still together and my mom seems to be a covert narc, so I'm very cautious that this might be hoovering. But most of all, I'm hurt and sad and confused.
this stuff is so hard!!

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm glad you're being cautious. It's an important step in protecting yourself. His email could definitely be hoovering. I wouldn't even know what to reply.

Please try not to feel shame. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You went LC or NC to protect yourself from the hard and messy fight with all of them. You're entitled to take a big time out while you sort out how to deal with them.

[athene1399]

I agree with everything Sunny has said. It is always difficult to know what to do in these situations. Sometimes it is best not to respond. But that is up to you. Or you could respond with MC: "things are going good" and then that's it. Don't elaborate.

Whenever I open up to my parents I always regret it. I always end up feeling worse after the conversation.

Maybe weigh the pros and cons on answering the email. Maybe that will help you to know what you want to do. This stuff can be difficult to navigate for sure. Give yourself as much time as you need to decide

[desertpine]

The anxiety got to me and I responded with a MC type of answer. That things are good, that I reached a personal goal I'd been working on and my spouse had a lovely trip to the mountains.
Today I got another email from him, asking if he could share this info with my uNPD mother. So, that answers that - it was hoovering or a flying monkey. But at least he asked. And I said no - if he engages in more triangulation then I'd distance myself further to keep myself safe.   

My first impulse was to say it was ok - I mean there wasn't any info that she could use against me. And it just seems mean to say no, don't tell her.
But -then I thought that knowing about my life is not something she is entitled to just because she's my mother. As an adult, I have a right to my privacy and deciding how much I want or don't want her in my life. And the truth is right now, I don't want people in my life who lack remorse for harming others and feel entitled to constant admiration. I just don't - even if they are family members. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

[Hilltop]

Desertpine, its sad that these types know how to push our buttons or manipulate us to feel a certain way.  The flying monkey comes in to get everything back in its normal place which is you back speaking to your mother.  Take time out if you feel you need it, its not your job to fix the problems in the family or make them feel better.

I'm listening to a book at the moment Toxic Parents - the ultimate guide by Dr Theresa J Covert.  It goes through Emotionally Immature Parents, Narcissistic Fathers and Narcissistic Mothers.  I have found myself nodding along.  It talks about how as an adult you are left feeling and the draining effects of these types of parents, it talks about how you feel that confusion and shame unconsciously and how you are programmed to respond.  For me it has been an eye opener.  I am reading everything I can at the moment and its helping to make me understand why I feel the way I do and how I am responding to them.  I don't know if you have read many books but I have found for me it is helping immensely with understanding my reactions better and helping me to understand that I am never going to change them or the situation.  It has made me realize how I get hoovered back in even when I thought I had boundaries in place. I am not over it yet, I am at the beginning but perhaps some time out would help you heal.  Its helped me so much and perhaps it may help others.  I've found some books speak more to me than others but they all seem to help in some way.

Nice to hear about  the trip to the mountains, it sounds lovely, well done on reaching that personal goal.  At least here we know we are not alone in this, it is hard.

[athene1399]

Desert pine,

I am so glad you stuck to your wishes and told him not to share. That can be different to do. But you stuck to your boundaries. 

And also, now you know why he was reaching out.

[desertpine]

I received another message from my dad and it confirmed my suspicion that he was trying to be a go-between. In response to me email to him about not engaging in triangulation, he wrote to tell me what my uNPD mom was thinking, feeling and doing; how he wants to tell her my news, and how he doesn't see how that would cause any problems.
I just deleted the message and decided not to respond. I just don't want to engage in these games anymore. They just make my head spin. -sigh-

[JenniferSmith]

Hi all-
I'm feeling a lot of sadness and shame right now. It's been 6-8 weeks since having any contact with my parents after an especially hard and messy fight with them and my sister. I don't know what to do or what to make of all the messiness. It's confusing and I feel scared.
I received an email from my dad yesterday. It was a superficial message to touch base. A short email - he called it an update.
I don't know what to do. And I feel so sad about it.
He rarely sends me emails and never calls. He is a loner who doesn't initiate contact with people, so we've always had a distant relationship. So, it feel strange to get a message from him anyway but especially in this context, it is especially confusing. I don't trust him - as much as I have wanted a relationship with a caring, engaged dad - that's just not who he is or what he can provide. And I'm tired of being hurt and being mistreated. My folks are still together and my mom seems to be a covert narc, so I'm very cautious that this might be hoovering. But most of all, I'm hurt and sad and confused.
this stuff is so hard!!

The bolded sentences sound a lot like my dad - can you tell me more about how your dad is?  I feel I rarely find opportunities to talk about him because he is so passive and distant... so your comments there jumped out at me.

[desertpine]

It's hard to describe my dad. He's really intelligent when it comes to math and science, but he doesn't understand emotions or how to be social. My family has wondered if he's on the Autism Spectrum. He believes in rules and routines, probably has OCPD. For a graduation gift he gave me a thick book about rules of etiquette, so that I'd always be able to look up the rules for proper social behavior. (I think that's how he worded it. ) He has said that he believes that people memorize the rules - so he really believed it was a good gift as I was leaving home. He doesn't understand intuition or the natural/ organic way of socializing. Growing up I just thought he was mean but now I think he has some undiagnosed problems with social skills and rigid thinking.