Flip flopping

[plainwords]

I'm struggling with me ex partner at the moment and how he deals with my son (we have 2 children together, but S is older, 11 and he seems to change his parenting style with him).

My ex and I split when I was pregnant with my daughter as he was having an affair with his now wife. Wife is now pregnant and my children will have a new brother or sister and they're really excited about it.

Now, as a result of this, my ex has flip flopped in his attitude towards my son. Ex has my kids on a Thursday after work and all day Saturdays (never overnight) and in the school holidays he has them 3 days a week as he is a teacher. Again, never overnight and this has largely been due to my son who has Asperger's not wanting to stay over.

Over the summer, my ex seemed to go very heavy on my son in terms of strictness and would message me constantly about my son's weight. This seemed to be a huge issue with him and it seemed it was the only thing he could criticise me about. Son does have a bit of weight on him and it's something I have been trying to manage, but I would get messages telling me how simple it is for me to help him lose weight. I'm not doing it right. I need to do x,y,z. The criticism was relentless and then just stopped! He would weigh my son every time he went round and then message me to tell me what his weight was and if he had gone up or down.

Then my son would come home full of anger as his dad would make him read a chapter of a book (doesn't seem too bad on the surface). The book was chosen by ex and I politely suggested that if he wanted our son to read that maybe our son could pick the book. I was then accused of not making my son read. My son actually loves English and reading in general. It's his favourite subject and I don't need to make him read, he just does it.

In addition to this, my son tells this story of ex asking him to cook dinner for everyone (son loves to cook) and then afterwards he asked son to clear up and clean (new wife intervened and helped out while ex sat and watched). My son then went out to the garden to play with his sister and was then swiftly asked to read. Son refused and a huge argument ensued. My son says he wasn't opposed to reading, but he had just cooked and tidied up and wanted to sit in the garden for a bit on his own to chill out. New wife intervened again to diffuse the situation.

Ex tells a different story of son being defiant and not resilient and how he wants him to be more resilient. So, this is just a snapshot of what I heard over the summer months. Son was reluctant to go to his dad's and I was struggling with his low mood.

If we switch to the last few weeks when ex announces that he's having a baby with new wife, he has gone from all of this, to being super dad. He's now more laid back, the rules on reading have gone, there's no more word about his weight. He's not doing homework with him. He has completely switched and my son has become his number one fan again. I guess, I am just trying to be consistent with what I do with and for my kids.

Is this normal? Is it normal for them to flip flop like this? It seems that now he's expecting another child, the pressure is off my son. He is now actively encouraging my son to spend more time with him, to stay over. He tells him the house is his home. They've been going into great detail about his family tree. He has never been interested before. He has just wanted to do the bear minimum to look like the good guy. It is now a case that the baby is coming and he now wants to play happy families. Would he have continued as he was before if there wasn't a new baby on the scene?

He left our family when I was pregnant with our daughter and he moved in with his new wife immediately. I went through a lot of anger towards the new wife for a while, but now I just a bit sorry for her as she doesn't have a clue. She is good for my kids, but I still struggle with the fact that she knowingly started a relationship with this man knowing that his partner was pregnant. Maybe she has a personality disorder too, who knows.

I almost feel that he will now want to have both his kids with him to create this new family and he has taken the pressure off his son in order to try and convince my kids to stay over more. Others tell me that this won't be the case, he'll probably not be involved as much with the kids once the new baby arrives.

[Medowynd]

I think your friends are right.  The new baby will be the focus of your ex.  This will be difficult for both of your children , especially your son.  I wouldn't be surprised if the visitation schedule changes too as the ex and his wife focus on their newborn.

[GettingOOTF]

Have you checked out the site Chump Lady? It’s specifically for people who have/had cheating spouses. There are many stories there of women in your exact situation.

I’m sorry for what you and your children are going through. Who knows why he’s suddenly playing Dad Of The Year. He won’t be able to maintain that though. So you keeping a stable and consistent home for your son is exactly what he is going to need.

The Chump Lady site explains in detail the types of people who cheat, how it’s abuse and how you can “gain a life” free of your cheater. I think you will find it very helpful.

[plainwords]

Yes, I've been on Chump Lady. I like the site and is how I found here, but I don't see much information about co-parenting, which is why I came here. I post from time to time here. It's his flaky nature that bugs me and how he can come down so hard on one thing and then the next chapter it is completely forgotten.

I suppose I'm trying to second guess someone and predict what might happen in the future to try to prevent hurt for my son mostly and I guess I need a psychic ball for that one 

Yesterday my son and I saw him pass the house as we were indicating to turn onto our drive. He put his head down as much as he could. Son waved - no response. Not even sure why he was passing the house as it is significantly out of his way from his place of work to his home.

[Whiteheron]

My guess would be that he's putting on a show for his girlfriend. "Look at me, look at what a great dad I am..." That kind of thing. Who knows how long it will last. xH did something similar, and the best advice I received was to be consistent and stable. Be their rock. Because it won't last. It never does. My heart breaks for all the kids who get their hopes up that the PD has changed.