Setting myself up for disappointment

[soccer23]

So my sister who lives 2 hours away is a complete UN. She did not call me for my Birthday or text me, instead she made a LONG Facebook post and the moment I tried calling her, there was no response. Well recently I have moved in with my boyfriend, I have gotten a dog and my apartment is amazing! I am extremely proud of all the work I have done because it has been a difficult ride. Well she came into town this weekend and I freed my schedule so we could go shopping together, we could hang out with my boyfriend, her husband and my dog and she could of cared less. Know my sister has never cared, she has never been one to reach out first. The only time we communicate is when she comes into town and my mother plans something with all of us together. However I thought with all the changes in my life that she would at least care a small amount. My boyfriend and I have been talking about when he get married and I always thought when I was younger that I would have my older sister marry me however whenever I bring it up to her she goes "you know covid isn't going to let you travel for your wedding" or "at least I will be getting a free vacation". I know I am in the grief process of losing the idea of a sister. It is just hitting harder then normal knowing she won't be involved in my wedding and I know my mom will make me feel guilty for not involved. Plus it would be nice for her to ask for a picture of my puppy every once in a while but I know she will never care about me therefore she will never care about my dog either. 

[guitarman]

Unfortunately many of us have to calmly give up thinking that someone else is going to change and become the person that we expect them to be. They do not behave as we would. They are the person they are. We cannot change their behaviour, we can only change and control our own. We have to calmly let it go and let it be.

I have learned to calmly accept that my uBPD/NPD sister is not going to change. I used to have hope that she would. It used to cause me so much stress, well it still does. I now say to myself that my sister is just someone that I used to know. That is how I try and protect myself from any more harm and abuse. I care but can't cope.

Perhaps you need to work on building your own self esteem. It's what the author and counsellor Kris Godinez frequently talks about. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. I have found her regular videos very helpful.

Your sister maybe trying to provoke you into getting upset with her by pushing all your buttons. Try to stop feeding her narcissistic supply by not giving her the reaction that she craves. Medium Chill and Grey Rock techniques may help you. You can find out about them in the "Toolbox" section of the website.

I hope that you eventually have a lovely wedding day, whenever that is.

[Sapling]

Dear soccer23,

I agree with Guitarman's advice (and am taking this advice myself). Working on your self-esteems rather than trying to change someone else or even questioning why they can't be the person you would love them to be, sounds like the best way forward. I can relate to that pain of letting go of the sister you needed and accepting the sister you actually have. I am currently going through something similar with my uDPD sister and I hear you when you say it feels harder going through this during a time of isolation.

I find the medium chill technique in the Toolbox really helpful because it doesn't feed the drama they're looking for. It is going to be important to have clear boundaries with her especially now when you're embarking on wedding plans (IMO weddings can bring up envy even in nonPDs). I hope that on the other side of this grief you find yourself surrounded by love- on your wedding day and beyond.

[soccer23]

You both are correct, I have done the grey rock method with my mother who is UBPD and that has been rough but I have been able to maintain my boundaries with her and our relationship has increased significantly and I guess I just assumed setting boundaries with my sister would increase the relationship however now  it has gotten a lot worse and I just thought it would be like it was with my mother but I guess not, you both are right and I just need to work on building self-esteem.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I have an NPD sister and your sister's behaviors toward you sound similar to what I experienced from my sister. As I read your post I wondered if your sister's "not caring" attitude was more like flat out refusal to acknowledge the goodness in your life. NPD siblings seem to be threatened by the success of their siblings. If she does not acknowledge your good life, your independence, your amazing apartment, sweet puppy, and your good relationship then she still gets to have one up on you. It is not that she does not care. It is that she will not accept the goodness that you have. 

You seem to have a good grasp on these dynamics, which will help you align to the things that will advance you in a good direction. I am so happy for all you have accomplished. Keep on course because it seems you are on a good road. Sometimes, accepting that you will not have the sibling you wanted and letting go is the best we can do for ourselves. Grieve the loss and let it go. Focus on the momentum of very good things happening for you. Also, you do not owe it to your mom or family to have your sister be part of your wedding. Include those who support you. Congrats on your new apartment and all the best to you, your boyfriend and puppy. 

[Hilltop]

Blueberry pancakes raises a really good point.  Perhaps your sister is simply refusing to acknowledge the positives in your life.  PD's have a way of trying to ruin your good mood or moment. Its for that reason alone that I would seriously consider if you want your sister a part of your wedding.  She may do something to try to ruin it or stress you.  It's a common theme with PD's.  Invite her, of course but really think about whether she should hold a role at the wedding. I also had a destination wedding, my sister was going to be a bridesmaid.  She decided not to come, she said she couldn't be bothered.  She tried to take the attention onto herself.  I ignored her, she was left out and we enjoyed the wedding.  Its hurtful, yes, I had to grieve the loss of a sister and really get over the disappointment and surprise by her actions but I had to accept it.

She doesn't want the type of relationship you want.  My sister was the same, never called or let me know when she was in town.  I heard via my mother and I guess I could go and see her when she saw my mother but my sister never once called me or text me personally.  I spent years wondering what had happened or had I done something but nope it was just my sister.

You may have to grieve the loss because it is so disappointing to not have the relationship you thought you would.  Enjoy the good things in your life and find other people to celebrate them with.  Lower your expectations of your sister.  You have so much to enjoy, don't let her spoil it for you.

[RAC46]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear but glad you are finding out now rather than later because it looks as though your sister could have dumped a lot more heartache on you.
Both sis and one brother have PD, and while my brother "stole the show" most of my life, it was my baby sis who has broken my heart over and over as we grew older. I finally figured it out about 7 years ago but held onto false hope. When she's on meds, which she only started a few years ago, she's amazing. Just recently she decided —again—to wean off and it wasn't pretty. I said the exact wrong thing. Sigh. Reading up now on better ways to respond. Congratulations on your happiness. Don't let anyone steal it from you.

[nanotech]

It's disappointing and sad. I've an NPD sister too.
I can't begin to tell you how much time and emotional toil I've spent over the years, listening to her drama conversations and putting my own life on hold trying to make sure SHE was happy! 

She WAS happy any time I had a problem.

When I succeeded, she absolutely hated it and would fiercely employ all of the NPD  tactics to try to ruin things for me.

It came to head about 10 years ago. I turned to the internet for help, looking up ' difficult family members'. 
That's when I realised what had been going on my whole life. 
I read all about NPD.
I discovered that my whole family were either PDs or enablers.
I went into therapy and finally (calmly) called time on my sister and her alternate kidnapping/ deserting behaviour.
The part I played was -
seeking approval. This is how it goes. They are less than wonderful to us then they make us feel it's OUR FAULT. We feel that if we  can just do more for them, then we will finally get their approval, and will feel validated.
This is the dysfunctional pattern we've been taught since tiny.
Yep it's that bad.

So then?
Did I ever just get the sister I'd always thought I'd had?
Nope. I got;

Tumbleweed. 
Nothing

From hours and hours of histrionic phonecalls every week.
To...... Zilch. Zero.

I had hoped she would see the light. But that was the last conversation I had with her.

They don't want to do healthy sister stuff.
It's a hard pill to swallow. But it's doable! It's the addiction we have to break. Look up 'trauma bonding.'
We actually miss the drama. Because while we were involved in that drama, there was still a chance we could get them to change.

We are
programmed to seek the approval that they are resolved never to give us.

This is what you need to do - just say MEH! ( a tribute to the late great Out of the FOG member, Woman Interrupted)
Just say-
So what? I'm living my life without that person. Because actually the person youd hoped she was, doesn't exist.
And we DO exist without them,
( this needs saying because we sort of get addicted to the drama and negativity, drawn by the hope that if we keep trying they will change). We can get along wonderfully without their drama and criticism; without their implied disdain at our happiness and our success.
We exist and we thrive all the more. Just feels a bit weird at first.

A bit like being reborn. 

You're stopped at the traffic lights right now,   but they are going to change soon. And you will too! Takes time hun that's all.

Enjoy making your wedding plans. I agree that maybe best not to give her a role in it. It's YOUR day. Weddings are a lot of 'fun' for NPDs. They see a lot of happiness that isn't theirs, and they  want to trample on it.

And they do- because us empaths haven't seen them coming. Don't be caught unawares. She may decide to be suddenly very charming leading up to it, to soften you up. Be strong 💪 xx
You're not  obliged to give her a role and it won't change her attitude.