Here we go again, round 2

[OddFamily]

Ok, so as some of you know Grandma was being a right stubborn person as is typical and fell and broke her hip early this year.  So she's seen for a second opinion as she's still not able to walk, and the CT was conclusive:  the break never healed for some unknown reason.  So hip replacement is tentative for April, here we go again with the waifing.   Haven't seen her since the appointment and already dreading it. 
Add to that Mom's all spun up about Grandma and her in home caregiver getting exposed and having to quarantine if Mom was exposed at work (she works with the public and they've been less than cooperative sometimes), she's on leave of absence from her job for a few months because of this.  So frustrated how everything is revolving around Grandma and her needs.  It's to the point where I feel like my very simple and few desires are having to play second fiddle to Mom being in the fog with Grandma.  Sooner or later Mom's going to get upset at me for taking an evening/weekend job at a friend's clinic, but if she's always busy tending to Grandma and has no time for me, might as well fill in the time somehow, help out a friend and earn some extra money.   
I try to explain how I feel to my mom, she acknowledges it, but there's no significant change, and I don't think we'll get any change until grandma passes.  Mom's set some boundaries and is resentful about being in this situation, but she can't drop the rope.     
The other thing I wonder is is this the standard I have to match when my parents begin to need help?  Mom has already said she'll try not to be like grandma.  I like my parents and they're not PD, but I can not put my own life on hold.  I work in a fast changing industry, and getting into that field in general is super tough, I don't want to lose my place so to speak.   Trying to have that conversation now is not going to work, mom freaked out about me simply asking my PCP a question about advance directives. 

[Andeza]

I want to offer a little reassurance to you. I think anyone at this point in time and the shifting culture that expects their grown children to care for them in their old age is trying to take the easy way out, and probably deluding themselves. I've heard waaaaaay too many stories of "My parents failed to plan for retirement, now I AM their plan" in the last few years. If this is something that has been discussed and decided in an open family with willing participants and nobody is PD, that's fine. Great. Awesome! I've got nothing against two+ generation homes. I just wholly believe that for our parents to have that expectation of us is unrealistic. And, as people live longer and become more prone to dementia or other long-term, chronic illnesses it's not right to expect their children to fully shoulder that responsibility. I flatly told my own dad that he needed to look after his retirement, because I wasn't it. But we have that kind of relationship where he understands and he's putting money away. No harm, no foul.

If your mom is in the FOG, only she can get herself out. We can't drag foggy people out of it or make them see the light. My DH tried, poor man, and I had to hit that point on my own before it clicked. Keep us posted, and we'll walk this journey with you.

[bloomie]

OddFamily - I am sorry your grandma fell and is struggling and that your mom is struggling finding her way through it right now.

In one part of my extended family that is highly reactive, communication is emotionally charged and everything that happens to a little old lady (family matriarch) in her 90's is treated like an extreme emergency by some of her adult children it can get pretty foggy as what is actually mine to do and what I have actually agreed to do.

It helps to remind myself that an elderly grandmother with a fractured bone and full time caregiver is not in imminent danger or harms way. It helps to remember that said grandmother is experiencing what is sadly very common as she ages,  and though we don't want her to suffer or be at risk, her care is being managed by trained professionals and she is right where she needs to be.

There is no urgency here or gap you need to fill that I can see with your mom's decision to take leave or your grandma's unfortunate circumstances. You are free to do whatever you want with your time and an extra job to earn a bit more money is a fun and productive choice of how you choose to spend your time.

The other thing I have learned to recognize is when a family member is holding an expectation of me to fill a role, or take on a responsibility for something I never agreed to. Such as you eventually sacrificing and setting aside your own goals, needs, desires, career when you never made an agreement to do so to care for your parents in the way they have chosen to care for your grandmother.

My own family system holds so many unspoken expectations of certain family members. These expectations are alluded to, spoken around, or simply acted upon and I have found myself facing the expectation I would take on huge, life changing responsibilities when I have been contacted by a medical social worker because she has been told I will assume these responsibilities by other family members.

I have learned the very hard way that I can care for and support those in my family when they are struggling and I can choose how and when and what that looks like for me and for my life. And that is loving and what I have to give is enough.

Choosing not to shift our dreams, goals, and desires to accommodate those around us is emotional maturity and indicative of a developed and healthy core self. And achieving and protecting that is an agreement I have made with myself that impacts my availability and decisions.

Much strength to you as you take steps forward in this!

[Sneezy]

I have learned the very hard way that I can care for and support those in my family when they are struggling and I can choose how and when and what that looks like for me and for my life. And that is loving and what I have to give is enough.

You say that your mom has set some boundaries, but also that she is resentful.  I think that's pretty typical.  And it can be upsetting for you to see your mom struggling with how to handle her mother.  But remember that you can't fix it, nor is it your job to fix it.  Maybe you can lend a sympathetic ear to your mom now and then.  But don't put your life on hold because of this.  Take that extra job, live your life, do the things you want to do.  As far as your own parents aging, take them at their word, for now.  No one knows what the future will bring, and they say they will prepare better than your grandmother did.  So let's hope that that is how it works out.  And if it doesn't, you will be able to set some healthy boundaries and figure it out when the time comes.