Hello - here with spousal and parent struggles

[kerrycog]

Hello
I am at a challenging time in my life.  I hope to find support here as well as offer support to others.

My mom has Alzheimer's and lives with my PD father.  They live within 30 mins of me, and I am the only family or friends in the state.  He was unreceptive to in home professional help even before covid.  My heart is breaking over my mom's decline.  My dad does care for her well as far as feeding, dressing, cleaning etc.  But, he's always been verbally abusive and impatient with her, and now with the Alzheimer's and covid it is worse. I am their only connection or support right now, and I feel completely miserable when I am with them.

I also have a complicated relationship with my PD SO.  I had planned to divorce before covid. but recently found out he (we) has significant personal debt from a past business endeavor.  It is not the first time he has done this.  In fact it is the third.  I feel so angry and betrayed and trapped.  I have teenagers who notice everything, so I have to keep some kind of facade until I can make changes. 

Between these two situations, I am struggling to find a path out of the relationships.  I also need better coping strategies.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I am sorry to hear about all that you are going through. You must be extremely stressed out having to cope with everybody. I know how difficult it can be to cope with someone living with a personality disorder and also someone else living with Alzheimer's Disease as I cared for my elderly mother for many years who was living with dementia.

Your father maybe fearful that your mother might have to go and live in a care home and so is stopping any more intervention. It could be that he wants power and control over the situation and thinks that he is able to cope all alone.

If you fear that your mother's care is inadequate or that your father is being abusive to her then you need to inform the authorities. I know that isn't easy to do. It is a safeguarding issue. You need to speak up for your mother as she can't do that. You need to be her advocate.

It maybe that he just needs some more help from professional carers but is fearful. He could probably do with a break. Caring can become so physically and mentally exhausting, even when caring for the most compliant and sweet natured person.

Hopefully there are local carers support organisations that you and he could get involved with. There are Facebook dementia carers groups to join if you need more support for yourself. Also your father would find it such a relief to have professional carers come to visit to share the burden of all the daily tasks with and just to talk to. They can become family friends. So many day centres and care groups have had to close because of the pandemic so there aren't so many places for your mother to go to during the day to give your father some respite.

You and your father might find videos by Teepa Snow on Facebook and YouTube of help as well. She gives talks about how to cope with someone living with dementia. I found her practical advice very helpful. Her website is https://teepasnow.com/

I practice Mindfulness meditations which have helped me cope better with the stress of caring for my mother and also the person in my life living with an undiagnosed personality disorder. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. Her website is www.tarabrach.com where she gives free talks. I have learned to stay calm and to observe, not absorb.

There are strategies to learn about in the "Toolbox" section of the Out of the FOG website such as Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques. I also post in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum that you might like to look at.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[bloomie]

Hi there. Adding a warm welcome to you. How difficult to be surrounded by suspected PD in both your father and SO AND to have the additional labryinth that supporting care for a very ill parent is.

My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for all that you must be experiencing. My hope is that you will find the resources and conversations taking place here on the forum boards to be a great encouragement for you and a support.

Seeing others who truly seem to get what we find hard to even put into words at times here, has been validating and so helpful to my own healing journey. I too, came needing coping skills and some tools for my life. And I needed to truly understand and learn to develop space around myself using reasonable and kindly lived boundaries so that I could begin to grow and flourish!

Keep coming back! We welcome you!