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[m0vingon]

I have been ready for this forum for awhile now. I found what was missing in my wasteful attempt to villianize my husband (h). It was responsibility for my toxic codependency. Once focused on that, it became clearer that my life indeed my responsibility (groan) and thusly my choices. I stepped out of victim and engaged in mindfulness and continued education. I have an appt with an attorney next week. I feel numb. But my game face is on at home. I feel him scanning me and I remain grey rocked. And repeating an affirmation in my head. I realize that any communication with him now is bargaining. Other than friendly "dinner is pasta" and "random politics " which helps his big brain feel useful. I vacillate wildly between guilt and relief that I have made a decision. This is me. H is a cerebral narcissist and not my first. Hopefully my last.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

As the child of narcissistic parents I have learned a lot about narcissism.

We enter relationships with narcs as adults for various reasons. But the important thing is becoming aware of this stuff. When we are with a narc we need to see that it is we who needs to extract ourselves.

Good for you for taking steps to close this chapter of your life. Lots of non narcissistic life awaits ahead!

Trees

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You may like to look at some videos about narcissism on YouTube. I have posted links in the "Other Media Resources" section of the forum to YouTube channels about narcissistic abuse that I have found useful. I make sure to watch them regularly to keep me grounded, centred and on track. They help to validate what I have experienced.

My situation changed for me when I started to call my family member "My abuser" and that I was their target of abuse. I am aware about not to keep feeding their narcissistic supply. I have educated myself about personality disorders and in particular about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

I frequently practise Mindfulness guided meditations and have learned to keep calm no matter whatever happens. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach. Her website is www.tarabrach.com

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[m0vingon]

Well, it is day 2 No Contact (other than a password texted to port out his cell #). I filed for divorce yesterday. It has been a lot of sobbing. And a lot of outreach to my friends, some of whom I lost contact with a bit because I didn't know how to explain what I was living in and they know when I am lying. So I am done avoiding them and brought them front and center. Now to find a therapist I won't scare off... I have seriously made it thru this week where he moved out and filing by my strong women pals, and hours of time logged watching Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon. And not giving in to stupid ideas when I feel a lonely twinge. Feel the lonely, it will not kill you, I say to myself. What would kill me is staying. I could see my body staying alive, but my joie de vivre was slipping away under layers of negative thoughts I decided to internalize because I wanted that lover. I feel glimmers of myself returning back. Took hours, but his room is ready to be painted. With it empty, I had a drink, burned sage, and sang/played guitar.

[guitarman]

Keep reaching out to your friends. You will need support through all this. You are doing so well. Take one small step at a time.

Keep posting. Keep playing your guitar! It all helps.

Go live your life and live it well!

[m0vingon]

Thanks for the response. At a bit of a loss finding a local mental health providers. I plan on doing a more detailed search in the big city 75 miles away. I am not an easy client. I became a licensed mental health provider in my state in 2003. Started working as a counselor after my Master's in 1998. So for over 20 years I have worked in a variety of settings, first half of the career working with children and then move to adult treatment. I have had long stints where I participated in therapy. Even while married to my soon to be ex. During that treatment, a large part of the discussion was him and health issues. It never occurred to me that he was a narcissist.  I thought I was broken. Going to continue posting in a minute... I feel the need to tell a detailed story today. It has been recommended that a part of healing is forming a narrative about what happened. Thx Dr. Vaknin

[m0vingon]

Well, good news is that I have an appt tomorrow with a therapist. Bless that person and hope they can manage me.

[m0vingon]

Therapist appt went well. Whew. Been crying a lot less. Also painting rooms, quite satisfying.  Just ate tacos in a parking lot while waiting for the ex to drop off the kiddo. Committed to No Contact.

[guitarman]

Well done.

[Mamu]

You are a brave soul. Pat yourself from my side.