Always sure people don’t really like me

[Call Me Cordelia]

So my father used to tell me that people would always dislike me because they were jealous of me. I was a precocious kid and he coached me to lord my smarts over the other kids at school. My parents made me weird in many ways, and couldn't be bothered to help me socially by taking me to birthday parties etc. very much. And being in my family made me weird. I felt like I had a big neon sign over me that declared I could never fit in.

As an adult, I know I am exceptionally blessed with caring friendships. But I still doubt it and feel insecure. I feel like that sign is still there. It goes in waves. I do think current events are affecting me, and some good old hormones. Also disappointing people makes me feel really insecure. I had to back out of an obligation this weekend due to a sick child, and now I'm questioning whether they think I'm lying/exaggerating about my need to cancel (my parents only believed I was ill if it suited them, and I NEVER missed a game, volunteer work, etc.). If someone cancels plans with me I tend to assume they were just trying to get out of it without hurting my feelings. I know life happens, but for me I have to convince myself that it's normal and not a catastrophe. Anyone relate?

I also don't want to seek excessive reassurance from people. But is there any way to be like; "So you actually still like me, right? You haven't had the curtain torn back and the illusion shattered?" without it being totally weird? I'm thinking not lol. Do other people feel this way? When I have these feelings I just want to hide. And if people are busy living their lives and don't reach out, it reinforces the "nobody likes me" thoughts. Which came straight from dear old Dad, suited him fine to have me be unpopular.

[Boat Babe]

Cordelia, this really rings a bell.

Dysfunctional families leave a trail of devastation in their wake. You describe my internal feelings to a tee. Most people who know me would be astonished that I feel like that, given that I am so gregarious and extraverted. I have some very good close friends, some stretching back 40 years now (wow) and a slew of other friends, aquaintances and fellow travellers but still struggle to feel likeable at times. The people pleaser is strong in me as a result.

Covid really hasn't helped either.

Sending lots of love Cordelia. You are a really strong and compassionate and wise contributor here btw and lots of people have greatly benefitted from you being in the world and on this forum. ❤️

[Happypants]

If only the support on this forum alone was enough to re-wire that programming x

For a long time i would think less of people who appeared to like me, and then feel guilty about it and ultimately back away because i felt so conflicted    With time i have managed more often than not to remind myself that I exist regardless of how they feel about me and that what really matters is whether i like them and how i feel in their company. Something that has helped me in the company of people i like is to have a mantra in my head that both replies directly to my father's previous hurtful comments and reminds me of who i am when in company - "I'm just fine as I am" - meaning that i accept the good and bad in myself and that i don't expect others to be perfect either.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both. 

Thank you for the kind words, Boat Babe. I have a perfectionist expectation from childhood still, that even though I can see some of the good I have done, it's never enough and I still feel one misstep is enough for people to justifiably discard me completely. It's absurd, but it's how we grew up. It helps a lot to put it into words.

Happypants, a mantra is a good idea. I think, "I'm lovable as I am. I'm loved as I am," will be mine.

[Hepatica]

I struggle with this as well. 

I was a very quiet, sensitive kid and my uNPD father had a preference for my sister who is extroverted and charismatic. I know I was told directly by my father that I was too this and too that.. generally too sensitive and backward. I couldn't change my personality to become gregarious and outgoing, so I felt he judged me my whole life.

As I grew up I became painfully aware of my quietness and shyness when I was in groups. Sometimes the feeling of judging myself is overwhelming and esp. when I'm in a group of really comfortable extroverts - and it is then that I think they probably don't like me. I've yearned to be more extroverted for years and lived in fear of people not liking me because i'm quiet. It must come directly from my father's rejection of the quiet person that I am.

In the past couple of years when I feel that painful rejection type feeling, I try to dig deep and honour the parts of me that are feeling uneasy, the shy, sensitive and introspective parts and stand by them. I think so much of this healing process from growing up in families like ours that undermine us and make us doubt our very soul essence is to learn to really believe in ourselves. All of the negative messages we got from our disordered family have to be understood and challenged.

I also find that it helps for me to decide if I actually like a person. Like it's ok for me to assess that, rather than wishing for them to like me. It makes it more balanced.

[Jolie40]

As an adult, I know I am exceptionally blessed with caring friendships.

rest assured your caring friends will take your word that child is sick
also, If you started missing many times, I would think a caring friend would be concerned & ck on you

[Sneezy]

Also disappointing people makes me feel really insecure.

It sounds like you were raised to be a people-pleaser.  The way it should work is that parents love and value their children simply because they are their children.  However, with PD parents, we are raised to believe that our value is based on pleasing our PD parent.  So if we make our parents happy, we are worth something, and if we don't . . . well, you can tell by the look you get that you are a great disappointment.

I would be willing to bet that many people on this forum are people-pleasers.  We are the list-makers, the perfectionists, the designated drivers, the responsible ones, the teacher's helpers, and the people who raise our hand and volunteer when no one else will.  And if it's something you *want* to do, that is fine.  But if you do it because you are afraid you aren't valued if you don't, that's where it becomes a problem.

I saw a therapist for a while who would look me straight in the eye and repeat "Sneezy, you are a good daughter.  You are doing a really good job helping your mother."  It was so hard for me to believe this, because I had been conditioned to think that if my mom wasn't happy, it was my fault. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I feel the same. I can only assume it comes from our parents treatment toward us when we are young and we still carry it with us. I actually still hear my mother's voice when I was a kid saying to me "nobody will ever like you, you are a zero, you sit around here all day and do nothing, you are never going to amount to anything." I still find it so appalling.       
               
I used to feel sorry for anyone who seemed to like me, and would be shocked when they called and asked me to do something with them.. I would think it was a sick joke. It never was though. I always assumed they would realize I am a loser and drop me. I have self sabotaged by not even making efforts with people, which I believe is common when you have NPD parents. I am healing and able to pull back on that now, but can sometimes find myself go back there again only if momentarily. I think it is part of a healing process and even being able to realize the dynamic is healthy because you can stop the programmed inner dialog and thought patterns.
       
I think it also helps to remember that none of that "stuff" belongs to you. You are enough just the way you are. You do not need to change or be fixed.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Wow, Cordelia, did you describe me!  I grew up in a very weird home and am just naturally clueless about things people learn as a child. 

And learning you are totally unacceptable and, in fact, disgusting, seems to have lifelong effects. ( Who knew?)   Being ostracized and hearing things like "Why would anyone want to be around *y o u*?"   It's the main thing I'm working with my trauma T about these days. 

I have close friends I've had for decades who tell me how much they value me and love me.  That can all get washed away in a minute if there's some unusual exchange that could possibly be interpreted to mean "Uh oh, they've finally had enough of you, Free."   

I usually try to work with myself when this stuff gets triggered.  But I sometimes share I'm having trouble with shame or that I easily imagine I'm being rejected bc of my childhood.  They all know about my growing up years.

One thing I'm realizing I was taught was that it was my responsibility to intuit if someone doesn't want to be around me and disappear myself so they don't have to be burdened with me.  So I'm challenging that now.  "I have a right to be present in this world and to express myself. . . even if someone doesn't like me or is bored or put off by me . . . I have a right to be here just as much as anyone else.  If they don't want to be around me, that's up to them to take care of.  It's not my responsibility."  Strangely, this seems to free me more than trying to convince myself I'm lovable.  Then when people show they do love and value me, it's icing on the cake.  Because I've given myself permission to engage fully anyway.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

For a long time i would think less of people who appeared to like me, and then feel guilty about it and ultimately back away because i felt so conflicted

Happypants - I felt this way for years. I never understood where it was coming from until just a few years ago. These patterns are shocking, but healing. Thanks for sharing.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I was a very quiet, sensitive kid and my uNPD father had a preference for my sister who is extroverted and charismatic....
All of the negative messages we got from our disordered family have to be understood and challenged... 
I also find that it helps for me to decide if I actually like a person. Like it's ok for me to assess that, rather than wishing for them to like me. It makes it more balanced. 

Hepatica - I felt this too. Being so very aware of my shyness growing up, I would literally be frozen silent in groups and feeling increasing anxiety to just say anything. I really like your statement about deciding if you like the other person and making it more balanced. Thank you.
   

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, you are all so helpful and reassuring, thank you!

Wow, Cordelia, did you describe me!  I grew up in a very weird home and am just naturally clueless about things people learn as a child. 

And learning you are totally unacceptable and, in fact, disgusting, seems to have lifelong effects. ( Who knew?)   Being ostracized and hearing things like "Why would anyone want to be around *y o u*?"   It's the main thing I'm working with my trauma T about these days. 

I have close friends I've had for decades who tell me how much they value me and love me.  That can all get washed away in a minute if there's some unusual exchange that could possibly be interpreted to mean "Uh oh, they've finally had enough of you, Free."   

I usually try to work with myself when this stuff gets triggered.  But I sometimes share I'm having trouble with shame or that I easily imagine I'm being rejected bc of my childhood.  They all know about my growing up years.

One thing I'm realizing I was taught was that it was my responsibility to intuit if someone doesn't want to be around me and disappear myself so they don't have to be burdened with me.  So I'm challenging that now.  "I have a right to be present in this world and to express myself. . . even if someone doesn't like me or is bored or put off by me . . . I have a right to be here just as much as anyone else.  If they don't want to be around me, that's up to them to take care of.  It's not my responsibility."  Strangely, this seems to free me more than trying to convince myself I'm lovable.  Then when people show they do love and value me, it's icing on the cake.  Because I've given myself permission to engage fully anyway.

Yes, all of that! Having a weird family makes you weird and ostracism is harmful, imagine! I have worked really hard to get where I am, too. Yes, it can all get washed away in an instant once something happens, that may not even have to do with me, that sends me into emotional flashback mode and once again I am the weird girl at school whom everybody laughed at. I have one friend who I can be honest with about what I'm dealing with at least.

And yes, the people pleaser thing. Being "compassionate and forgiving" (aka doormat like her) is the one thing I can remember my mother offering me praise for that felt at all genuine.

Also disappointing people makes me feel really insecure.

It sounds like you were raised to be a people-pleaser.  The way it should work is that parents love and value their children simply because they are their children.  However, with PD parents, we are raised to believe that our value is based on pleasing our PD parent.  So if we make our parents happy, we are worth something, and if we don't . . . well, you can tell by the look you get that you are a great disappointment.

I would be willing to bet that many people on this forum are people-pleasers.  We are the list-makers, the perfectionists, the designated drivers, the responsible ones, the teacher's helpers, and the people who raise our hand and volunteer when no one else will.  And if it's something you *want* to do, that is fine.  But if you do it because you are afraid you aren't valued if you don't, that's where it becomes a problem.
 

Yeah, I do bend over backwards to be generous to other people on a regular basis, expecting nothing in return. Sometimes it's genuine, and sometimes I just feel it's expected of me and if I don't I'm falling short. And fall short enough times, and yes, they'll have had enough of me and flush I'm gone again. It's crazy, I know. And yes, perfectionist.

Perfectionism is definitely a beast for me. It was the unattainable carrot of my parents' approval. I was that kid who got excellent grades, but they weren't pleased because the teacher didn't include enough positive commentary on the report card. I had to "do my best," and that's the line they fed those who dared say something about the pressure I was under, but they knew, and I knew, my best was better than just an A. I faced this kind of pressure in just about everything I did.

Back to socially, which is the point of this anyway, I'm still suffering dreadfully from that internalized critic. I was already weird and unpopular, and then puberty and braces and zits happened. My father's idea of helping me socially was to chaperone our dances, hiss, "Don't be so self-conscious!" at me, and then stare disapprovingly at me the entire time. I wanted to disappear. I still feel like that girl a lot. I feel that I can "fake it" now, but when I disappoint people that feels like my mask of "normal, likeable person," is slipping. How many strikes do I get before everybody figures it out and it's back to rejection like before? I'm afraid of that. I know that's not realistic but it was my reality for so much of my life, and it's so hard to realize that is no longer reality. I read in the Psalms this morning,

"Insults have broken my heart, so that I am in despair.
I looked for pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.
They gave me poison for food, and for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink."

I'm repeating myself. I think this is something I really need to grieve right now. I've been stressed a lot, and trying to power through because all the things that are stressing me I cannot control, and it's catching up to me. Time to look out for myself. I do have some girlfriend time scheduled for the weekend, and I almost bailed because of my emotions but I'm not going to.

And Jolie, you are so right about how a real friend will act. Of course I would respond that way to someone else! My friends deserve that same credit.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm never ever sure WHAT people think of me. Updh has told me I'm "embarrassing in public" and then conversely "people think I'm a b***ch". I was shy and nerdy in school, but my mother pasted a fake persona over me and told everyone how outgoing I was, because after all I was just a repeat of her. In private shè would berate me for not enough friends and no boyfriends, parties, or clubs (who DOES this????). She explained my extraordinary friends by saying I was "compassionate" and befriended the downtrodden kids. Nope, they were like me and were the only ones who would hang out with me. There weren't many of us, so often I would be alone and taunted. I had zero skills. Home was weird, where my natural traits were ignored and something more pleasing painted on. I had no idea how to even make that work. I was too loud, too awkward, didn't walk right, didn't do anything right.
I feel as though I still have zero social skills. Those who love me find me charming and amusing. Those who don't....well.....
I loathe crowds and parties. I can only "people" in very small doses, and it's exhausting to me. I can do children and animals forever, because they don't know better, but adults? Ugh. It has been long and long to learn to work with adults and not constantly be exhausted and overwhelmed.
I only really like my teeny circle of friends. Everybody else I can take or leave. One of my besties and I refer to us as "cat people". Not because we like cats (we do), but because we are cat-like in that way.

[candy]

I would be willing to bet that many people on this forum are people-pleasers.  We are the list-makers, the perfectionists, the designated drivers, the responsible ones, the teacher's helpers, and the people who raise our hand and volunteer when no one else will.  And if it's something you *want* to do, that is fine.  But if you do it because you are afraid you aren't valued if you don't, that's where it becomes a problem.

Sneezy is spot on.
You are probably a great friend, doing more and caring more than others (and the others who are doing less are in fact still likeable and lovable people!) but still feel insecure.

I can relate. My whole adolescence I thought no one at school liked me. I've been a smart ass girl wearing glasses which actually did not help.

To my PD parents life in general is competition. The ,,They don t like you, they are jealous" line truly rings a bell.
People are jealous bc you are smarter, more attractive, have the partner they adore...
Not once did I hear them say that someone would be happy for me, that anyone could feel different than begrudge me my achievements.
What a sad world to live in and to impose on one's children!

In my adult life the few times I changed jobs I have been astonished about work mates telling me they'll miss me, liked me professionally and as a person. When I doubt myself I try to remember these occassions.

People who would end a friendship because of a missed date when their friend is taking care of the kids would NOT be good friends. I assume you probably know that you wouldn't step back from a friendship in case it was vice versa?
From a purely objective point I also know. But like you I have to actively convince myself that a friend canceling an appointment is most likely just life happening and not my friend avoiding to spend time with me.

I bet you are a good friend and it is fun to spend time with you, CmC 

[chessman6500]

I think I have a hard time keeping friends because due to my moms control and the pandemic I have not been able to leave the house for extended periods over the last several months. No one online seems to want to make friends and I am not sure if this is due to the fact people's attention spans are as short as a thirty second music piece a composer would write or if people are just stressed out about the pandemic to the point where getting to know people seems like a chore for them and they do not want to bother with it.

I always wondered why I had trouble bonding with others growing up and why I've never had an SO. Its because of my abusive parents who kept their thumb on me most of my life up to this point.