Controlling behavior

[chessman6500]

Since I was a kid, my mom has exhibited controlling behavior towards me, but as I am getting older, forming my own identity, trying to spread my wings and become independent, the controlling behavior has become more exacerbated over time.

I have not been able to travel much of anywhere on my own without my mom acting stalkerish and telling me that strangers will kill me everywhere I go. I know this is hogwash. Because of this, I have never been able to go anywhere or have any life experiences of my own. I have generally always been at home under her thumb. I also have lost friends and have not been able to obtain a partner due to controlling behavior she exhibits when I try to hang out with friends. This causes most of them to run off and move on with their lives after they figure out just how crazy my mom is.

She does act nice at times, but it doesn't excuse her controlling behavior. She also controls other aspects of my life, like what sort of job I should have, what kind of friends I should have/see, she tries to spy on me when it comes to women I'm talking to, and she also has ramped up her control during COVID. I am worried her control will not cease even after we get past this pandemic.

Since this is all I have ever known, I have sadly gotten used to it, but I really shouldn't have. I should have left when I was a teenager when the control really started ramping up. Even now, I am scared to leave her because I know she will ramp up the control if I do so.

I want to make more friends and eventually find a caring partner. I want to live like an adult, and I don't feel like I am able to live like an adult under her control.

Another piece of control is my supposed diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. I firmly believe I am not autistic. My mom claims my dad is autistic, but I sincerely doubt this as well. I eerily get along well with Neurotypicals to the point where I am starting to doubt my AS diagnosis.

What a wild ride it has been so far.

[Medowynd]

Start making your plans to leave.  You can leave and not leave a note or a forwarding address.  If there is no way to contact you, your mother can ramp all that she wants, but you won't know about it.  Take steps to get your bills online only.  Rent a PO box or a box at the UPS store and forward your mail.  Don't wait to an extreme event as a reason to leave.  There are no excuses needed for an adult to leave his parent's home.

[Socialsunshine]

I have a very similar experience with my uBPM. Especially the being controlling about friends and "being nice sometimes"- that's the hard and confusing part- when they're nice sometimes bc it would make me doubt myself. I eventually did move out and found healthy relationships and it really really angered my mom. Like you, my mom's controlling behavior got worse the older I got bc I think she could sense I was becoming my own person and that threatened her and really triggered her fear of abandonment. I will say breaking away from her was hard. So hard. But I'm happily married now with 2 kids and many healthy friendships.

[Thru the Rain]

I had similar experiences with my uPDM and my enabling Dad.

I started college at 17 and because I wasn't yet 18, they had to sign and agree for me to live on campus. They refused to sign and so I lived at home. I realize looking back I could have transferred to another school at age 18, but like you it's so hard to break free.

I finally moved out at 21 and you would think there had been a death in the family. I was not allowed to test my wings gradually. Instead I got "don't call us if you get into trouble". And it was clear they wanted me to fail and come running back to them. I was determined to put up with ANYTHING rather than ask them for help.

They denied me so many normal rites of passage - going away to university, moving out with at least emotional support from my family. It makes me mad all over again to remember it.

You should make a plan to break away. Not sure how old you are, but you mention your teen years in the past tense - so you are certainly old enough to make your own way in the world and you don't need your M's permission. And like me, you'll probably have to do without your M's help or even in the face of active resistance from her.

And my M also would go through a love-bombing then discard phase with all my friends. And that went into overdrive when I brought my boyfriend (eventually my husband) to meet my parents.

Now I introduce absolutely no one to my parents. My M imagines I don't have any friends because she doesn't meet them. But I've learned the hard way that she doesn't act appropriately, and she's earned her place at the very outer edge of my life.

You can do this. It's normal to pull away from your parents and build your own life. Don't wait for permission that you're not likely to get, and don't inform you M in advance. Just plan and act.

[Spring Butterfly]

Regardless of your diagnosis rest assured you are allowed to go live your life and are quite capable of doing so. As to the manipulation and control that happens before or after that will be a challenge to manage your reaction to. Recognizing it as manipulation and attempts at control is a first step. Deciding not to be controlled is entirely up to you to decide. Their words have no power unless we grant them such power. There's a checklist section that applies to marriage that may be helpful for coming up with a plan
https://outofthefog.website/separating-and-divorcing

"Instead I got "don't call us if you get into trouble". And it was clear they wanted me to fail and come running back to them. I was determined to put up with ANYTHING rather than ask them for help."    I was *just* telling DH about this this morning! This was my send-off when I got married.

[Thru the Rain]

"Instead I got "don't call us if you get into trouble". And it was clear they wanted me to fail and come running back to them. I was determined to put up with ANYTHING rather than ask them for help."    I was *just* telling DH about this this morning! This was my send-off when I got married.

Amazing! It's like there's a manual out there for this behavior. I'm sad this happened to you too.

[Duck]

If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to pay no attention to my parents and live my life.

Since we depend on parents for survival when young, it can be hard to snap out of the mental patterns we develop growing up. It is hard to feel deep inside that parents no longer have the power they once had.

I actually consider it an evil act to deprive young people of their freedom. It is a crime on many levels - mental, emotional, developmental, as well as the theft of time the young person can't get back.

I agree with others who advise you to hatch a plan. The PO Box is a good idea. Do you have a driver's license? Do you know the bus routes where you are? Do you even have to stay in the city where you are? Let the hatching commence.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

The AS diagnosis could be a product of your mother's gaslighting.

I feel you. If I went back in time to my teens I would take the GED when I was 16, attend a community college for two years, then transfer to a four-year state college when I turned 18 so I could be financially independent and away from my parents.

Would have saved me a lot of grief.

I'd suggest focusing first and foremost on achieving financial independence if you aren't there already. Cold, hard cash is power.

If you've already achieved that, high tail it out of there and don't look back. There's plenty of time to reconnect if you feel like it once you've broken away decisively.

Welcome to the board! You have a lot of fellow travelers here.

[Wolf]

I can relate, my mom also tried to label me with Asperger Syndrome, and controlled me in every way imaginable until I decided to stop allowing it. You have to realize that you CAN do what you want, your mom only has the power over you that you allow her to have. You have to completely disregard all of her displays of emotion that she uses to manipulate you, and do what you want anyway. What's the worst that can happen? She throws a temper tantrum, or says she'll disown you? Tell her to fuck off and say good riddance. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to realize it's YOUR life, and your mom only controls it to the extent that you ALLOW it. You may be an adult man, but you don't have the mindset of one, you're acting like a little boy and waiting for your mother to give you permission to do what you want. Part of being a man (or an adult in general for that matter) is doing what you want without permission. No one is stopping you but yourself. I didn't want to accept this for a long time. I blamed my mom's controlling behavior for all of my problems, until I faced the reality that the problem was not just her, it was me allowing her emotional manipulation to dictate how I lived my life.  It was freeing to realize that I was the only one holding myself back.

[Drakus]

Mothers often take too much care of us, we need to let them know that they can't take care of us all their lives and control us.