Any experience with child services?

[Sadhubby]

Hi, has anyone had to bring in child services to your situation? I am based in UK but would value any experience.

My therapist has advised me that, if things continue the way they are, I may well have to get them involved.

[notrightinthehead]

It might help you with a custody battle, should it come to that. Have you tried an exploratory call to find out in what situations they would become involved?

[Sadhubby]

If I call them, my therapist is of the opinion that they will insist on getting involved. He also believes my wife should be made aware what her behaviour is risking. I'm asking for experience because, if I make the threat, i may well have to see it through given her past brinkmanship.

[GettingOOTF]

Do you have a plan to leave? If not and you involve CPS they can remove the child if they think the home situation is unsafe. My only experience is through a family member. They were already living separately from the other parent and the children were older than yours. It took a couple of years for the other parent to get supervised visitation and then regular visitation back. I won’t give details as it’s not my story to tell. This was in the UK.

This is something that generally is only suggested in extreme cases.  It was a wake up call to the “non” parent at how bad the situation was. They didn’t originally involve child services, someone else did.

That’s the extent of my experience. I’ve only read one person’s story here of their experience. I don’t think it’s that common as it’s something that happens in extreme cases. I have a lot of experience with PDs though. My experience is that they don’t change and abusers always escalate.

Edited to add in abusive situations the advice is not to tell the abuser your plans. In many cases it can be dangerous, even life threatening. I would tread very carefully here. My first call would be to a domestic violence line. You have no idea how your spouse will behave if you back her into a corner by threatening to have her child taken away, which is all she will hear if you tell her you are involving CPS. This can put the child at risk.

[Sadhubby]

Yes like everything with abusers, the answer is not at all clear.

I don't think they will take away the baby as she has not attacked him, nor would in my opinion. My understanding is that there would be a highly intensive observation period that could lead to her losing parental rights. I have no idea what would happen if go down that road and I'm very scared to do it.

The DV line may be a good start, thanks GettingOOTF.

[GettingOOTF]

I was in an abusive relationship for years. How I saw my exes behavior and the risk he posed to me was very different from how professionals saw them once they got involved. Those of us in these relationships tend to downplay the severity of the abuse and the dangers we are in.

CPS is a bell you cannot unring. It's not something I'd use as a stick to get her to change. I'm not saying this is what you are doing. Simply that you should not expect her to change, only to escalate.

I am surprised that your therapist would suggest involving them.  It opens you up to all kinds of risk both from her back lash and any manipulation of the system she's able to do.  I'm not sure what the UK rules are around mandatory reporters. Your therapist  must have serious concerns about what you describe to raise this as an option. Either that or they have no idea how these things work.

I'm sorry for your situation. I've read your threads and I was in a similar situation except we didn't have kids. If I had to do it over I'd reach out to a DV line for advice and I'd also leave sooner, but it's easy to say with hindsight.

Good luck and stay safe.

[11JB68]

I would also be sure that you are prepared to leave with your child. I'd be concerned that otherwise the child could be removed.

[thevoidglaredback]

Don't give her any warning and document everything before hand. If you let her know what you are doing she will make up stories and go to them first. My bpd ex was acting nuts while I was 6 hours away and I had to call the CAS on her. When they arrived she said I RAPED her and that's why she was acting crazy. You can guess what sort of shitstorm that caused.

[Sadhubby]

I have to write about something else and go to sleep so I just wanted to thank everybody who wrote with advice and support since my last post - it really means the world to me and I pray your recoveries are going well! I'm sorry you've been through so much.

[1footouttadefog]

So sorry to read that your family, with an infant is being impacted by mental illness in this way. 

Take care of yourself and stay strong it could get worse before getting better. 

[ShyTurtle]

In my experience here in Canada, my updxh was abusing our ds. The CAS really didn't do much, but they did support ds's decision to come live with me instead.