Update & need parenting advice

[capybara]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in months but I just want to say thank you again to everyone who has replied to my posts and supported me through the end of my marriage. These boards have been such a help. And to everyone who is working to separate, for me it was so hard but so absolutely worth it. BPDH moved out at the end of last year and I feel like I have myself and my life back. I can't tell you how freeing it is.

I haven't wanted to post much about the separation in case BPDH somehow finds my posts, but mostly he has alternated not moving forward and being super-cooperative. Now the rubber is hitting the road and the cooperation is dropping and he is pushing for more time with the kids.

Here is my issue: yesterday was part of my custody time. At bedtime I came into the bedroom of my 10yo, who was near tears. Apparently BPDH had messaged the kid and said BPDH was outside and ... I'm not sure. Wanted to say hi? Hoped the kid would see him? The kid had missed the message and was very upset. I asked why, and no answer. I asked, "Are you worried about hurting dad's feelings?" Yes, and a flood of tears.

After the kid was asleep I looked at the tablet and saw 3 unread messages from BPDH. I just couldn't bring myself to read them.

How should I handle this? I did remind the kid that when one parent has them, BPDH and I need to make a special arrangement to see the other parent, like on birthdays. But I'm more worried about the manipulation.

[notrightinthehead]

It might be difficult for your 10 year old to recognize manipulation. If it was my kid, I would plant the seeds of doubt.

One year out was not long enough for me to read my NPDh's messages without being in emotional turmoil. Now, three years later, I am almost there. I understand why you find it difficult to read the messages. Could you have a trusted friend on speed dial when you finally decide to do it? It might be better to know what he says to kid, than to suspect and feel frightened.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, I am sorry that your stbx is doing this to your son! This is really terrible and what's even more sad for your son is that he is always going to have a dad who chooses to manipulate him.

Fortunately, he also has you! It says great things that your son could come to you with his feelings.

You can't save him from his dad's bad actions, but you can help him through them and like notright said, plant the seeds.

My formula for it is to name the feeling, which you did, and then help them get through the feeling, by holding them when they cry or soothing them or whatever works with the specific child.

Then after that once they are calm, you can sort of talk them through it rationally. Explain that dad should understand that kid isn't on device 24/7. Maybe even (depending on the kid) something about how dad might be disappointed, but that is not your son's fault (thus laying the groundwork for teaching them that they are not responsible for their dad's emotions, even if their dad thinks otherwise). Basically talk through the situation. In this case you might even say something about how all the adults are figuring out this new normal and hopefully once things settle down, something like this won't arise again.

It might be helpful to send your stbx a note to remind him of proper boundaries, like, he can't come to your house without your permission. If he's like my husband's ex, he won't listen. She stopped by for years, ostensibly "for the kids" but really just to harass us. The only thing that put a stop to it was getting a security camera - she hasn't appeared outside of pickups since then.

I'm not totally sure that you HAVE to read the messages. The lines of communication with your son are open and he's letting you know what he needs from you. The only reason you'd really need to see them is if your ex is like, trying to get your son to run away from your home or something.

Again I'm so sorry your son is dealing with this, and I'm so glad he has you to help him!