Anxiety and fear

[Amadahy]

Sort of a "duh" moment, but I plead trauma brain.

In March, we became aware of COVID-19.  I soon thereafter quit a job that I liked but that couldn't provide protective gear necessary for safety. My Nmom began a physical and cognitive decline that led to long-term care in May.  My much-loved and helpful therapist moved out of the area.  This whole time I've had unrelenting anxiety, fear and shame.  It's been debilitating!  I've attributed most of my angst to collective worry and difficulty with the virus, but really, it's due to any and all contact with my Nmom.

I tried so hard to abide by her wishes to remain semi-independent (with me doing a sh*tload of errands, etc) and let her be on her own as long as possible.  I have compassion for her, even as she thinks little to nothing of me.  However, after a number of falls and ER visits, it became apparent that long-term care was the best option.  She receives excellent care -- so excellent in fact, that she has improved greatly and thinks she can now find an apartment and be on her own again.  This is a horrible idea and I won't participate.  Tonight, she says the head of physical therapy is going to help her find an apartment and arrange home health.  If this is true, I'm beside myself with worry and fear .... she is not able to be on her own and I am not able to be helpful at all, now.  I work full-time again at a demanding job, have C-PTSD, have children still at home and just can't hold up to the errands and being on call.  It has been so wonderful that she receives appropriate care and that I am not responsible.  I understand the desire for independence and still feel compassion, but when she talks like this I get that tightness in my stomach that you all know too well.  I know that this is probably all conjecture on her part, but it still unnerves me!

I also know I've been here venting before and I get aggravated with myself!  I wish I had gone NC as a young adult and stayed that way, but I won't go NC now with her facing the challenges of aging.  I really just want to finally live for myself and experience a level of ease and carefree-ness that I've never known. I didn't get to enjoy the things young people enjoy -- dating, fun things, trips, etc without feeling guilt or shame.  I have never known being anything but being burdened by my Nmom. 

I had hoped the long-term care would help me relax and heal a bit, but I just remain on edge, waiting for her to melt down or tell me she's found a way to move out or something crazy.  I am her POA and I take that responsibility seriously -- I try to think of solutions that are for her best interest, but it's draining the crap out of me.

I am extremely thankful that the facility is an excellent one.  They all love her and, as I said, she has received the very best of care. I think part of me thinks it's all too good to be true and it will all fall apart.  I know, rationally, that this is not my responsibility, but if she messed up her opportunity for care there, she'd be in a real pickle ... and I'd feel responsible to help, somehow. 

Is it awful that I want so much to be free of her?  At the same time, I grieve so much that we can't bridge an unbridgeable gap. 

Just venting, friends.  I'd appreciate all good thoughts as this is tremendously challenging.

[Iguanagos]

Hi Amadahy,
Big hug.   

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  I so understand the exhausting feeling of carrying the weight of a PD mother through life. 

What a shame that your help getting her the care that she needs has improved her so much that she thinks she should leave!  Of course, she's not truly independent.  She's only "independent" because you prop her up and provide so much help.  She has an "illusion of independence", not actual independence.

I have never known being anything but being burdened by my Nmom. 

This really struck me.  You deserve so much better.  You have just this one life.  She's taking so much of your life, every day, right now.  Each day you waste hours worrying about her or helping her out of her latest jam, is one day less for you and your own family.  You won't get that day back.

I just recently referred to my N/BPD mother in similar terms – she's like a tax I've paid all my life, a drain on my mental, physical, and financial resources, but mostly, she's absolutely drained my spirit.  And she's never given me anything in return, except a birthday check.  No encouragement, no support, no caring, no validating....etc.  As long as she's around, she's occupying real estate in my head. And I too am exhausted.

I have run myself ragged trying to help her, and so I totally get how yours has drained the crap out of you.  I feel it, tonight quite viscerally.

I am saying this as much for you as for me – instead of telling yourself you would feel responsible for helping her get out of whatever mess she creates by leaving where she is, can you tell her you won't be able to do that?  That if she screws up the good thing she has, she will be on her own, that your plate of responsibilities is full?  I am getting ready to have to say that to my own mom, for similar reasons. At least then she's been warned.  Even if you do decide to help in some way down the road, you can decide what that help looks like.  She doesn't get to define the level of involvement you will give, you do.

Arrrgggghhh....They are like endless black holes of need.  Wishing you peace of mind as you get through this.

[Hepatica]

I work full-time again at a demanding job, have C-PTSD, have children still at home and just can't hold up to the errands and being on call.

Ugh. No wonder you are upset. You finally got some space from her and now it could go back to where it was. Totally understand the need to vent.

This woman is getting too much free rent in your precious soul and mind. She has drained you for years. I wonder if her talk about moving out is her way to get to you? You really don't need that. She is fine where she is. If she decides to move out then you should make some big decisions about revisiting your honourable feelings about being there for her, in her old age. However that looks. It doesn't have to be NC but some form of it perhaps. I think what you said about not participating sounds very strong and this is what you need right now.

It is time to really stand by yourself. You deserve self-care. She is a grown up and she will be fine. None of her issues are your issues. Time to really begin to see where this separation between you and her lies.

You need to rest, recoup and heal your C-PTSD. Put the oxygen mask on yourself and keep it there, because, if she is taking your oxygen mask as well as her own, this is really bad.

I know it feels and appears to others that we are being selfish, but self-care is not selfish. It is an act of rescue of your soul. Time to find your joys, your passions, your ways to feeling good about your life. This means setting your focus less on her and more on you. It's ok. We should not be forced to be caregivers for the folks that created our PTSD.

Can you try to work on backing away slowly, reducing contact and giving yourself some pep talks that it is not only ok for you to have the life you've always wanted, it is the best choice you can make for yourself and your own family?

[Amadahy]

Thank you, Iguanagos and Hepatica, for caring and thoughtful replies.  I wrote this post when I was severely triggered and regressed.  Reading it now, I have such empathy for the scared child that I see panicking.  Your sweet responses and a bit of time gone by have helped tremendously.  When I'm triggered, I feel so young and helpless, but I am not.  And, I know from my own work with long term care patients in a former job, that they always make plans to "go home," which is understandable and predictable and sad.  Hearing it from her, because of our past, put me on high alert!  When she's at her "best," she is conniving, cunning and able to make things happen -- but actually, without my participation, that ends now.  So, there is some guilt, but geez-oh-pete, that's silly, because I know within a week or two of "being on her own" she'd be right back in the ER (or worse) and this whole thing would start again. 

Thanks, again, for taking time to respond. It means the world.  Wishing us all peace and tenderness this season of Light.  xoxo

[SunnyMeadow]

Amadahy, it's not awful at all to want to be free of her. I feel this way everyday and posted here asking if I was terrible to feel like this. I had many messages that I'm not alone in my feelings. So you aren't alone either! 

I also wish I had gone NC as a young adult. One of my siblings did and thankfully this sibling is free. I wish I had been that strong.

Take care of yourself. You only get one life and it's a shame she takes up so much of you. I know how hard this is, my uPDmother has and still does consume so much space in my life and head. I hate it.

[Amadahy]

Thank you, Sunnymeadow!  I hate that you can understand from your own experience.

Today has been hard. Nmom had facility staff Google duo me and sis, unannounced - and I always need mental prep time for that. I could have not answered, but I did.  Sis was annoyed, too, but I'm especially drained and triggered now. I had planned lots of writing time, but took a nap instead. When I awakened, nmom had tried to call!  She left a breathless, anxious message and now I'm again anxious myself. 

It's such a difficult place to be, as you know. I am not without compassion to her situation, but she absolutely drains my peace and replaces it with fear, shame and heaviness that I can't even name.

Hugs, all.  Thank you.