Looking for encouragement!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Finally  some good news... I found a house for me and the kids! I thought it was impossible, but I've done it. I'm getting the keys next week.

I'm in shock, and experiencing so many different emotions. I'm excited for our new house, our new life away from pdH. I can't believe it. I'm feeling a little sad about leaving our old house. I'm worried about telling the kids (they are very young, both under 5) and how they will react.

Also, I'm worried about telling pdH, and about how he will react. He threatened suicide last time I left, so that is a worry. I hate leaving like this- I will pack and leave while he is at work, so he will come home to an empty house. It feels horrible, but I don't have a choice. PdH has been so unpredictable in the past, and has flown into rages. I couldn't do this any other way.

So anyway.. good news. Mixed emotions, but lots of positive feelings too. I'd love any encouraging stories from anyone who has left a pd and experienced life on the other side! Also any advice on getting through this stressful transition period would be welcome.

Thank you!

[Boat Babe]

Hiya caged bird singing. First of all, good news about the house. That's just wonderful.

Advice in transition. You know to be really really careful at this stage. Change nothing in your manner, behaviour etc. Give yourself more than enough time to get out. Have a fallback plan. STAY SAFE my dear.

As to the children, you are doing the very best thing for them by leaving. I am not minimising the kids' feelings here but they are pretty easy to manage at that age regarding this sort of thing. Again, get as much back up as you can to support YOU so you can look after your babies.

We are so rooting for you.

[SunComingUp]

Sending all the encouragement your way! My stbx always became suicidal when talks of leaving surfaced, and it prevented me from leaving for many years. The night that I did leave, I left while she was away and she came home to an empty house. A few hours later she was admitted to the ER for suicidal ideation and spent three weeks in a psych ward immediately after. But she did not harm herself and is with us over a year later. Struggling for sure, but it was the best decision I could have made. The hardest, as well, but the absolute best. You will get through this and brighter days are ahead.

[Joga]

Cagedbird, that's awesome!! Good luck with the move. I have littles too (oldest just turned 7) and I'm worried too about telling them when we are ready to move but ultimately your babies will be better off in a stable calm house.

[Stillirise]

Congratulations on your new place!!  You are making a difficult decision, which you based on much consideration for your own well-being, and for that of your children.  It's not easy, but try to put his reaction out of your mind, as much as possible—except for your safety considerations.  His reaction isn't your responsibility.   

I also wanted to give you the encouragement that your children will be ok. They may do even better than you expect them to.  My children are a little older, but the sense of peace we have in our home has made a tremendous difference for them.  I also think that they are having better quality time with their F on his EO weekend visits, than when they saw him every day.  We are still trying to get divorced, so things are still a little unsettled. Overall, though, I'm so thankful to not be in the same house with stbxUPDh, and I suspect it's likely the kids are, too.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

What wonderful news!  I'm so happy for you and the kids!

I've done this twice over the decades, the first time with youngish kids.  It's an emotional time, but handling our fleas was a lot more doable & hopeful than continuing in a terrible situation.  My one child no longer lived with a parent who was constantly scapegoating him.  He really thrived in the years after compared to when his dad & I were together.   

Dad's GC was upset for awhile, but later told me it actually worked out better for him after we divorced. He's told me repeatedly that he appreciates his upbringing with me. Both of them have.  And they are both good-hearted adults who know how to communicate.  We all have our issues,  but they do not have a PD and are willing and able to work through things.

I also had the suicide threat scenario.  When that's happened, I've called the police for a well check.  They decide whether or not he needs hospitalization.  I've gotten to where I just hand that off quickly like a hot potato if it sounds serious, or ignore it if it doesn't.  I'm not going to allow myself to be taken hostage by that like what happened when I was young.  Anyone who is suicidal needs professional help . . . and that's not me.

So glad the door has opened for you!  There's support out there for single parents.  And we're here for you, too!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone, you are so kind.
I have had a wobbly couple of days, just feeling very emotional and scared about if I am making the right decision. Your messages have really helped.

I don't know why this happens whenever I leave; straight away, I am overwhelmed by beautiful, happy memories of things like our wedding day and the births of my children, and I just want to cry my eyes out (face masks are a great disguise for my tearful face the last few days!!) I have to push those memories aside and focus on the reasons why I am leaving: his constant mood swings, the lies and manipulation, the gaslighting, silent treatment, the way that he has a long history of falling out with people and cutting them out of his life. Regardless of how he treats me, how he will treat the children in the future is a complete unknown - and his past history would suggest that I have reason to be very, very concerned. I couldn't stand to see them being hurt by their pd dad, and being pushed away from home because of it. That would mean I'd lose them too.

My children need a refuge. A safe, calm space. And I need that too. It's hard in some ways because he is not as bad as a lot of the pds on here - no alcohol or drug abuse, no infidelity, no physical violence.. but it's just the psychological stuff, the way he can change the atmosphere in the house and has me walking on egg shells. It's been going on so long it has become 'normal' for me. That's the problem.
I just need to try and stay strong and go through with this. It's so close to Christmas and that's making it hard for me too. I am thinking of signing the lease, then spending the next few weeks getting the place ready, then moving in January. I need to be gentle with myself here. I'm an emotional mess, sorry.

[Boat Babe]

You're not an emotional mess. Leaving a spouse is never easy. I left my first husband who wasn't disordered at all because my feelings had changed. I felt guilty and awful but I had to do it because I didn't see myself living with him till death do us part. Leaving a disordered spouse and you get that on steroids because of trauma bonding and the effects on YOU of gaslighting/walking in on eggshells/ projection and the whole psychological nine yards.

Hang on in there.