NC six years but her health is failing now...

[zak]

My uNPD mother is almost 89, lives alone, has very advanced dementia and refuses to go into AI. Her Guardians are my uNPD brother and another brother who both seem incapable of making any decisions in her best interests, and who live 400 and 250 miles away. Her situation has become dire, even though she has community services such as Meals-on-Wheels and a Case Worker. She is wandering and a few days ago turned up at her local fire station asking them to find her mobile phone. I have been recommending that she is medically assessed in hospital so the full extent of her issues can be explored. She also refuses to see doctors.

I have been NC for six years for all the usual reasons and have never regretted it. Being the family SG, it finally became a choice to save myself rather than continue living with abuse from uNPD mother and brother. My difficulty now is that I live nearest her and these mini crisis events are occurring much more frequently and she needs help. I don't want to break NC as I reconciled myself to never seeing her again six years ago and am at peace with that.

Right now though I feel like a bad person for being NC when she is clearly struggling. I like to think of myself as a compassionate person and it doesn't sit well to know she is neglected; yet I feel absolute dread at getting involved again. I think the best answer is for her Guardians to have the courage to make the right decisions and implement them to get her into AI but it seems they don't want the confrontation and are basically OK to wait for a major crisis to occur such as an illness or a fall.

I don't know what to do for the best right now. It's on my mind continually one way or another.

[SunnyMeadow]

What a stressful time for you whole hearted. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I would feel the same way as you do. I'd hate to know that an elderly person is struggling. In this situation I'd ask my 2 brothers to step the F up and handle things better as her GUARDIANS! There are two of them and they are doing a terrible job as guardians. If they don't want the responsibility perhaps they should find someone else  competent enough to do the job.

Since you're NC I wouldn't get involved with her at all. Keep your protective distance. That dread you're feeling is your instinct and body trying to protect you. Please listen to it!

Who is telling you that she's wandering and turned up at the fire dept.? I think ultimately it's in their hands. I'd share my concerns then whatever it is, it is.

[zak]

Thanks SunnyMeadow, yes both brothers know my opinion. I'm NC with the uNPD brother but am close to the other and I asked him this week "How bad does it have to get before you do the right thing here ?". My view is one is highly co-dependent and the other scared of them both...
The wandering news came via a niece who lives near me, she contacted me as uNPD brother dumped this weeks crisis onto his young daughter to fix rather than make the journey himself. She works and has a toddler and is still 2 hours away, so she reached out because she was overwhelmed by his demand to drop everything and run.
Your advice not to go down the rabbit hole is good and I really needed to hear it. I have 'done something' in urging the brothers to be responsible. I think my childhood rescuing response is highly triggered here and that's the main problem. Everyone who has the power here, including her, are not making the right choices and decisions. Sadly as it is, you're right; it is what it is.

[Jolie40]

some elderly want to remain as independent as long as possible & beyond irregardless of safety
I know of an elderly person who went homeless rather than accept help

I've read "they're adults & you still have to treat them like adults"
it's frustrating to know one might have to stand back & let a crisis occur
then medical professionals can evaluate & tell them they can't go back home

[zak]

Thanks  Jolie40, your quote  "they're adults & you still have to treat them like adults" really resonated. Plus I have no power here to force anything, I think my only power is in letting go. Both Guardians and my mother are making their own decisions. I guess I knew all of this, but it's incredibly helpful to hear it from understanding others.

[Outsiderchild]

I think you might be in that hard, hard place where you are going to have to let that crisis occur.  If she is already wandering, she probably needs  a memory care facility and will not be accepted into an ALF.  The time for that solution has passed.   This isn't anything that you can or even should "fix."  "Fixing" it will delay her getting the real help and care she needs at the cost of your own mental and physical health.  You are not being a neglectful daughter by letting your brothers deal with this.  They are choosing to ignore this because they want someone, anyone else to do these hard things.  Even to the point of dumping it on their own children!

The next steps are not easy or fun, but it is their job, not yours.  None of this is a surprise, she is not the first person to deteriorate in old age.  There is a huge industry filled with professionals to guide your brothers through this process.  Just because they "don't wanna" isn't a good enough reason for you to break NC. 

Since we have lost our beautiful Woman Interrupted, perhaps reading through her posts as she made this journey will be helpful.  Be at peace with your decision to go NC. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry you're going through this Whole Hearted.  It's a terribly hard situation.

I'm not sure what country you're in.  In the U.S. there are state agencies like Adult Protective Services who can be called to assess a person, even against their will.  My understanding is they keep the name of the family member who called confidential.  So your brothers could let APS be the "bad guy" who forces her into a care home.  Or even the niece . . . anyone who has some knowledge of the situation and believes she should be assessed.  it's not necessary to wait for her to feel ready to go get seen. 

I hope you get some resolution soon, or at least some peace of mind . . .

[lkdrymom]

Remember there is a reason you are NC. And I am sure that situation has not changed.  So stay NC.  Another poster was right....she is an adult and gets to make her own choices....even bad ones.  Do you seriously think it will be different THIS TIME?

[lkdrymom]

I think you might be in that hard, hard place where you are going to have to let that crisis occur.  If she is already wandering, she probably needs  a memory care facility and will not be accepted into an ALF.  The time for that solution has passed.   This isn't anything that you can or even should "fix."  "Fixing" it will delay her getting the real help and care she needs at the cost of your own mental and physical health.  You are not being a neglectful daughter by letting your brothers deal with this.  They are choosing to ignore this because they want someone, anyone else to do these hard things.  Even to the point of dumping it on their own children!

The next steps are not easy or fun, but it is their job, not yours.  None of this is a surprise, she is not the first person to deteriorate in old age.  There is a huge industry filled with professionals to guide your brothers through this process.  Just because they "don't wanna" isn't a good enough reason for you to break NC. 

Since we have lost our beautiful Woman Interrupted, perhaps reading through her posts as she made this journey will be helpful.  Be at peace with your decision to go NC.

What happened to Woman Interrupted?

[SunnyMeadow]

What happened to Woman Interrupted?

I'm sorry to say she passed away in October. There's a post by her husband in The Cafe section of the forum.

[Lillith65]

This is a post from Woman Interrupted to a member with a similar problem:

"

Your other sibs shunted her back your way?  THEY can see to her needs and order stuff for her, while you *malfunction* and stay OUT of it.   

Yes - you can extricate yourself from this situation and all the triangulation by not visiting and fobbing her personal needs off on others by leaving voice mails or sending links, but other than that, doing *absolutely nothing for your mother.*

Make yourself as remote as the summit of Everest.  Or you're on a journey to Mars that takes 5 years, and the coms are spotty, at best.  Or you're in a remote part of the world that has no cell service.

Others WILL fill the void - let them do it, and leave you OUT of it.   

Just because they dumped her in your neck of the woods, doesn't mean you are in any way, shape or form *responsible* for your mom and her needs.

If you step out of the picture - and maybe even block her number, plus the numbers of anybody trying to fob her onto you - your FOO is probably going to have a minor implosion, but a necessary one because *you are not the drudge and workhorse* and now somebody else will have to fill that role.

Let 'em, and stay *out* of the round-robin of PD/elderly mother Hot Potato.

I'm an only - and worse, an adopted only, so it was strongly implied all my life that I was unBPD  Didi and unNPD Ray's Old Age Golden Parachute Plan. 

Instead, I stepped out of the picture and did absolutely nothing but let things unfold organically.   Others not related to me (gaaaaaasp!) filled those voids, and Didi did NOT get a hospital bed in our living room, which she desperately wanted, and Ray didn't get a personal slave, to wait on him at his.

They got exactly what they gave me, all my life:  nothing.

I didn't do it as a retaliatory measure, but a *protective* one.   

I hope you consider doing the same, to protect yourself - let others fill the void and if anybody acts as a FMM and says, "She didn't want to bother you..." - DON'T BOTHER AT ALL.  "

[SunnyMeadow]

Lillith65 - thanks for posting WI's advice, that's a good post!

[zak]

Lord, reading that post from Woman Interrupted !! Didn't she have such a way to get into the heart of things with such humour and warmth. Rest In Peace dear friend.

And, thanks everyone else for your kindness and time in getting back to me. I'm always grateful and feel held a in warm circle of wisdom and trust.

I especially value your recognition that this is not easy. NC is not a silver bullet is it. It's just the safer option in many many ways. It doesn't stop you being concerned and caring nor does it make you 'less than' or selfish as some FOO might tell you. It's a hard option, only taken usually after decades of abuse and sacrifice of your own mental health on the altar of their PD. And yet even now; it wouldn't be safe to break NC, so thank you again for reminding me.