It Finally happened my NPD mom passed and basically disinherited me

[Ariel]

My mom recently passed away after battling cancer for over a year. I had tried to be there for her and her tried to have her realize that I was a good daughter and a good person by initially being here for my father with Alzheimer's  and my mother. I was awarded by being yelled at ,cut down, told I was ungrateful selfish, cold, that my husband and kids did not love me. Over a year ago she said so many vile things to me and finally cut me to the core and I knew if I didn't leave I have nothing left of me.
  Although I said I would have not have anything to do with her, I did write her letters , caller for birthday ,Christmas ,father's birthday. I sent a Christmas gift from "WINE and Country", it was just a fruit basket  but was told I don't drink wine. Although there was no wine in it no thanks nothing. I was constantly put down. When my father died my sister lied to me and told me that he would be getting better and will be leaving the hospital soon although he was brain dead. I was put down for not going to their house which was 300 miles away during Covid. I told her I would come to see her if she needs me but  she told me not to come. She had sent me a voicemail tell me that my sister was trying to take everything and leave nothingFor anyone else. That she just wanted everything and wanted it all. I finally went to see her in the hospital and my sister was there the whole time putting me down. However my mother put my face in her hands and tolf me that she loved me and kiss me all over.
When my mother passed again my sister did not want anyone to tell me but my niece and nephew told me. I arranged a funeral for her as my sister wanted to wait and I didn't want to because afraid of Covid which at the church is down. When I asked about the will my sister told me that the estate  was divided 80% for her and 20% for me.
Well it is a very sizable state and the money would always be helpful, it was not the money but the ultimate rejection. I do believe my sister manipulated my mother and I do believe she coerced her.However, the hurt comes when you know  your mother will ultimately give you the final rejection from her grave.
I'm so angry at her for rejecting me again. I'm also so hurt. My nieces and nephews have nothing to do with their mother she is also a narc but not covert. She is plain evil,
How do you do that to your sister? How could a mother do that to her daughter? She had to know I would be hurt. How could she hold me and tell me she loved me when she knew she betrayed me. It's like all my suspicions that she didn't love me were true. I was hoping for a final I'm sorry I  really love you would happen that She would say she loved me, I didn't know if I should believe her at the time. But I know now it wasn't real,
Trying to process this and finally be free.
I'm going to try and challenge the will. My mom was on chemo. I don't know what to believe. Feel like I'm falling into a dark hole but managing to keep my head above water.
I have a husband and adult children who love me and good friends. Why is that not enough?
Thanks for  letting me vent. Maybe some  day I be healthy enough that I won't need to post here.

[Duck]

I am very sorry to hear this. You deserve better. It is clear your sister makes no sense based solely on wanting to hide your mother's death from you. I don't think that is something that can be hidden. That is a level of strange I don't understand. I am sending you a huge hug. Does your sister even know for sure how the estate is divided? Could she be lying?

[Ariel]

Duck, she said she has the will. She lived with my mom in my mother's last months. She changed the locks so i can't get in the house.
My sister was a tortured soul she did what she thought my mother approved of , married for money 2 times and is extremely unhappy. She is a erotic and abused prescription drugs. But she still had her wits and is extremely manipulative and selfish

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry, Ariel.  I am glad your mother took your face in her hands and told you she loved you.  She may have been manipulated by your sister into an unfair distribution of assets without even knowing it.  Perhaps you can contest the will, if it truly is as sis says.  In any case, I am sorry for your hurt and wish you peace and healing. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry Ariel. That's so much to go through. I don't blame you for wanting to challenge the will.

To have a mother betray a child has got to be one of the biggest betrayals. It's no wonder you feel like you do. Please keep posting if you need more support. Sadly people in our real lives just don't get all the feelings associated with having a NPD parent.

[GettingOOTF]

I am sorry. I have always thought that doing things like this in a will is the cruelest thing a parent can do. This is the last thing they will say to their child and they chose to say something hateful.

I know it's also frustrating and disappointing about the money.

You are supported here. I don't have experience with this exactly but I know what it's like to be treated differently from my siblings. It's a horrible feeling when people go out of their way to treat you like you are less than. You are not less than though. I hope you can find sole comfort and support here.

[Danden]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My mother and sister also worked together to disinherit me.  It is extremely hurtful and a deep betrayal. They did things in such a way that they thought I would not find out about it, but I did.  It appears that they, and even their lawyer, thought there would be nothing I could do, even if I found out, and I would just have to live with it.  Well, they were wrong and in the end I was able to claim what was rightfully mine, although it was not my "fair" share, but it is just as well that I am free of them now. 

My advice is to keep your wits about you and fight for your rights.  I think that may help you feel better.  It did for me.  You can only do what you can do, and the rest of it you have to let it go.  But once you have done all you can do, you can be at peace with yourself.  I suggest you read the will for yourself, don't just take your sister's word for it.  Since, as you say, the estate is sizable, you should also determine if there were other assets that were in vehicles that go outside the will, such as retirement accounts, life insurance, stocks, trusts, etc.  I think you could probably hire a private investigator to identify these assets, and as an heir you would have the legal right to do so.  I believe they do it through the deceased's social security number and tax returns.

This is very painful and I am sorry you are going through this.  I wish you peace and healing.

[poetandpunk]

Hi Ariel,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can imagine it's so hard to manage the feelings of confused grief and then also the complications of the will.

Here's my perspective to take with a grain of salt!

My dad has threatened the same thing a few times in the last year. He's said he wants to write me out of the will. He said to my brother in the hope that it would get back to me, as my brother and I were in contact briefly last year. We're not any longer. In fact I am NC with my whole family, sadly.

To be honest I almost laughed to myself. My husband and I are in a very tight financial situation but I wouldn't take money from my family at this point in our lives. It's just playing into their weird power plays and control.

It's REALLY hard, but detaching from any kind of dependence or expectation of my parents (emotionally, financial, etc) has been an instrumental part of my healing. You are completely within your rights to want your inheritance - it's a normal desire - so I am not judging you or telling you how to feel. But I do want to encourage you that you can trust that your life will be totally fine without the money. In fact I bet something better will come along anyway to help your financial situation.  I know people fight for and fight over things like wills all the time but it may be keeping you unnecessarily connected to your family in a way that is more hurtful than the financial benefit. I could be wrong of course, just an opinion.

Either way I hope you find peace of mind and a happy way forward through the dysfunction and frustration.

[Hilltop]

Sorry you have to go through that.  I am expecting my parents to disinherit me as their final FU to me. 

I would want to look at the will myself before I believed your sister.  If it is as your sister says when was the will put in place.  If it was recently and your mother was drugged up during her treatment I would get legal advice especially if the old will has you added in it.

People often think its about the money but its really not, its about the rejection.

[Ariel]

Thanks for the support. I finally had the strength to even post this here. Really the rejection is everything. My sister is such a  turd that she treats her own children miserably, is cheating on her husband and has no friends. So for her to get rewarded when I treat people so much better and treated my parents really good😥
It's just maddening and sad

[Maxtrem]

In my PD family there is an unhealthy obsession with inheritance, I thought it was only in mine, but maybe it's a common trait. In my family, it goes back a long way, my great grandfather (a sociopath) had split his inheritance into shares and left more shares to some and nothing to others. Even after his death he had found a way to still hurt his children. His children hated him for this and perhaps it was more rejection than money that affected them. I wonder how anyone could be so awful and leave such a bitter memory after his death!   

[Ariel]

My mother made my grandfather give all his money to her before he died. He lived with us and she would constantly yell at him and tell him to give it to her that she was there and no one else was and to give it to her. His other children, her half fathers and sisters, did come but she always makes him feel unwelcome. I remember her yelling at him every day badgering him and he finally gave it all to her. And here's their twist! She was sued by her half brothers and sisters and she lost and how to give it back. I saw this. I guess my sister did too. I tried to confront her once about that and say why did she do that and she denied ever happened.

My fathers brothers made up a will  for their rich brother snd mother who died, my fathers sued them and won.

All the hard ache all the bad feelings all this cost and nobody learned. Maybe it is hereditary.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Your feelings of betrayal are valid and I am sorry. It seems such maneuvering around estates is somewhat common in dysfunctional people.  I am not entirely surprised that you mention your mother did this with her own father and step-siblings. Your sister indeed was noticing. It becomes normal behavior and those making the offenses think nothing of it.  I know my own Golden Child sibling has already gotten our parents to re-write their will. A few months ago my dad put me on notice that he was working with a lawyer to disown me since my dad did not like my attitude toward my sister. It is beyond hurtful to experience such betrayal especially when it is the last action our parent leaves us with. 
       
Contest the will as you deem appropriate. In the process, please know that your worth and value in this world has nothing to do with how your "family" is treating you.