What do you do when you feel guilty and sad?

[Sidney37]

So it's been two  years since I've seen my parents and a year of NC.  Between it being a holiday, my kids watching a movie that they had watched frequently with my enD many years ago, seeing the light at the end of the COVID tunnel and one of my kids finding an old memory card with videos and pictures of them on vacations that included my parents, I'm feeling sad and guilty.  I know that nothing will be anywhere close to normal if I would initiate contact.  I don't plan to.  I know the verbal abuse and manipulation would continue if not right away, eventually.  What do you do on days like these not to feel guilty or sad?

[moglow]

I can't feel guilty, knowing what I went through, that I gave that relationship all I could. If I were willing to roll over and just swallow whatever mother dished out, all would be right to her.

The sadness is tougher. Easter was big with mothers family when we were growing up, or at least when we were little. Later on we were isolated from her family, I guess so they wouldn't see the realities of our life with her. I'm pretty sure they knew, and she didnt improve with age. Pretty sure they figured that out too.

I try to think it all the way through as you seem to be doing - realizing the only thing that's changed is me. I have to build a life without her in it, not even on the fringes. Some mothers have a way of whittling away at whatever they can reach, and honestly I think you'll be better without that.

Reach out and build better relationship with your children than she had with hers/you. You know what wrong looks and feels like - make yours right. Make sure they don't doubt you or themselves, and are free to be who they are. Look at them, listen to them - and learn to laugh more. I don't doubt for a minute that you have that and more, just waiting to come out and play. Do it!

[JustKat]

I've never had feelings of guilt, but I do experience sadness quite often. Truthfully, the thing that usually gets me through those moments is coming here. Online forums where I can talk to people who "get it" have been an absolute lifesaver for me (maybe literally). There are some genuinely caring and understanding people here who have helped me more than they'll ever know. I realize that online chat is no substitute for having an in-person friend to talk to, but it really does help.

If the weather is nice, I find that getting outdoors in the fresh air can also be helpful. Playing outside with the dog or taking a nice walk around the neighborhood does a lot to improve my mood.

Holidays are especially rough when you've lost your family to NC. We're both here for the same reason. I'm reaching out and sending you a big hug.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I default more to anger. I find that if I can let the anger out in a healthy way I'm okay again until the next go-round.

At 1-2 years NC I remember I needed to go back and review the events that led to NC a LOT. So often that I worried it was unhealthy and I was obsessed with it but I think I really needed to do that to keep myself grounded in the reality of what was, and not what my inner child wanted to tell herself could be or to take on the self-blame I'd been trained to do. I did EMDR during that time and I think it was a big key for me in moving past that FOG.

I spend a lot of time comparing myself and my life then vs. now when those feelings of sadness and guilt do come up, and the balance has always come up way better on the now. On holidays I mostly feel grateful to be NC. When I do feel sad about not having a family on holidays, it's more for the idea of a family than the actual people I cut out. I can look at my feelings logically now without invalidating them. I still feel sad, but understanding where that comes from makes it less powerful, and makes room for other feelings to be there simultaneously, if that makes sense. I can be a little sad in the background, but primarily I'm enjoying my peaceful holiday.

I have sent some holiday photos of my kids and stuff to friends, just to hear, "Oh my gosh your kids are beautiful!" or whatever in response. Not to my entire list lol, but I do seek a little validation at holidays and I think that's okay. I also invite other people into our family life on holidays at times. Today we were invited to have dinner with friends. Making other healthy connections helps a lot.

[Sidney37]

Thank you everyone.  As I read your comments, I definitely think it's more sadness than guilt.   It's definitely sadness.   And yes, I think about how holidays were with my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and I definitely don't want to go back to that. It was stressful.   It's the idea of a kind, happy, low drama/drama free family that I long for and it makes me sad.

I think I'd be happy if we had some normal interactions with DH's family, but that isn't the case either.  I grew up in an enmeshed family and his ignores us entirely unless we reach out.  We're living  far away, but we don't even get a phone call or text but a few times a year. 

I'm hoping when life is closer to normal we can find the kind of friends that are like family, 

[practical]

M has been dead 5 years and sometimes I still get sad and/or have a sense of guilt, that I didn't try hard enough, that I should have toughened it out or some such guilt-fogged insanity. As for the sadness, I have come to accept it, because it is sad not to have had a real mother. I mourn this loss. As for the guilt feelings, I remind myself that I count too, that my life isn't worth less than hers, and I nearly erased my life trying to make her's better. I remind myself of what I have learned here about PDs, coming Out of the FOG and most importantly about myself. For both feelings, I try to be compassionate with myself.

Hope you are feeling better

[MamaDryad]

I am NC with my mother (alcoholic, uBPD), and she has pushed almost everyone else in her life away. She has financial resources but no emotional ones. She has met my kid twice, both before the age of three months, and he's turning five this year. The guilt is massive and deep-rooted; I was born to fix her life, after all.

What I do for the guilt is imagine, in detail, what it would be like if she were in my life right now. I imagine trying to parent a quirky, sensitive child (much like I was) with her in my ear. I imagine trying to recover from a lifetime of chronic pain and from lingering Covid symptoms while dealing with her feelings about my health and body. I remember how angry and snappish I used to be before our weekly visits and how dissociated afterward, and I imagine what it would be like to ride that cycle while homeschooling in a tiny apartment during a pandemic.

And what I realize is that I would still feel guilty. Guilty toward her because, no matter what she may think, I can't actually make her happy. And guilty toward my wife and child for exposing them to her and to what I'm like when I'm in the FOG. And guilty toward myself (a relatively new concept for me, that I might have some obligations to myself) for not giving myself the opportunity to heal.

The sadness is more complicated. What I try to do these days is make space for it, really feel it in all its sometimes contradictory layers, and then let it pass, knowing it will be back and that I can survive it each time. That's one of those simple-but-not-easy things, but it does get easier with time.

[blues_cruise]

Continuing to work on self-esteem and building compassion for yourself really helps, as does reaching out to safe people who can validate your experiences. I would imagine, like most/all of us, you found yourself in a pretty impossible situation with your parents and that you're simply doing the best you can to live a peaceful life away from those who would try to sabotage that.

At 1-2 years NC I remember I needed to go back and review the events that led to NC a LOT. So often that I worried it was unhealthy and I was obsessed with it but I think I really needed to do that to keep myself grounded in the reality of what was, and not what my inner child wanted to tell herself could be or to take on the self-blame I'd been trained to do. I did EMDR during that time and I think it was a big key for me in moving past that FOG.

I second this, it's something I've always done as a way to stay grounded when guilt hits. It really helps to go back to my posts and journal entries from 5 years ago and remind myself of just how much of an upsetting, nasty situation I was in when I was still in contact with my father and how I had exhausted all viable options of maintaining some kind of a tolerable connection to him. I agree that it helps to take a step back and question where the guilt is coming from. Sadness I think is valid because not having a relationship with a parent is sad, however for me when I feel guilt/toxic shame it tends to come from a place of decades of ingrained people pleasing and assuming far too much responsibility for another person's actions.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry you all are going through this.

I feel fortunate that I don't have this issue of guilt and sadness. I feel relieved, happy and free.

Kind of like a POW that has escaped, and has nothing but a sense of euphoria and joy as they are released from their captor.

[daughter]

I've a written list of reasons why NC was prudent, meaning specific instances of my NF's and NBM's worst Big Bad Behavior episodes, discussed with therapist, with those  recommendations to "maintain distance (NC) from parents". Quick review, w/4 decades of BBB documented, and I'm firmly reconciled to remaining NC without guilt or sadness.

My freedom now from past "dutiful daughter"-related stoicism and self-sacrifice , my no longer quietly enduring their unloving behaviors and disrespectful expectations, has cancelled-out any predilection towards sadness or guilt. I'm guilt-free, and surprisingly, given my years of steady FOG indoctrination, quite happy with NC decision. So I'm opposite of "sad", and wish I'd disengaged myself many years earlier as a young adult, when it was already clearly warranted.

[doglady]

Emotions - I have a few:

Sometimes I feel guilt when I think I should've just kept putting up and shutting up until they die.

Sometimes I feel irritation - not so much anger these days - when I hear about some bullshit they're still telling themselves about how they 'don't even know' what they've done.

Sometimes I feel shame for letting myself remain in such a toxic situation for so long before finally breaking free.

Sometimes I feel sorrow, knowing that they have many concerning issues they choose not to work on or get help with.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll feel grief when it's all over and they've gone.

Sometimes I feel anxiety verging on terror when pondering how or whether to ever try some form of limited contact.

Sometimes I am able to feel compassion for myself, knowing that I am not perfect or blessed with superhuman strength, so I shouldn't beat myself because I simply couldn't keep sucking up what they dished out.

And more and more these days, I feel a kind of relief, knowing that I just couldn't have kept going along with the facade.

[lightworld]

When I'm having doubts about NC or feeling sad or guilty I think of how it would be to get back into contact and my body tells me I won't cope well with that.

I saw a poster about loneliness the other day showing a sweet looking old man and saying he hasn't spoken to anyone for days. I immediately thought of F and started softening and thinking what a bad daughter I was being. Then I thought of phoning him and got a surge of dread and adrenaline. That is not normal. I realised all over again that it would be deeply damaging for me to resume contact.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone for your advice.  I'm feeling better.  Less sad this week than last for sure.  I think I need a written list about why I am NC to remind myself in times like this.  I'm spending time thinking about what holidays would be like if I was in contact.  They wouldn't be good.  That's for sure. 

[moglow]

Sidney,All along I go back and reread or search out my posts on particular subjects and how y'all responded - those threads help remind me and line me back up. None of this is new or "my fault" or even anything I can possibly change other than how I respond to it.