Be careful what you ask for

[moglow]

When last I whined ... I asked mother to go with what she taught us from a young age: If you can't say anything nice, better to say nothing at all. If the best she can do is talk down to me, call me names, insult and demean me, and make a boatload of baseless accusations and complaints against me then No. Don't call, write, text, carrier pigeon, nothing. Leave me alone.

It's been about two months now with complete silence. Yesterday I was reminded that I need to be who *I* am, not who she tried to make me out to be or guilt me into being - today is her birthday. Me being me, I sent a brief HBD text and [not real clear how I managed this one!] included one of my sisters. Sis almost immediately responded in a separate text "OMG did I forget her birthday?!!" Nothing from mother, not even a thank you. No manners anywhere on the horizon. Granted she claims my texts aren't getting to her, but that one at least went to someone else and since she was included you'd think both got the text. Apparently not, or so I should take it. Sis text to mother got a response within two minutes, so ...

I know. I told her to leave me be, I also qualified it with the "if you can't be nice..." so I can only assume she went with literal translation. She cant/isn't willing to be nice and she made a choice that I provided. The silence has admittedly been really nice - no meltdowns, no insults, no name calling or ridiculous accusations. But ... it truly bothers me that this is who she is. She's *shown* this is who she is and chooses to hold on to.

I'm sad. Not guilty or feeling anything but grumpy and just plain let down - and I did it to myself. She's 82+ and this is where she is with her family - uninterested, unapologetic, apparently unfeeling and distant. Her choice. I'm 59 and dammit I feel sad!!

[Boat Babe]

Dear Moglow. She has ALWAYS shown you who she is. You, understandably, did not see it for many years. How could you? A combination of PD induced FOG and the desperate need for your mother to be an actual mother to you made it very difficult to seeher for who she is  for many years. But she has always been that person, sadly.

So, another wave of grief to ride on the road to liberation and healing.  Take very good care of yourself right now. I feel this will pass sooner than you might think. Big hugs.

[Call Me Cordelia]

She's 82+ and this is where she is with her family - uninterested, unapologetic, apparently unfeeling and distant. Her choice.

And yet right before that, you said you did it to yourself. Only one of those things can be true, dear Moglow. It looks to me like the boundaries have improved things for you. And you did that.

[Free2Bme]

moglow,

No perfect words to offer, just warmth and understanding here.

It sounds like discard treatment because you wouldn't play by the rules.  It's as if the adult child is 'out of sight, out of mind'. I've done some reading lately on object constancy and PD, there seems to be a correlation. 

I am in a similar situation with my M and struggle with a lot of sadness too.  It feels unfair to endure this while a parent is alive, and then have to contend with unresolved feelings after they're gone.

Wishing you comfort going forward.

[moglow]

Yall are awesome. Thanx for getting me, and straightening my spine again.

[Sidney37]

Hi Moglow
I'm so sorry.  So many people would say to enjoy the silence.  I've been told that, too.  It's hard.  It's painful.  It's isolating.  What we want is for them to love us the way we deserve to be loved.   The rejection, even when we ask them to be kind or not talk to us, and they choose not to talk to us, is so painful.  It's filled with rejection when we just want to be accepted.

I do think it's another path to healing.  You are seeing what she is capable of providing to you.  As painful as it is, you can see the truth.  It's not an easy road.  It's a lonely one, but many of us have found calm and peace the further we travel down it. 

[ArmadilloKate]

I'm sorry Moglow. It hurts. It hurts they can't be bigger people, loving, caring, empathetic, human...

We know they can't do better but the reminders of how low they can go is still painful and shocking.

I'm sorry your mom ignored your attempt to be kind.

[moglow]

She's 82+ and this is where she is with her family - uninterested, unapologetic, apparently unfeeling and distant. Her choice.

And yet right before that, you said you did it to yourself. Only one of those things can be true, dear Moglow. It looks to me like the boundaries have improved things for you. And you did that.

I brought this on myself by way of having expectations. We cant put reasonable expectations on an unreasonable person. With mommie dearest? Good manners, out the window. Basic courtesies that were drilled into me all my life, gone. Those things don't apply to her where we are concerned, period. She's the mother and as such has carte blanche, no holds barred. I mean, how many times do I need to go through this to remind myself?! Guess I'm still not there - I'm in the general vicinity of there and I recognize the scenery, but not THERE in residence.

The rejection, even when we ask them to be kind or not talk to us, and they choose not to talk to us, is so painful.  It's filled with rejection when we just want to be accepted.

I do think it's another path to healing.  You are seeing what she is capable of providing to you.  As painful as it is, you can see the truth.  It's not an easy road.  It's a lonely one, but many of us have found calm and peace the further we travel down it.

Yes, this too. This is a long and winding road, with hills and valleys and some hairpin curves along the way. There are some slippery slopes and rockslides too! Thing is, I've seen all of this so many times over the years, still held out hope that I saw it on a bad day, that I was overtired or stressed and read too much into it. Mothers just don't do this, not the ones I've met, the daughters I've talked to! Lifelong friends now tell me they've watched this play out for decades, just assumed that at some point she'd stop and pay attention, realize what everyone else sees here. But no. We expect decency and respect and consideration, simple things to us that are insurmountable for her. But seriously - SHE supposedly taught me those things, but they don't apply to me? Who DOES that???

I text briefly with sister [in law] mentioned above today, to thank her for helping redirect me yesterday - it seems mother felt the need to tell brother #3 that she didn't hear from me or the other middle child on her birthday. [Yes, playing victim/divide and conquer with the one of her children she thinks she can snooker into sympathy.] Sis told him she didn't know about and can't speak for middle brother but mo DID text your mother! I know she did because she included me by mistake and here it is. She suggested sending mommie dearest a screenshot of the text she received including the "delivered" tag at the bottom.

I'm quite sure mother hadn't ever mentioned to them the last few phone calls where she let me know in no uncertain terms how she [didn't] feel. I have shared with this sis some of mother's more choice words, screenshot "conversations" that went sideways with no apparent context for her comments or anger. Having it in written form is sometimes rather helpful, if only to point out just how carefully she words things - as my older brother says, at least with texts he doesn't have to hear her voice even if the tone comes ringing through.

Anyway, they're all boggled too, trying to figure out how it is mother and I could talk on her cell phone, she could text me and I could respond - but she doesn't get my responses or any texts I send her. My best guess: There's a hidden folder, maybe a spam text folder that mine are routed to or maybe she uses a messaging app where she can block incoming texts and DID only possibly doesn't realize it. I still think she tried out ways to block me when she threatened it, and there's some box checked somewhere, she may not even know where it is. Different phones, different cell carriers, many different possibilities. BUT she's not interested enough to call, to seek any resolution. Honestly I think this is what she's wanted a long time, ironclad reason to NOT have contact with me. She can blame me and feel lily white and pure.

[Yael924]

Hi Moglow, sorry to ready that this round of the silent treatment is getting under your skin.

Regarding the missing texts, (and yes, I am projecting from my own family) my guess is that she got them just fine. She is lying to get you to call her. If you call her (in her mind) she can just go back to how things were before.

And you can call her if you choose; you have that option. You have the power to end the call when she gets abusive. You have the strength to say enough is enough.

Hang in there. Internet socially distanced hugs if you need 'em.

[moglow]

Thank you, Yael, and for the needed hugs. That's exactly where my mind goes, that she got the texts just fine but is lying to appear poor neglected victim. What force of will it must take to not respond! But then too, I'm neither provocative nor groveling, begging for anything from her as I did in times past.

I dont for a minute expect mother to remain silent indefinitely, but I'm finally being myself and doing what I feel is best, regardless of any response from her. Call her, after that last episode and the senseless verbal abuse that followed? No thank you. I deserve better, and frankly so does she (whether she sees it or not).