What's the worst thing your PD has done (that led to NC)?

[DaisyGirl77]

Daisy,

OMG, this:

They got tshirts ordered with "It's a [last name] thing; you wouldn't understand" emblazoned on it.  They use it every chance they get, which is with major family gatherings.

Wow, that is the epitome of  tribal behavior. Cult much?

This is in no way a judgement on Christianity, but I am so thankful my parents are not "born again" evangelicals. They were churchgoing when I was younger, but are agnostic/atheists, but told us we are free to believe what we want.

Lol, yeah.  They do have that kind of mindset.  I briefly considered changing my last name to something completely different after their divorce was finalized since the drama was just insane.  I haven't...for personal reasons.

You're lucky in that sense.  We did attend church when I was quite small & I have some fond memories of sitting in the pew watching the organist play.   It fizzled out when I was about 7ish due to a bunch of reasons.  If they'd let things be, I probably wouldn't have such an issue with "God".

[DaisyGirl77]

The NC with my uNM is permanent.  She's chosen her path.  I've chosen mine.  We are never going to find our middle ground, & she will never recognize the damage she did to me & my sisters by raising us the way she & our father did.

I read your entire story too, Daisy, and I am breathless over what you went through. Also can't believe the lies spun as truths by your grandmother that your FOO was so willing to believe and tiptoe around.

When FOO is willing to believe the worst about you based on the testimony of one family member, without questioning it, (as in my case too), it really makes you realize they could be horrible people, doesn't it? You don't want to, but you have to consider it and at least get the hell out of there first even if you're not sure.

I'm glad your father apologized. Your M, on the other hand, needs to grow the *@#& up!!!!

Lol.  Thanks, Distance.  Yes, she (uNM) does.  One of the things I forgot to mention in my OP was that when my parents' marriage was on the rocks, before the divorce papers were filed, our family dog became extremely ill on a Friday.  She'd been declining for quite a while & this was "the sign" we pet owners just know.   This dog was eF's dream dog.  He picked her out of the litter.  Even though she was the family dog, she was primarily eF's dog.  I called eF to let him know it was an emergency re: the dog, & please come home.  He didn't answer.  uNM called his job; his job expressed surprise & said he'd taken the day off.  Long story short, he had taken a three day weekend to go riding with his biker group & never told us.  In revenge, uNM gathered my sisters & I at the kitchen table & announced she'd called the vet & scheduled the PTS appointment for the day after.

I.  Went.  VOLCANIC.  I told her that this wasn't her call; this was eF's dog as much as she was ours, that I didn't care what was going on with them, that [dog's name] was not something to play around with, nor is her life.  Playing with lives isn't a joke & isn't something you can take back with a "Tee hee, just kidding!" (My sisters were completely silent the whole during our showdown.)  In return, she made me call the vet to cancel the appointment, & told me I was going to be solely responsible for helping her out to pee/poo & making her comfortable until eF returned. 

Which he did...& he was promptly relegated to the floor next to where we'd set up the dog.  She was put down a couple days later.  He moved out a few months after that.

I lost my respect for uNM after that.  I have lots more stories, but that'll take up a whole new thread & I don't want to hijack.

[Bewitched]

After years of scapegoating me because I refuse to sweep everything under the rug and continue to be obliviously compliant to toxic behavior, my uNPD father shoved (aggressively) my husband and my teen at a family function (unprovoked). Quite literally, he did this behind my back. He graduated from targeting me to targeting the people I love. Later he would say that all he did was put his arm around them. Family accuses me of "overreacting."

[Adria]

Stole my house, and tried to buy my kids away from me with my inheritance. A million a piece, but my kids turned them down flat.

[blues_cruise]

The absolute worst thing which I wasn't prepared to deal with anymore was the increasing attempts to manipulate and distort my character to other people. My father was being flat out cruel before no contact and yet was reaching out to random people online (specifically Facebook, which he had shunned until he realised it could serve this purpose) playing the confused victim card and claiming I was the one mistreating him. Rather than have a sensible conversation with me to try to understand he instead chose to play silly mind games and try to humiliate me. I wanted to finally learn assertiveness and boundaries at the age of 27 when this was happening in order to improve my relationships with emotionally healthy people, however I quickly learned that my father was entirely resentful of this, wanted me to remain meek and mild and would continue to do everything in his power to try to damage my self-esteem. Frankly, he is not a nice person.

[blacksheep7]

Many paper cuts, always sarcasm/complaining to get her message across....Attention.

Emotional blackmail to control.

Not being validated, ignorned emotionally from childhood to nc  (twice).  On the same team as Raging NF, not defending us.   Frivolous M.   Joy was the only emotion allowed or being numb.

Slapped me when I was deeply depressed from my breakup of my first love at 21.   Because I told her that she didn't understand.  That, I never forgot!

New Year's eve 10 yrs ago, walked out like an immature child would (tantrum) a true trait of a Pd.  I was 60 then. She came back with family friend  (surrogate dd) who begged her then she raged at me saying «are you happy»?  I went nc for three years.


Her revenge after first nc.  She gave a piece of jewelry that she had promised to me, gave it to my gc sister's  dd. What I did not accept was not the gesture itself, I don't give a F**** but  that she had to tell me just to hurt me!   CRUEL.
She said «I hope you don't mind, you weren't talking to me anyhow»  Big sigh.  I would have found out at her death but no.   

Then emotional blackmail in a low voice, in her maternal language, again in the waiting room of a doctor's office.

Those were all signs  of a M who could not love me, that I could no longer trust.  A M who expected me to make her happy.   

No exception from your stories, they all have the same common denominator.

And let's not forget, all this while trying to shame and guilt us.

May your holidays be in Peace.

[Amedee]

Death by a thousand paper cuts.

  I almost envy those of you who can point to really overt, indisputably horrendous behavior.  With me it was growing up in an emotional vacuum, and being targeted/shunned for being too weird and "sensitive".  There is a tremendous amount of hidden pain in my FOO. I was always some level of melancholy or depressed, felt hideous and detestable, and had to hide it from family lest I be scorned or scolded for it.  ("What's wrong with you?  Look at us ... we're happy!").  The only "closeness" I experienced was with my father, who revelled in my adoration but was never there for me in any real way (and in his later years became outright undermining and nasty).  The attention he gave me, of course I realize now was a huge thorn in my mother's eye, who got nothing from him emotionally.  My brothers ditto.  I spent the majority of my life utterly convinced I was the defective one.  Even though I have excelled in my field, am loved by many, lived an interesting life, and always been conscientious and circumspect about life decisions.  I live far away from FOO, but visited regularly and made an effort to keep in good contact. 

Internally I did many years of work in and out of therapy to heal from my self loathing.  Keeping that well hidden from FOO.  I became healthier, happier and made progressively healthier life choices.  I figured "a rising tide lifts all ships", and assumed my family relations would improve commensurately.   Instead, things got weirder and weirder.  Darker and darker.  Their calm, covert and overt contemptuous behavior toward me was so incredibly hurtful and baffling.  I am almost embarrassed to admit how much of my life energy and vitality I wasted sitting in my house with my head reeling, trying to make sense of their behavior and my all-consuming guilt and panic.  I went to see yet another therapist who told me I had trauma.  I brushed that away, and still thought I could somehow sort this out and make sense of it.  I see now, she was %100 money.   All the depression and self hatred I thought were my flaws ... that's not truly me.  That was grief and trying to make some kind of sense of how I had always been treated.

I am now VVVLC.  Inches away from NC.  I got married a few years ago, and saw very quickly that I had to cut ties to stay sane and bond with my husband.  It's a big burden to bear, that I can't explain my choice to anyone except those select few who have had similar experiences.  I learned the hard way that trying to explain makes me look excessively touchy and crazy - that goes for most of my friends and all my extended family.  It sucks.  I'm glad for places like here where I can unburden myself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

The last thing wasn't even the worst thing, like many of you. It was the thing that proved to me what I suspected: They did not and could not love me and were utterly selfish.

With FOO, it was after a year of going through a pregnancy and difficult postpartum, living nearer to them "for the support" and receiving absolutely none. After a particularly heinous visit from my father to "help" me, my mother told me they would not come to our house on Christmas Day because they were so hungry after leaving my house last year they had no choice but to eat Christmas dinner at a gas station. I was newly pregnant and nauseated and made them a full buffet anyway, but it wasn't a roast and potatoes so it didn't count. I called back after a couple of days and said that really hurt and I needed some time out from them. M said she never said that. I didn't accept that. That brought on a firestorm of attempts to get me back in line. Letters, cards, phone calls, gifts. My F went so far as to try to set me up to look like a child abuser and see my kids behind my back without me present. NC is permanent.

[Ziggy52]

My mom suffers from depression and low self-esteem. I knew this from even a young age. I dealt with it by becoming extremely protective of her. What I didn't know was that she also most likely suffers from bpd and narcissism, and its affect on me. I was thoroughly enmeshed. I was literally told what I liked, what I didn't, how I felt and what I thought. My goal; under no circumstances should I ever hurt her feelings. Every decision came with my mom's voice in my head, either approving, or, God forbid, not. It reached a point early on where she didn't have to say anything. I just knew. (WWMD?!?)

The need to be perfect, so that she wouldn't have to suffer by "worrying" about me, was a never-ending goal. It was a constant battle to "prove" my "loyalty," and I sometimes "fell short." I was anorexic from teen to well into adulthood. It was, among other things, self punishment. A way to redeem myself for all my "mistakes" and "flaws." Starving myself even felt soothing. I thought I deserved it.

And if I didn't fall short somehow, frequently, I was told I'd done something "too well." Also a failure.

About 8 or 9 years ago, the perfect storm occurred. My FOO went through several tragedies. I felt responsible—and was held responsible—for fixing everything and making everyone feel better. Obviously, not possible. I saw a therapist.

Originally, I sought therapy to help with my self-confidence. I thought it would help me cope better with the constant criticism. The first time I mentioned my mom without a compliment, I absolutely panicked over my slip up. I thought I'd be sick then and there in the therapist's office. The guilt was overwhelming.

Everything went through my mom. I'd never really learned to deal directly with people. I realized this was also something I wanted and needed to be able to do. It was a strange dynamic; mom insisted on hearing about every grievance or slight I'd experienced, seemingly taking some sort of bizarre comfort when my other relationships were in turmoil, while simultaneously being stressed out about it. Getting things off my chest felt good in the moment, but helped nothing in the long run. I made a conscious choice to stop sharing so much. Still in the FOG, I continued to email her almost every day, but intentionally kept it light. I don't know for sure, but I believe this distancing, though subtle, had something to do with the year or so of absolute rage that came soon after...

At the time, I distinctly remember thinking how bizarre it was, like someone hitting themself over the head, again and again with a bat, then turning to me and demanding I stop. It was nonsensical. I had no idea what to do. There was nothing I could fix. I hadn't done anything.

I then learned that my parents had been telling people (including DH) I was "mental." My mom had written at least one letter with the sole purpose to destroy an important relationship. I don't how long it had been going on, but there are situations that lead me to believe it was pre-rage. At first, it was only my mom. My dad seemed unaware. He confronted me one Christmas morning, accusing me of ruining everything. I hadn't yet called to tell them when we'd be over that morning.

I thought if he knew how she'd been treating me, he'd understand what had been going on over the past year. I tried to tell him. It made zero difference. Instead, he acknowledged my mom's actions, and made it very clear it was up to me, not her, to "fix it all." I started screaming at him to get out of my house. He wouldn't. I kept screaming. I think subconsciously, I thought he'd "hear" me if I were louder. It was awful. I was awful. The only positive thing to come from it, is that based on what I've heard from family, the memory of my "craziness" that day is what has kept he and my mom from dropping in to "talk."

When he finally left, I calmed down enough to email an apology, as always, taking complete responsibility. I even told him I knew he was only trying to help. But, at that point, I knew just how little I mattered. Yes, they "needed" me, but as an individual, I was nothing to them. Realizing I would never truly be heard by them left me with nothing more to give.

The part I still don't understand, was that, after a lifetime of dreading the day they were both gone, and constantly trying to "prove" how much they meant to me, I feel nothing towards them. Occasionally, I get angry or sad. But...nothing positive. I've even tried meditating to spark some sort of positive feeling towards them, but, there's just nothing there.

NC was self-preservation. And now, I've taken the red pill; I can't go back.

[Seven]

Realizing I would never truly be heard by them left me with nothing more to give.

Ziggy, this one hit home and nearly brought me to tears.  I feel this with my family. Being the youngest and very displaced in age from the next youngest, I feel very unheard.  I mean, they hear me, say they get it, but invalidate me anyway because I'm not suppose to feel this way about my uNPDm.  Because I won't be a boat-steadier  Right now, my relationship with uNPDm (who has finally been diagnosed with dementia not caused by strokes) is nonexistent, and it's business-only with four of the six siblings.

[Idnaoniw]

Mother sent a "anonymous" letter to my house claiming to be from concerned neighbors.  Claim was that our house is dirty and kids are dirty and it is impacting their relationships. 

[Starboard Song]

Mother sent a "anonymous" letter to my house claiming to be from concerned neighbors.  Claim was that our house is dirty and kids are dirty and it is impacting their relationships.

Wow.

Just wow.

[Ziggy52]

Seven,
Your experiences and needs are absolutely valid. You have a right to take care of yourself.

You may have been conditioned to believe otherwise. It's not fair to you. Your voice counts. You are worthy of respect, regardless of how much younger, etc., you are.



I care. I respect you. I'm sorry you are suffering, and that your siblings aren't offering support to you.

[Hepatica]

Ziggy52, that was very moving reading your story and so much of it reminds me of my own. It didn't begin to really come together for me about the level of dysfunction and how low they would go until there was that "perfect storm" in my FOO... and then I just knew that my family was not like other families.

What you said about yelling at your father, I really think was your soul saving you. That you had, had it. I had something similar with my mother when I was a child and I know deep down inside it was my survival instinct screaming to save myself.

I am in my fifties now and I feel nothing toward my parents. It's like all the love I had slowly dried up, one incident at a time.

I could relate a lot to what you wrote. Thank you for sharing.

[need2bme]

I was sexually/mentally abused by my GC brother beginning at age 7 and going until age 15...although the mental abuse continued well into adulthood.  At age 43, my mother told a friend of mine that I was basically a slut and asked for what happened to me.  That was the line and I knew I could not look at her nor hear her voice again.  I had talked to her a week prior to the trusted friend telling me that...and that was the last time.  The best thing I ever did was cut her out of my life.  I have grown tremendously since then!!!

[FindingHappinessAgain]

Like a lot of other folks here, it was more than just one singular thing with going NC...I've now gone NC with both parents.

BD - Emotionally abusive to BM and I during my childhood. Lots of hatred, name calling, seeing BM getting the brunt of the emotional and physical abuse (no sexual), and all around nastiness. He's a pathological liar with CPTSD from his own childhood trauma, so its settled as anger and hatred throughout every facet of his entire life and he takes it out on everyone (co-workers, family, etc). BD is textbook narc but is uNPD and loves to use DARVO on those closest to him...lots of HAP in my childhood from him. NC came easy with him about 7-8 years ago at this point, thanks to my DH - once I told him all the crap I went through as a child and adult, it was relatively easy to shut the door and not look back. The only times I broke NC, was once my BM guilt tripped me into seeing him about 5 years ago when he was in town by showing up at my apartment and not leaving until I saw him. I was a total emotional mess and wreck seeing him outside my residence. DH (BF at the time) told me that he had never seen me in such a way before. It was not an enjoyable time, to say the least. That was the last time I physically saw my BD. Then, early last year in 2020, my BM went against my wishes and gave BD my phone number without my knowledge (after she KNEW that I had NC with him for years and happily wanted to keep it that way) and used the excuse of "I gave it to him just an emergency" - well after one night of telling BM some of the horrible lies that I would hear BD tell my family over the phone (BD loved to tell horrible wretched lies and call me horrendous names to my family), she told BD what I said and he called me out of the blue. I didn't know it was him since I didn't have his phone number saved and it was a complete and total shock to hear his voice over the phone (not to mention being blind-sided out of the blue), and although it was a short maybe 7 min call, it was everything I needed to know that NC was the right choice. I sobbed after we hung up and was thrown into a pretty deep depression for a few weeks after that - nothing like being "face-to-face" with your abuser again, all without your consent. Been NC every day since and will until the day he passes. It also helps that I live 3,500 miles away from him!

BM - For a long time, I always thought that BD was worse than BM because he was so outwardly nasty, hateful, and abusive. But as I've gotten older, and thanks to my DH, I've come to realize that my BM is just as bad, but in a different way. BM is uBPD and uDPD and has CPTSD from childhood and adulthood. Being a female only child, she and I were very close when I was younger and were more 'best friends' than BM and daughter - but that's another thing entirely. BM loved to use manipulation, guilt tripping, and shame if things didn't go the way she wanted them to...which is and was often. There were many phone calls, voicemails, texts, and calls from teenage years to now (mid 30s) where she felt the need to say horribly mean and manipulative things because she was "just saying". Always telling me whacked out things when I was a teenager like "just get dressed up and go down to the rich golf course to meet a wealthy husband" or to "become a masseuse at a yacht club to meet a rich old man". She likes to guilt me for being NC with BD and should "apologize to him since he's old and dying and a different man now". She still talks to BD daily even though they live 1,200 mi apart and she left him for being abusive in the first place. Then there is a huge lack of disrespect for my own personal beliefs across the board, loves to bring up the past and dwell on mistakes that happened decades ago as if it just happened yesterday, loves to use the "well I'm your mother so you have to do/listen to x, y, z that I say because it's my way or the highway" and her favorite phrase of "I brought you in this world and I can take you out of it". Everything is about her and there is zero interest in my own life. Or if something goes well in my life, she loves to give all the credit to my DH and zero acknowledgement to me; I get viewed as a child who can't do anything for herself even though that is the opposite of the truth. I had been stuck in the mindset a few years ago (when I first recognized that she was going downhill pretty severely after living on her own for the first time in her life after 55+ years) that I just had to put up with her in order to have even a glimpse of the relationship that we had when I was younger (the "happier" times) because maybe she would change and things would look up for us. But the past 4 years have been totally awful dealing with her, to the point where I went to LC, and it became the lowest point of our relationship - this past 2020 year especially. BM has become totally engrossed in hatred and conspiracy theory, to the point that she cannot even think or talk about anything else. I had asked her time and time again to respect me and my beliefs, and to not talk about those things as it greatly upsets me, but yet she still goes on and on about those same things every single time we talk. I try to change the subject to something light hearted or just not even acknowledge those things she's saying, but she then gets angry and upset and will call me names. The low point which drove me to NC with her (which actually just happened 2 days for me) was that she was flipping out that her brother and SIL were pointing out the nastiness and hypocrisy in her life and I just happened agreed with them. I figured that I was sick of biting my tongue, sick of hearing the crap she loves to spew, and wanted her to know that I felt the same way that her brother and SIL did. That sent her down a spiral of telling me to go to hell, she never wants to see me again, guilting me right and left, putting words in my mouth that I never said, calling me names, denouncing me as her daughter, using the "I'm going to end my life if you cut off communication with me", that "she's sick of being hurt by me", and then finally telling me that I was the cause of our declining relationship. After years of biting my tongue just to not upset her and out of a sense of obligation, offering sound advice to help get her life on track when she would ask for it, sending gifts and cards on every holiday and birthday, always trying to make an effort, helping her financially, playing therapist, and always wanting a better life for her...but it was suddenly all my fault. That, right there, was the moment I knew that it wasn't worth it anymore. My DH read all of the horrible text messages and decided to call her the next day to try and straighten things out (which he has never done in the past 5 years of us being married)...but it did absolutely nothing. She claimed to "never have talked about" any of the things I asked her to stop talking about on the daily, and told my DH that she never once talked about those things since 2016 because she "learned a lesson". Yea...sure...okay. She decided to half-heartedly apologize yesterday through text message but ended it with demanding an apology from me as well because "I'm the one that should be apologizing to her and not the other way around"...suffice to say, she won't be getting that apology. The only thing she did get from me was getting her phone number blocked and finally giving me the strength to go NC. I had debated NC with her for the past few years, but this was the straw that broke this camel's back. I've been sad and crying the past few days since all this happened, but I know that that NC had to happen for my own peace of mind, well-being, and happiness. I'm not sad over the fact that we won't be talking anymore, I'm sad over the fact that I've had to endure so much emotional and mental turmoil for so long. I've accepted the NC and there is a great wave of relief that has washed over me today. There is a tiny part of me that feels bad and guilty for doing it (that good ol' sense of obligation sneaking back up), but at the end of the day, I just can't handle the toxicity anymore. It's not worth it by any means.

[Hepatica]

FindingHappinessAgain,

I'm so so so relieved and happy that you're making that choice. Reading your story makes me so sad bc it is so much like my uNPD mother. I spent so many years absorbing her inability to self-regulate and self-soothe. It was not good for me at all. I don't think I've really dealt with it and it might be the next step in my healing.

Please stay strong and keep the avenues of communication closed to your mother. She is not going to change and the only thing to do is to change the situation. You will begin to heal. And I really believe it is very difficult to heal if one remains in relationship with the abuser. She can  no longer take her misery out on you. It's so good that you are taking control of your peace of mind and health.

[BrightMoon]

many things, accumulating over time. and each new boundary i put in place got met with more and more overstepping of other boundaries, more cruelty and more abuse. but one of the final straws that sticks in my mind...

new years eve. hadnt seen parents for months. nobody doing anything. so i offered to meet outdoors and surprised them by bringing some wine and a new years tradition i read about as gesture of goodwill.

from the start-my dad refused to leave the car, moaning it was a bit cold. so obviously he was really desperate to see me! (his excuse for being so angry at me for not seeing him more often.

my 'mother'-I mentioned it was difficult for me as a kid, because i felt alone, and couldnt understand why she often seemed distant to me back then... her reply? 'You know I was terrified you'd turn out to be a gay....'

me-'... ...!' ...'you mean you were distant because you assumed it would mean i became gay?'

her-'no. i just thought i'd tell you i always worried there was something wrong with you and you'd turn out gay'(!)

me-'.....'

the walk back was in near silence. after one small glass of wine she was literally stumbling over the pavement.  i looked at her and just saw a monster. a stumbling wreck of a 'thing'. not a 'mother'.

in retrospect, I wonder if she was on more medication (she usually denied it but i often found out she was) and it had mixed with the drink causing the drunken stumbling. but that comment she made? she hadnt had one sip of wine at that point. not one. new years eve. a warm gesture from me. me opening up to her. and that was her response.

same as it ever was.

[blacksheep7]

I had to add this as I am still having «ah ha» moments in my healing journey. 

I now personally think that the worst thing for my or any parent can do to their child is to have them doubt/question themselves, «gaslight».  It is so inhuman, vicious.

Many times my NM would say to me «well, it's you Blacksheep!», «you're the only one who doesn't like it/that Blacksheep!».  She made sure to always name me. 

It is Horrendous. 

[Hilltop]

Blacksheep that is so true.  Being left with a feeling that something is weird or off about me is devastating.  At times I have said to my DH that I must be at fault for something as even my own family doesn't like me. 

To unsteady a persons self worth and self esteem, to make them doubt themselves it really is horrible.