Delusion

[Sadhubby]

My wife finally agreed to joint therapy. We haven't really talked about it since. Today she announced the only reason she is going is because I refuse to discuss moving country without the therapy. I told her i was there due to her violent verbal and physical behaviour. She first tried to blame me for it, then just stared at me as though I didn't understand what I was doing, before storming off to bed and finding several petty things to critisize me for.

What am I going to do? I thought there was some positive progress. Now it feels like this therapy is going to be a massive debacle.

[GettingOOTF]

Therapy is like rehab for addictions.  It’s only effective is the person is 100% committed to doing the work. The therapist is really just a guide. The people in therapy have to do the work, and it’s hard work. You have to walk through those doors 100% committed to doing the  work, and you will find out that that work is much much harder and more painful than you thought on day one.

If you are going for someone else or for any reason other than working on yourself it’s a massive waste of time and money.

In my case all therapy did was give my ex a new language with which to abuse me. And therapy was HIS idea. He hoped that the therapist would get me to see all my faults and “fix” me.

We all walk our own paths here and need to exhaust our own options, but you may find individual therapy for yourself much more beneficial.

We go to therapy for ourselves, not because of other people’s behavior. I was very fortunate in that my therapist saw through my ex and saw the issues I had myself. I worked with her until I was strong enough to address the issues that lead me to marry the type of person I did and then spend years trying to change him instead of addressing my underlying issues. I ultimately left the marriage. I kept the therapist for many more years.

Edited to add - I’ve been divorced for years. From what I’ve heard my ex has not changed in the slightest, if anything he’s worse. I however am a different person living a life I couldn’t have even imagined while I was still in the thick of my marriage.

[Free2Bme]

 

My updxh and I spent tens of thousands of dollars on T.  It only gave him more angles and language in which to use against me.  The time, money and energy would have been better spent entirely on individual T for myself.  If your spouse is serious about saving her marriage she will seek help with or without you.  People show you what is important to them by their actions. 

This is a tentative period for you.  Stay calm and collected, don't do anything that she can use against you.  Get the help and support you need with T , this is a lot for anyone to deal with.

[Sadhubby]

Thanks, Free2Bme and GettingOOTF.

Fortunately I already attend therapy for myself, initially due to my wife's behaviour unwillingness to participate in joint therapy, but since then a whole heap of my own issues are being addressed.

My therapist is excellent and has prepared me for the couples therapy to ensure my wife doesn't minimize the issues in her behaviour or muddy the waters to make it seem like normal marriage arguments.

The therapist we will be seeing is a highly regarded mediator. Fingers crossed.

PS later that night my wife tried to make up and said she really wants to go to make things better for us, the peace lasted all of 5 mins before we got into another argument over our son's care and she announced she regretted making peace. Yesterday was fine, even very nice. Today she is on the warpath because I left an empty yogurt pot out overnight. She threw my stuff in the trash, threw my coffee into the sink, covering thr floor, and generally yelled and swore. It took me a while before I figured out what she was so riled up about! I'm kinda used to it now and know how to respond  life is much better with  boundaries!

[peaceplow]

Sadhubby I've read a few of your posts and for what it's worth my situation sounds nearly identical. I have kids with what I believe to be a BPD wife. I am over half way through a really good book called Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. I have found it extremely helpful. I read it on my phone and it's discreet. Whenever I find myself in an uproar of a moment with my BPD I pick up where I left off and immediately come across some amazing advice. You should check it out if you haven't.

I too find peace in the moments in between the eruptions. It's a horrible way to live, though. Just tonight I tried to reason with her about something and it only led to more fighting. It's futile. Which is not a word which should be confused with giving up. It just means that the understanding that could be met by two rationally-sound individuals will not because that's it. There aren't two rationally-sound individuals. I have been through countless attacks. Having my personal effects thrown, my belongings in the garbage, my favorite things broken, food spattered on the ground. Mainly because I resisted something or said no. They want control and they lack empathy. In fact, it's the opposite. They make fun of and ridicule the empathetic.

Take photos, record, and video. Look back at the evidence and let it be reference for the times why you continue on the way you do. I'm really questioning why I do.

[Sadhubby]

Thanks for your message, peaceplow.

You're right, the situations sound so similar. This is really a nightmare and I don't know why we keep supporting them.

At the minute, I'd like to think it's for the kids, but you have to wonder what good will it do the kids to live in this environment. At the same time, there's no guarantee that it will get better for our kids if we separate. If anything it will get worse. It's a bloody impossible trap.

[Boat Babe]

Hi there and big hugs sadhubby and peaceplow. What a shitshow.

I just wanted to comment about the kids, as this is central for the loving, nonPD parent. If it's toxic for you, then it's toxic for them. It's also wiring their brains and bodies in certain patterns that are unhealthy on so many levels. It's modelling a really twisted version of love and family life.  That poisoned apple can affect you, your whole life.

If you are not documenting abusive behaviour, may I suggest that you do so. The violence and rages you describe are certainly illegal in the UK and probably in your country. Document.

Then, perhaps talk to a DV support group, because this is what you are experiencing. Find out about what custody options you have. Document.

My mother left my violently abusive father when I was six. For this I will always be grateful to her (even though she's a piece of work in her own right, but that's another thread) because I no longer lived in fear and dread. My childhood from six onwards really wasn't a bed of roses BUT was a walk in the park after life with dad.  I have read many heart-rending posts on these boards by folk regretting that they stayed so long in their desperately unhappy marriages because of the damage inflicted on the kids by the PD parent.

It's a perfect storm and the only person with agency is you.