Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.

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Liketheducks

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Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« on: December 01, 2020, 06:47:57 PM »
My NPD Mom has made me out to be the family scapegoat.   Such a long story, but she was living with me.   It became so toxic that I offered her one of our 3 rental properties, free.   She told the rest of the family that I kicked her out and made her homeless.   We've had minimal contact ever since.   About a year ago, she had a heart attack out of town.   I didn't rush in and she's held it against me since.   (At the time, she was yelling at me to "fix" our relationship).    This has been going on for about 3 years.   I did get a text from year about a year ago with an apology - but the follow up was that she wanted to "enter the ring" and work out our problems.   I'm not entering any rings....nor answer the boarding call for any guilt trips, thank you.
Birthdays, Holidays, etc.  I always send her a little something as a gift.   More for me.   As a kid, she used to demonize Dad for not reaching out or taking care of us kids once they separated.  Now I know she did everything she could to make sure he didn't know where we were.   
Since our falling out, I've kept my distance.   Repeatedly, I've had messages from extended family lambasting me for "kicking her out".      Today I received this.

Dear Ladybug,
Not sure if this is still your email address or not.  Please don't send me anymore obligatory gifts.   I really don't want anything from you.   
I don't live with Brother.....was staying to there to help with children and was a home base while traveling (possessions were in storage).  I've had my own place for almost a year. (This isn't quite true....but semantics)
I will send your son a Christmas gift because he's not part of this nonsense.
I wish you health, wealth, and happiness.
NPD Mom.   

I seriously have no idea where she lives now.   She's blocked me from her phone.   I feel so conflicted about how to respond to this....but mostly I feel anger.    WTH? 


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Liketheducks

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2020, 07:07:42 PM »
To add.....I put the boundaries in place....but she's lied and maligned the enter family against me.   I'm not looking for contact with someone who won't play by my boundaries.   The gifts I sent were heartfelt - not obligatory.   I sent them because I wanted her to know that I WAS thinking of her on those special days.   Or I wouldn't have sent them.   But, that my son isn't part of my 'nonsense" is REALLY sticking in my craw right now.   I made this choice because the relationship with her in my home was toxic for my son.   UGH!

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moglow

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2020, 08:06:08 PM »
My suggestion - don't respond to anything sticking in your craw. Sounds like she's goading, trying to provoke something, and little positive would be gained by it.

By not telling you where she is, she's made her own choices here. Go with that and may she have joy of it.
Short version - you dont have to accept or respond to every provocation and that's what this feels like to me.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2020, 04:16:22 AM »
I agree with Moglow.
They do know how to go straight for your heart, don't they? How hurtful these lines are!

The best you can do, respect her wishes. No more gifts. No more contact. She shows you what she wants from you. It is painful and you can accept this. You can still love her. From a distance. And you can start the grieving process. Seriously.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2020, 11:32:25 AM »
I agree with Moglow too.

She gave you a gift of no more contact or putting time into a gift for her, enjoy it. If my uNPmother wrote those words I'd be thrilled! I could try to wipe her out of my mind. I wouldn't respond at all. I'd go along with what she wrote.

You can decide what to do with a gift for your son. Maybe you'll want to donate, give it to him or return to sender. Well, returning it would cause big drama and may not be worth the satisfaction.



« Last Edit: December 02, 2020, 11:38:06 AM by SunnyMeadow »

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Liketheducks

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2020, 06:58:44 PM »
Thanks, guys.   I'm not going to respond.   She has no idea if I've even received the message.   In the grand scheme, she's just showing her true colors.    It's hard being the scapegoat.   It's flabbergasting to me that ANY parent who wanted a relationship would continue to respond in this way.   Just proves to me that she would rather be right and the victim.....than move forward.   And grown up boundaries from me......aren't working for her.   Probably means I need to keep them in place.

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moglow

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #6 on: December 02, 2020, 07:23:12 PM »
Quote
It's flabbergasting to me that ANY parent who wanted a relationship would continue to respond in this way.   Just proves to me that she would rather be right and the victim.....than move forward. 

I'm so sorry, Cerulean. Mine is much the same and it's heartbreaking. I get goading messages like that or even occasionally cloying sweet ones, yet rarely ever any reasonable response to my questions or concernd. It's like she throws down these gauntlets for the "fun" of it, will have her mad regardless of my response.

It's been hard learning that no response is the only course to take.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Hilltop

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2020, 09:12:40 AM »
Yep SG here, its so much fun isn't it, one hurtful exchange after another. 

I can see why you are so angry.  Her line of "he is not part of this nonsense".  Ok so is she saying your feelings are nonsense, that you have a difficult relationship is nonsense, how incredible hurtful.

The other line about the obligatory gifts is just dismissing your good intentions.  You did something nice for her so she will take the joy out of that, replace any nice feelings with something a little sour.

"I really don't want anything from you" - wow, very hurtful.

It sounds like she is trying to dismiss everything and put it back on you.  She paints herself as  together, as she says she's living elsewhere, she's been traveling, she wishes you health and wealth and happiness however while she paints that picture she is throwing in some really hurtful comments which lets you know that nothing has changed with her.  Good for you that you aren't going to respond, I feel like there would be more criticism if you did.

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Kiki81

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2020, 06:28:30 PM »
Why respond at all. Drop the rope.

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Liketheducks

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Re: Similar to Cerulean.....Need advice on how to respond.
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2020, 07:43:29 PM »
Absolutely!   Thank you all.   Took me a couple of days, but Im not picking up that rope.    :doh:   Seriously!   I have a kiddo.     Who does that to their kids?   
If my son and I have an issue....we find a  middle.  We respect each other enough to listen without blame.   Its maddening.