creative consequences

[tragedy or hope]

We were out of town for a week. Camping. I find if I get him out doing something, I am less likely to be targeted. However, everything we do when out has to do with "what I want." He seems not to have any desires. It' s suffocating at times.

Anyway, about consequences. We all talk about them. I tried one. Pissy about connecting to an unusual water faucet while camping. I say, I am not getting back in the truck until you calm down. I stood my ground. I did not want to be the receptor of his frustration, his threshold is very low.

It worked, he did not start on me when I got in, though after I said it 3 times, he said, "get in the truck." Which I did, in a campground so as not to make a scene, but he calmed down. I then got out and stayed away walking my dog the whole time he was preparing to park. I continued to be pleasant and ignored his moodiness.

Anyway, made me wonder, sometimes I don't know what consequences to consider after his unwarranted behaviors. If he does xyz... then what do I do? I don't want to create crisis if it is not necessary. Much of my behaviors are now consequences of his foul ways of speaking to me. I give much less affection, kind of just cordial. He seems not to get it, as if he does not mind. Probably does not care.

I don't know what else to do. Walk away, refuse to speak, what? What else is there? Would love to know what some of you have chosen for consequences and how you do it.

All in all it was a wonderful trip, through the great smokies and the blue ridge mountains. Not really complaining. As long as he is willing to go, the distraction cuts down on the feeling of constant observation of everything I do. Fresh air  and nature are good for the soul.

[bloomie]

tragedy or hope - I am thankful the trip was salvaged and ended up being wonderful. It seems like you did the very best thing you could in the moment by gray rocking, and when you deemed safe, getting distance by walking the dog.

I may not be understanding the situation completely as to if you were setting up or leaving, but it seems that having others nearby made the potential for abusive behaviors from your H more difficult to address, or at least worked as further pressure on you to go along to a certain degree?

You have a right and responsibility to distance yourself from toxic behavior. You have a right to say what you need, one time, and then to do what works for you..."I am not getting back in the truck..." and possibly adjust it to something like... until I decide it is safe to do so. Which only focuses on what you have control over. And then gather the dog and get the heck out of there for a good long time.

I also gently challenge the statement that seems to say that you were responsible for avoiding a scene around neighboring campers. You were not causing a scene. Had your H been unable to cope with his frustrations to the point that other people witnessed it, or were uncomfortable with HIS choices, you still would not have been causing a scene. His behavior is 100% his responsibility. Always.

When others who have strong N traits are looking outside of themselves for control, boundaries, even definition of self, or coping with every day frustrations, as it seems your H may be, it is uncomfortable, but I have found if I absorb their toxic behavior or fix the situation or accommodate it, it only reinforces that the answer to their issues are my responsibility, not theirs.

Just some of my thoughts.

[Mary]

You might even take the dog for a walk and happen to strike up a conversation with the other campers. You could invite them to walk over and check on the progress with you. I find it helpful to have someone else near as a buffer.

If I need to bring up a sensitive topic, I try to do it in a public place like at church or in a restaurant or the gym as to protect against a blow up. I put uber on my phone in case I needed an escape route home. 

[tragedy or hope]

Bloomie, Mary,
Thank you so much. Great tools. Living most of my life not knowing what I was dealing with has made it a challenge to change my behaviors. I so appreciate giving responsibility back to the source and including other people... so wise.