Possible family funeral soon?

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blistering

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Possible family funeral soon?
« on: December 07, 2020, 09:27:36 PM »
So my Nmom just contacted me on facebook for the first time in 9 months to tell me my grandfather (not her father) is in the hospital, with both Covid and a heart attack, and probably won't make it. She asked if she should inform me how things go on or if I an aunt should do it instead. (My father is already dead btw.)

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. Let me first say that I am not particularly close with my grandparents, or anyone in my family for that matter. I haven't seen my Nmom in almost two years since a huge argument where I mostly cut contact. I haven't seen my grandparents for at least 3 or 4 years and haven't talked to them at all since. I made no attempts and neither did they. I have no contact to aunts, cousins etc either. While my mother is the only one who was ever really abusive, it always felt like I didn't really fit into the family, and like they also treated me a bit 'worse' than the other kids in the family because I was my mother's daughter and they didn't like her. When I moved out & away I was happy to leave anything from the past behind me and didn't make any attempts to stay in contact with any extended family. My feelings in general towards my childhood home and my family are very conflicted and awkward for me. And when I feel like that I tend to go into 'stone faced' mode where people get the impression that I don't care at all about what's going on. Also, noone knows about the abuse from my mother and so noone really knows why I am so cold towards family nowadays. They probably all think I just want nothing to do with them for no particular reason.

I'm not overly sad my grandfather will probably die soon, as cold as that sounds, he's had dementia for around 10 years and was hard to be around last I saw him and like I said we were never really close, it's a little sad but not overly. But I would probably come to the funeral? Which would require a longer journey and of course I would see my family and most importantly my Nmom. Like, it's gonna be incredibly awkward?

I don't even know what to answer my mother right now. Idk I just really don't want to face my family again. But he's never done anything wrong towards me so I don't wanna be an asshole who doesn't care at all or doesn't come to the funeral.  :-\ Anyone dealt with something like this? Any tips on how to go about it?
« Last Edit: December 07, 2020, 09:30:16 PM by blistering »

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2020, 10:47:17 AM »
From what I'm reading, you aren't close to any of these people. I wouldn't make a big effort to go to a service or funeral. Doesn't seem like there would be much reason to go. Do you think your nMom is contacting you about this just to have a way to open up communication? If you don't want this, don't do anything.

I'm wondering if there will even be a funeral during the ramped up Covid situation. I've heard most services are by video call. If you must answer her, I'd say you weren't overly close to him or the family and can't make it due to covid anyway.

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Starboard Song

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2020, 12:23:23 PM »
Quote
But I would probably come to the funeral? Which would require a longer journey and of course I would see my family and most importantly my Nmom. Like, it's gonna be incredibly awkward?

I don't even know what to answer my mother right now. Idk I just really don't want to face my family again. But he's never done anything wrong towards me so I don't wanna be an asshole who doesn't care at all or doesn't come to the funeral.  :-\ Anyone dealt with something like this? Any tips on how to go about it?

We never go to funerals out of respect for the dead: funerals are attended out of respect for the survivors, and to serve our own emotional needs for closure. Attending this funeral would do little, given the family situation, to make others feel better. And you don't seem to need the emotional closure. So not going, on its face, makes sense.

Announcing you aren't going is harder, and I think you lean on distance and the pandemic. I personally will not attend a wedding or funeral at this time. And I have skin in the game: my father is in poor health and is one of the finest people to ever walk the earth. I hope hope hope he holds it together until I think it is safe to console a woman who's been hugged by 50 church friends before I can even get there.

Be confident and calm: not defensive.

You needn't persuade: only to explain.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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JustKathy

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2020, 07:26:00 PM »
I don't even know what to answer my mother right now. Idk I just really don't want to face my family again. But he's never done anything wrong towards me so I don't wanna be an asshole who doesn't care at all or doesn't come to the funeral.  :-\

If you don't want to face your family again, I wouldn't put yourself through it. As Starboard Song said, funerals aren't for the deceased, they're for the living. It won't matter to your grandfather if you aren't there. I'm not sure how sick he is right now, but you could always try calling him and saying your goodbyes that way.

Depending on where he lives, and how bad Covid is in that area, there's a good chance that there won't be a funeral anyway. My husband just lost a former co-worker to Covid (he lived in Arizona) and the funeral was virtual.

If it were me, I'd decline to attend any in-person gatherings. It's not worth risking your own life to pay respects to someone who has already passed. If you have to give your mother a reply, I'd tell her just that. It's just not safe. Take care of YOU.
 :hug:

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blistering

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #4 on: December 08, 2020, 08:37:50 PM »
Yeah you're all right, but I can't really fight this feeling that I would regret it if I don't go. Well, that's assuming he does die. It's weird because I wasn't at all bothered by not seeing them for years, but now it makes me sad regardless. Maybe just because it's another part of childhood vanishing? Idk.

Funerals are currently being done here I think, just with the usual distance. I guess I will have to wait and see. I don't know if I should try to see him again. He already had dementia when I last saw him and I'm sure it's progressed a lot so I don't even know if he would recognize or remember me anyways. Maybe I'll try talking to my aunt for more information.

I'm so tired of dealing with family issues, it always just seems to bring grief. I just don't want to be bothered by this, although it's selfish.

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Ladymm

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2020, 01:02:27 PM »
blistering,

your situation is difficult. The fear of regret is what eats the brain of any distanced child of narcissists I suppose.

I will write you what I would do.

When I will be about to face such situations, I decided I will try to contact a therapist to support me, even every day if I will need to. Because I think the fear of regret can create a compulsion to go to the funeral. And I don't like compulsive triggers which force me to do what is expected from society.

However, as cliche as it might sound, the answer, I know, lays in me.  And I will better try to find it out quickly in those moments, and also find the right support to not feel shame or self judgement if I would be go, prey of the aformentioned compulsion.

Even writing this is painful!

I can't decide if you wear me out or wear me well
I just feel like I'm condemned to wear someone else's hell

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blistering

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Re: Possible family funeral soon?
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2020, 06:00:17 PM »
Well..my grandfather passed away today. And apparently an aunt (that I'm not close to at all) has a brain tumor as well.  :flat: Is it just me or is 'family' always just bad news on top of bad news? I'm so tired with this fucking topic.

Anyway, my Nmom of course used it to try and call me, and when I wrote to her that I don't want to talk to her and if she has something important to write me an email, she flipped out again and told me I'm being embarassing and she'll delete my number. Whatever. I guess I had such a long total break from her now (9 months almost) that I didn't really remember how annoying she is when she isn't getting what she wants. At least it has at once removed my idea that I might want to start talking to her again.

I have to digest the news a bit and tomorrow I will probably reach out to a cousin or something. Not looking forward to dealing with all that. However it will go.