Escalation and safety concerns

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi  - it's been quite some time since I visited and wanted to thank everyone who helped me to navigate through some difficult times and to thank those who continue to share their experiences and insight.

My apologies if this is long and in the wrong place, I don't know which category this fits into... At the moment, I am struggling again with an uNPD/APD from my past. Initially in the early years of our contact, I was love bombed, devalued and discarded repeatedly. I never felt so broken by another person before.. I have become more aware over the years... working more on myself, working with a psychotherapist and becoming more assertive overall. I waited some time before I started dating again and now am married to a wonderful, healthy person. Despite these life changes, this guy DOES NOT go away.

Years ago, when there was a long time between hoovers, I contacted him thinking he was an authentic person whom there could be a friendship with. He convinced me that he changed, went to therapy, took meds, etc,. But of course that was not the case and I was abused emotionally and gaslit again. The rest of the time, I was hoovered by him which has become more frequent during the last two years. I realized some time ago that he was not someone I could have any healthy connection with but have felt so frustrated in my attempts to cut him off. He wrote more when I tried to create subtle distance. When I blocked him, he used different accounts or phone numbers to get in touch/monitor me and went as far as to befriend my friends when the other tactics weren't working. I deleted all social media for a period of time and moved to another country but he was still able to find me there too. I asked for a restraining order when we moved back but I live in a country where a person needs to be charged before a RO would be issued. He needs to be convicted in order for me to get my personal information hidden by the authorities It feels like I am in a Catch 22 situation.

I am feeling quite ashamed and embarrassed to write that I allowed myself to get hoovered again this year. Covid and my general situation (new country and city, humble/developing support system, language barriers, etc) left me more vulnerable than I want. After discussion with my husband, I tried to grey rock and go VLC this year when I was hoovered. I started getting back to back messages demanding my whereabouts, the gender of who I was with, etc. I tried to change the subject and to just not reply at all when he did this, but it didn't work. I'd get a new message days later as if nothing happened. It got worse when he held onto something I bought.. This was just another PD game I let myself get into. For two weeks, I tried to make arrangements to either pick up the item or have it shipped. He refused then stopped responding. Finally when I said I would contact the police if he didn't send the item or send the money back, he was very quick to make arrangements. When I went to get the item, he confined and assaulted me. Completely unprovoked, there was no confrontation or conflict that day.. he just did it.

I filed a police report about what happened, waiting for a decision on the RO. We do not live in the same province but I am scared that now I've gone to the police and they are finally taking it seriously that he will harm my family or me. According to my advocate, it looks very likely that the matter will go to court which terrifies me even more. This whole situation just feels unreal to the point where I am struggling talking to my therapist and social workers about it because it just sounds too crazy. For the last couple of months, he has not contacted me. A huge relief but at the same time, him conveniently being on his best behaviour makes it difficult for the authorities and social workers to see him as threatening.

Has anyone dealt with a PD that escalated or become enraged when you took formal steps to protect yourself and cut contact? Should I take the lack of contact after reporting as a sign that he is finally going away? Any insight or recommendations for resources to read would be really appreciated.

[Penny Lane]

Hi, I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying.

This has never happened to me personally. But I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. It promotes trusting your instincts with potentially dangerous people. And it lays out when violence is likely to escalate. It might help you better predict violence if you have to interact with him again - which I really hope you don't.

I'm thinking of you and I really, really hope this is the last you will see of him.

[Phoenix Rising]

Hi, I'm so sorry, that sounds terrifying.

This has never happened to me personally. But I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear. It promotes trusting your instincts with potentially dangerous people. And it lays out when violence is likely to escalate. It might help you better predict violence if you have to interact with him again - which I really hope you don't.

I'm thinking of you and I really, really hope this is the last you will see of him.

Thank you so much for your reply and for the recommendation! I'll look for that book - I recognize that I don't really trust myself and a lot at the moment feels unreal. This book sounds like it can be really helpful. Thanks again

[clara]

Second the recommendation for The Gift of Fear.  It provides instructions on how to evaluate the risks in such a relationship and how to more accurately predict outcomes. 

Since you've signaled in the past your willingness to allow him to hoover himself back into your life, he's probably not going anywhere.  More likely he's giving you some breathing space hoping you let down your guard, then he'll come back, because that's what he does.  It's his behavior pattern, which isn't going to change.  Good luck with this!

[bloomie]

Phoenix Rising - What an ongoing and very real concern this all is for you. Along with The Gift of Fear here is a link to a threat assessment tool that may help shed some further light on the vulnerability.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com

And here are links to our emergency info: https://outofthefog.website/emergency

The above links to International resources as well.

It is great that you have an advocate in place. Can you work with them and find additional support and resources for dealing with all of this and for handling the potential of facing this person in court? Finding a trauma informed therapist and support group in real life may also be good self care moves. 

Building a network of support, including joining here for encouragement, is a very wise. My heart just aches at the thought of you having been harmed by this person. I am thankful you have reached out. Be especially careful as you share here to keep any identifying details obscured as you share.

As you are able please let us know how you are doing!

[Phoenix Rising]

Thank you both so much 

I placed an order for The Gift of Fear yesterday, hopefully it will come in before the year is through. I'm glad that it has been recommended so many times, seems like a promising read

Thank you Bloomie for the link to the assessment tool! The advocate is a lawyer who will help prepare me for court if it goes but does not provide any information on resources within the community. I am working with a therapist and social worker who have been helping me access more resources and develop a plan to stay safe.

This forum has always been helpful and a safe place to give and receive support from others who understand, I'm very thankful to be able to use it. I am safe now and trying to remain in the present. Thank you for thinking of me 

[GettingOOTF]

I have a similar issue with my ex husband in that he won't leave me alone. I've spoken to a few people including a therapist we both saw as a couple. They all agree that he will never go away, the most I can hope for is that the time between contact gets longer. This generally seems to be what's happening.

I will never be free of him because he won't find what he had with me with someone else. Today he has a job and is expected to contribute. When we were married he didn't work and I was responsible for everything. 

Part of the issue is that I allowed him to Hoover me back many times in the past so he knows if he just tries enough times he will get through to me because that's what my behavior has taught him. For years I tried to be "nice" and understanding hoping he'd get that message and leave me alone. They never ever get the message though. They are pursuing you for their own reasons. The only thing you can do is to stop all contact.

In The Gift Of Fear he says something like if someone calls you 30 times and you ignore them then you pick up the 31st call then you teach them that 31 calls is the number of calls they have to make to speak to you.

I looked into getting a RO against me ex. After speaking with a few people I decided against it. It would only engage him and show him he had my attention, which is exactly what he wants.

I do think there is a good chance my ex will become violent at some point but a RO won't help with that. They are going to do what they are going to do.  My ex has nothing to gain by leaving me alone and everything to gain by getting me back so of course he's going to keep trying. The reality that I want nothing to do with him doesn't sink in with him.  He wants what he wants, feels entitled to it and he's going to carry on until he gets what he wants. As he will never get me back he's going to be trying forever.

All I can do is be aware of my surroundings and continue not to engage him.