Boundary

[Ladymm]

Hi all,

as I wrote in another topic, a friend suffered a sad loss of their mother, this was in November.

I feel enmeshed with this friend. In the past many times she wasn't available for me to talk when I needed. I was sometimes also needy and she ignored me instead of putting me a boundary I feel .

Before the loss of the mother she sometimes doesn't write for two weeks than wants to meet and talk and even tells me I don't want to meet often. But for me meeting every two weeks was ok.

Now she called on tuesday and wanted to call on wednesday, but didnt and wants to call tomorrow. I don't feel comfortable to be honest, I ave this "to close" feeling. She also says I am her only friend etc. and I feel pressure. I feel like I am an emotional pillow, or a toy sometimes. so, as I wrote she said she will call me tomorrow.  I wrote her back that if she can please tell me if she needs to talk more often or if we can talk on Tuesday in calm .I have many things to do, even in quarantine - work, study etc and prefer to give quality time but also  honestly don't like to be interrupted at all times. I wasn't like this, I was "always there". I changed but feel healthier now.

My problem is I know she is grieving so something tells me I am a bit*** to suggest her what I wrote but I really don't like to guess what people feel and be there for them in every second. But honestly I feel my suggestion was healthy, but I am scared she will shrug me off and judge me for not being there. Also in terms of society and my family what  I suggested would be accepted as controversial.

Your views? thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

Just because someone wants something from you, does not mean you have to give it. It's ok to be honest and tell a friend that something does not suit you or that you have other plans or that you need more space. You can also say, I can listen to you for an hour, then I have to go. You can set the terms of this friendship and if this friend does not like your terms she can decide what to do.

[Ladymm]

Thank you notrightinthhead for your reply.

I just feel like I am doing something immoral because this friend is like grieving. But also maybe these emotions of obligation are just a construct - they are like when they toxically teach us about pity. I never naturally felt the pity toxic people talk about in real life. I felt sadness, felt empathy but never felt the dramatical pity. I think the dramatical pity is some kind of emotion they invent to manipulate. Like a point where you need to forget about yourself and enmesh with the other. So must be this obligation of "the other has emotional pain you need to serve him". Its very similar to pity, but I don't know how I would name it. If I can think of a name for it maybe I would be saved, like when they call the demons' names in exorcisms.