What to do, what to say

[desertpine]

It's been about 5 months since going low contact with my parents and NC with my UNPD sister. My parents and sister seem to be enmeshed so when my mother took offense at something I said, rather than tell me directly, she talked to them. As a result, my sister raged at me and my father pleaded with me to resolve my mother's hurt feelings. Not knowing what my mother was offended by, I reached out to her and asked that she talk to me directly rather than go through other family members. She declined- said she was too depressed and needed time before working things out, and that she had nothing to do with my sister's or father's actions.  I agreed to give her time and we agreed to go low-contact.  Since then, we haven't had contact with each other. My sister and I have mutually agreed to NC with each other. My father has emailed a couple of times, which is unusual since he normally doesn't write or call - he's very much a loner who keeps to himself. But this week i received a short note from my mother asking what she's done wrong and saying she wants to know so she doesn't do it again.
On the surface, this seems innocent enough but knowing she has both Ocpd and NPd traits, and the complexity of what happened this summer because of the triangulation, I do not trust it . I don't know what to say or do in response. She tends to have the narc response of denying she did anything wrong, but if she did do something then it wasn't her fault or not that bad, and once again it's framed as me judging her unfairly. And we are back at the beginning with my mother giving the silent treatment and my father telling me how I've again hurt her feelings.
I do not want to play this game anymore. I don't want to be cruel by not responding to her attempt to reach out but I really don't know how to respond. I see my T next week and will see what they think.  But would like some feedback from others who have been thru this too. Thx.

[Jolie40]

possibly wait to respond until after you talk to T?

OR talk to your mom first & then discuss that conversation when meet with T
let your mom guide the conversation as to what upset her?

[Hilltop]

So reading this I took it as your mother took offense to something you said, she told your sister and father, your sister raged at you and you asked your mother to talk to you rather than everyone else.  Your mother responded that she needed time to think before she talked to you.

Now she is asking you what she did wrong so she doesn't do it again.

Hmmm so she is trying to rewrite history, she has turned this around so that she blames you, in her mind she hasn't done anything wrong.

Interesting that she asked for time because with time she can deny everything.  If she talked to you at the time of it happening you would have a good case of pointing out her hurtful behaviour, with time passed, she can claim she forgot, that you don't remember right, she can gaslight.

If you want to talk to her I would bring it back to that point, that she took offense to something you said and she talked to your sister and you would like her to talk to you about problems between her and you.  I would remind her that she was the one who wanted time to think.

What you will probably get back is a whole heap of denying and blaming on her behalf but that is exactly what I would want to know.

I personally would be interested as this point to see what her response is, keep the conversation on her. If you remain calm and have questions ready to go that are neutral it would be interesting to see how she responds because if she does gaslight you then that may give you some insight moving forward to how your relationship with her will be.

The main thing is, don't get emotional, remain calm, be respectful.  Keep the conversation on the problem at hand that you simply want her to discuss issues she has with you, with you not everyone else.  That you still don't know what she was offended about.
Bring the conversation back to this point and don't let it stray to other topics.  If you find there are no answers after 20 mins then that is your answer.

I did this with my MIL and it did give me clarity about my relationship with her.  It wasn't an argument it was simply a conversation and once I saw the gaslighting and lying I knew no amount of talking would help.  If she had of talked to me honestly then to me there would have been hope for things to improve.  Of course it hurt at the time but the clarity was great.

At the end of the day you should be able to ask her what upset her and also tell her that you would like to be able to discuss problems between you, that is normal.  Do what feels comfortable for you though and perhaps you may want to talk to your therapist to work out how you want to word things before you speak to your mother.