Wish I’d known about this 30 years ago

[RAC46]

This site is an eye opener. I recently finished a book on BPD and NPD and could finally put a name to the traits and behavior I have experienced, first with my brother, and in the past 20 years, my younger sister.
Thing is, both of them are incredibly charismatic and can put on quite the show of normality when pressed.
As the oldest I have been both protector and enabler, taking my cue from my parents.
[size=78%] Brother had been prone to fits of anger and rage all his life,  and the rest of us just got sucked into the black hole of his neediness. [/size]
But since Dad was an only child, he impressed upon us how lucky we were to have each other. Sigh. He figured it out later, but died too soon to have much of an impact on the family dynamic, so it continued.
I watched my Mom become a doormat to my brother's instability until she finally admitted he was a lost soul. She died a few months later. Have been NC with bro pretty much since her death five years ago.
My sis and I have shared so many good times and are similar in so many ways, but I have been her scapegoat for anything wrong in her life. She rages, melts down, blames me for not doing more for her, and is manipulative and calculating. I feel so sorry for her but finally, after years of this irrational finger pointing and blame game, I said, enough and cut her off. For months. Then she went to my husband, my MIL, etc. I caved because of her kids. She went on antidepressants and kind of, sort of apologized. But not really. As usual. That detente lasted almost a year. Then she went off her meds.
I feel so triggered when her BPD raises its ugly head that I can't sleep, my heart starts racing and I am sick to my stomach. I am too old for this crap.
We are currently in retreat, but I am torn about renewing our relationship — again. But I love her and her kids so much.
Sorry for the long post. Am just working this all through. I always hoped she'd get past her demons and I am recognizing that it will never happen. I am grieving for her and for what will never be.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not alone and you have found a good place. Check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with your sister.

You might also consider telling your MIL and your husband that this time they should not allow themselves to be used as flying monkeys for your sister.  Ask them to support you and be on your side.

[RAC46]

Welcome! You are not alone and you have found a good place. Check out the Toolbox for strategies when dealing with your sister.


Thank you. I have found the Toolbox to be full of good strategies. My favorite is the three "C's": I didn't cause it; I can't cure it and I can't control it.

You might also consider telling your MIL and your husband that this time they should not allow themselves to be used as flying monkeys for your sister.  Ask them to support you and be on your side.



I should clarify here: husband and MIL absolutely supported me. Sis respects them both, and has known them since she was a child (We're 10 years apart) MIL told her to focus on fixing her own problems and that's when sis went to counseling and started taking meds again. It's when she decides she doesn't need them, which help stabilize her moods and delusions, that we have an issue. The only thing I can change now is my response, and this site and the books I have read has been quite useful.

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