Asked to keep BPD sister's suicide attempt a secret

[sophierhj]

Hi,

I'm really new here and this is my first post so I hope I am not breaking any rules by talking about self-harm? My younger sister recently attempted suicide and I was only just told 1 week after the fact, as I live in another country to the rest of my family. After the suicide attempt my sister was diagnosed with borderline PD, which I think has been a long time coming. My dad lives in the same city as her and has been supporting her through it, but to be honest he is not a very present parent and struggles with his own depression that makes him very self-focused most of the time.

As background: my sister has been VLC with my mum since she was 14 when she decided to live with my dad, who had been telling her for months that my mother was an unfit parent who was abusing her. My sister and mum had been fighting a lot which involved yelling and screaming from both sides, as my sister was stealing a lot of money from us, drinking, taking drugs and had completely stopped attending school, which really freaked my mum out as she was only 12/13 at the time.

My sister and my dad have forbade me from telling my mum about the attempt. I know it would be a huge breach of trust to tell her anyway, so I am not going to do that, but my mum and I are close, often in contact, and she is one of the main people I go to for support with emotional upheaval. I am on the other side of the world from my family, completely alone. My mum messaged me this morning excited about some good news in her life, and I feel absolutely miserable trying to deal with this by myself, and miserable knowing how hurt she will be when she eventually finds out some way or another and realises that everyone else knew the whole time.

I'm at a complete loss for what to do and what is "right" in this situation. Should I attempt to talk to my dad and tell him I really think my mum should know? My sister will only communicate via FB message. So I could try to write to her but often she will not reply if the conversation isn't going in a direction she cares for. I really have no idea what to do and how to get by knowing this information and having no one to turn to.

[Hepatica]

Dear sophierhj,

I just want to say hi and well done for reaching out. This forum is really great and it helps so much when you are alone with a problem.

I also want to express to you how sorry I am that you are placed in this position, whether to tell, or not to tell. I cannot give you the answer and I wish I could.

The only thing I can think is that this is not yours. Whatever happens with your sister and with your mother is not yours. But I do understand that you have this hot potato sitting in your hand and what next? What a terrible situation. The only thing that I can think is that secrets that are kept in the dark are unhealthy things. If you do tell your mother, how all of the other people react is not yours to fix though. You did not create these problems and you cannot fix them. Don't worry about having to fix anything involved in this.

The serenity prayer is so excellent at times. You cannot control your sister's will to live. You cannot control your father's choices. You cannot control your mother's reaction. The only thing you can do is look inward and decide what feels like the action or non-action that has the most integrity. If you keep this information about your sister to yourself, that is OKAY. Finding the choice that feels best for you is what matters. What you decide is up to you. If you do share this and your father and sister react badly, too bad for them. You have been placed in a very difficult position.

This is an opportunity to dig deep into your own self-care. Do you have a therapist? Do you have any support outside this family dynamic? This forum is a great start and I wish you well. Healing from these types of family disorders really is possible.

Please be compassionate to yourself. This must be scary for you as well. Take care of that part of you that sad and afraid by this news. But as Starboard says: Be Good and Be Strong.

We are here to listen.

[Call Me Cordelia]

What a sad situation. I'm so sorry. It sounds like all four of you have a LOT of pain. It's clear the knowledge of your sister's suicide attempt and BPD diagnosis is a burden for you. I agree you are in the right place, although I do hope you have in real life support outside your parents. I think Hepatica's post is very good, so my thoughts certainly echo hers, just a few additional thoughts.

Have you had a chance to look at the toolbox yet? I think your stuff/my stuff is applicable here.

Do you mind sharing how old your sister is? If she is still a minor/your mother has some responsibility for her if it would make a difference? I'm not sure how sharing this information would be YOUR responsibility, even if you don't agree with keeping your mother in the dark.

[sophierhj]

Thank you so much to both of you for your kind words. My sister is 27, so has been an adult for a while now. It has been a recurring theme that she keeps information a secret from my mum and shares it suddenly during arguments with her. She has certainly been through a lot for a young person and I understand she may have difficulties sharing about her struggles, but she will often only reach out to my mum when she needs money, then cut off contact again and accuse my mother of trying to buy her love.

You are correct in that there is a lot of pain among all of us. One of the reasons I am so conflicted is that my mother is not and was not the perfect parent, and I am afraid that my reality is not my sister's reality. I read a lot in forums like this people talking about flying monkeys and siblings enabling their disordered parents. I am terrified of becoming one of these people without realising. Because of this fear, I have up until now kept all of my sister's secrets even when I really felt that my mum should know (e.g. after my sister was raped, after she broke her back, etc.). However, this time I can feel I am being pushed beyond my limits of what I can handle keeping to myself.

I also don't feel my dad is any real help. He feels that now she is out of hospital and seeing a psychologist once a week things are going to get better. He also thought he was helping my sister by relating to her about his own suicidal thoughts and behaviours. He encourages the narrative that my mum is "crazy" and that it's a good idea to not tell her. I will say my mum can be very reactive and there is a chance if she finds out she will try to contact my sister or my dad by for example repeatedly calling them and texting them (it will be repeatedly because neither of them will pick up or answer her). I know she feels very angry and sad at being kept out of the loop because she feels as a parent she should know when something is wrong with her child and be able to offer her support. This is the type of behaviour my sister despises and she will take it as further confirmation that my mum is toxic and should be kept away from her. I don't want to make the situation worse but I am heartbroken for my mum and my sister, and terrified of what will happen if there is no real support around my sister.

Edited to add: I have a counsellor here who I see occasionally who is familiar with my family background. I have reached out to her and am waiting to hear back about a possible appointment. I have also reached out to friends - the only problem there is that none of them have this type of family background and I sometimes find it difficult trying to discuss problems like these. I will check out the toolbox, thank you

[sandpiper]

This caught my eye just as I was about to head out the door, so I will just add, what they said 
My eldest sister has a long history of self-harm and so did my father.
The only thing that I have to add to this is that people who self-harm can on occasion harm others. Dad started off as someone who self-harmed but that escalated as his illness got worse. The other thing is, anyone who is likely to be around her and find her when she self-harms has the right to know her history. I was severely traumatised by being the one who found my father when he tried to kill himself. And I have friends who were devastated when a family member died by suicide and they didn't know the history of self-harm. That can set up a really toxic legacy for a family to deal with, if the self-harm is repeated.
My Nsister made a practice of hiding all of uBPDsister's episodes of self-harm and in the end that is what destroyed all of our relationships - the secrecy was toxic. And it was always about the game of who had the power, in the shape of knowledge.
I would be saying to members of you family, 'If you don't want me to tell mother something, then don't tell me. I'm not keeping your secrets, it puts me in an extremely difficult position and in future if you tell me something with the caveat 'Oh but don't tell such and such' I will be making my own decisions about whether or not I think this is something that X has the right to know.'
I think you have to consider the possibility that someone else is likely to pass this information on to your mother and then she will come at you with 'Did you know about this?' And it's simply designed to sabotage your relationship with your mother.
Been there, with my family.
I'm glad you are looking at an appointment with a T.
The bottom line is that disordered FOO will always ask you to participate in their dysfunctional behaviour, and you have the right to follow your own ethics and live with your own boundaries around that. You just have to do some thinking and work out what those boundaries are.
I hope that helps.
If people want to keep secrets that is their business. When they charge you with keeping their secrets, it is up to you want to do with that. It's like someone hands you a box full of dynamite and says 'Hold onto this'. You aren't obliged to hold it just because Daffy Duck said so. You can chuck it in the bushes and let it explode or you can hold onto it and wait for it to blow up in your face.
Unfortunately there's always another game where FOO will set you up in a no-win situation and it is tricky to work out how to deal with these. Good luck xxx

[sophierhj]

Thank you Sandpiper, you are spot on about the secrets being a game of power. Both my sister and my dad have had many health scares and traumatic events happen throughout our lives and they make it a habit to withhold the information that then always comes out at the most random times. My dad once took my ex boyfriend aside at a celebratory dinner and told him a story about how my mother had tried to have me aborted twice but couldn't go through with it. That was the first I'd ever heard of it! Let alone my poor ex.

I know for sure my mother will eventually find out, possibly from my sister telling her somewhere down the line (could be months or years). Which is perhaps why I feel there is a pressure to decide what to do now, so I don't live with the guilt of knowing I kept this from her. It happened already earlier this year when my sister finally shared about an abortion she had over a year ago that she considers traumatic as she was pressured into it by her boyfriend at the time. My mum asked me if I had known about it and I was honest and said yes but I felt I did not have a right to tell her. Thankfully my mother and I are very close and although I think she was likely hurt by this she didn't hold it against me, however she was very angry at my dad for not saying anything. This is awful for both my mother and I but I feel we have up until now accepted that my sister "knows what's best for her".

You've added an interesting perspective that I hadn't considered before that I may in fact be doing what I feared which is playing into my family's dysfunction. I had been worried about playing into my mother's dysfunction but I can see how I am partaking in the exact behaviour I hate from my sister and father by allowing them to tell me secrets that I don't pass on. I think I had previously felt that I needed to keep the lines of communication open because otherwise my mother and I would never be told anything, and I felt it was better if one of us knew. But I can see I am inadvertently setting myself up to be in a position of holding this "power". And what have I been keeping the communication open for if I then turn around and withhold it from my mother?

The only problem I have is how do you know that you're not just playing into another family member's dysfunction? I find it very difficult to describe my mother in all this. I love her a lot but she has also at times behaved in completely inappropriate ways. Although she has it much more under control now, she used to drink a lot  when I was a teenager and, separate to the drinking, would occasionally have angry outbursts, mostly yelling about how much we stressed her out and how difficult it was to raise us (she was a single parent).
Just as an example, I never saw it but according to my dad and my sister she wrote a huge drunken rant on my dad's facebook page, after my sister turned 21 and didn't invite her to her party. My mum never told me about this and the only thing I heard from her was "your sister isn't speaking to me again". Literally every member of my family lies to me about the others and I am completely confused about whose version of events to believe. All that I know right now is that my mum loves my sister deeply and would do anything she could to help if she knew what had happened. But what if I'm betraying my sister by sharing personal information with someone she considers a toxic influence on her life?

[Hepatica]

hi sophierhj,

I think to simplify all of this is to ask yourself one question: How does this make you feel?

I would feel pulled in three different directions by people who are continually falling apart. This takes its toll. It so difficult to heal if you remain attached and involved in their crisis.

You deserve some peace. It's really okay to let them handle their problems while you take a breather. This may mean making some choices to set boundaries about what they share with you, or reducing contact.

[Andeza]

I've just read through this and want to say: Your sister is not the only one with problems. I encourage you to take a long step back from the tangled mess of who knows what, who is holding what information to later hurt somebody else with it, etc, and just breathe. Your sister's actions, at leas this most recent one, is very much in line with BPD. BPD also seeks to create as much drama as possible, frequently from nothing if necessary. My own mother is uBPD, and I've seen it all firsthand. Yes, even this. It sucks! Majorly, and you're allowed to feel that. It's okay to say it. This whole situation stinks from top to bottom. Right now, you need time to focus on you. After my mother made a suicide attempt, I lived with PTSD for months after. Nightmares, auditory hallucinations, high high anxiety levels even at times I should have been able to relax, etc. I was also deeply in the FOG at that time, and it just made everything worse.

I've been there. You're not alone. But I know firsthand you have healing to do. Right now, the right thing, is to focus on yourself for a bit. We'll help as we're able, but definitely talk to your counselor/therapist if you've got one. After you heal you, then it will be time to evaluate your family relationships, but right now is not that time. Right now, everything is colored by trauma and nothing looks right. I advise distance, lowered contact, and self healing work right now.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi sophierhj - I'm so sorry you're going through this situation. It sounds so layered and complex, and I'm sure I don't even have a full grasp of all the dynamics at play....I can't even imagine.

Lots of great advice from others here ... One thing I notice is that you're kind of the glue holding everyone together, a go-between, and trying to help everyone with downright truth, honesty, and concern for their well-being (when your PD family and most PDs, for that matter, just don't go about things this way). You're kind of in the role of trying to please everybody.

I was in that position years ago, and it's one where I was quickly and dramatically flipped into the scapegoat by everyone else when I started focusing too much attention on my own needs and boundaries "openly" (stepped out of the "taking care of everybody/go-between" role). I don't want to say be careful, but ... Be careful! Your M sounds reasonable and your sisters' boundaries with her sound legitimate, too, but I also thought my M was reasonable and that my own uPD sister had boundaries with *her* and found her toxic. It still all shifted to me in a heartbeat, when I was too vocal with "um, but what about me?"

That said, you do need boundaries....and if I were in your shoes knowing what I know now, this is how I might go about it.

#1: The secret thing is a minefield, but I think there's a way through it: a secret is a secret. That means you don't tell anyone and you take it to your grave, that's how you honor a secret to the utmost and in the most honorable way. Be neutral. You don't need to tell your mother because you're doing the honorable thing by your sister, and if sister insists M is toxic, then your calm response is "I kept your secret because I have utmost respect for you and I love you, and respect your wishes, and how you feel about M (don't say this with M around obviously). People give me secrets, I keep them."

It's possible sister is trying to turn you into a flying monkey on your M. If she throws the secret out to light to M and F as fodder again, and your M is shocked and approaches you about you knowing all along, you tell her "I kept sister's secret because I have utmost respect for her and I love her. A secret is a secret." I'd stick to those lines. Doing things this way is honorable, and despite what you feel and what you think is best about what to do with that info, a secret is a secret...and your sister is an adult who can figure out how to communicate better on her own and reach out to the proper people for help. You don't need to take care of her this way, she's all grown up.

#2: Grey rock or medium chill on anything and everything in between. I'd read the toolbox on what those approaches are. (And also what flying monkeys are.)

#3: Very slowly, slowly, slowly distance yourself and take yourself out of the situation altogether, especially of being an information contact point with sister. Avoid situations where your sister can indulge things like this to you, just plug the information at its source, but don't make a show of it or a thing of it at all. It's clearly a burden for you and it's almost like a grenade, too. You hold it in your hands and it's only a matter of time it might blow up. If you can try to keep conversations light, short, and on other things, change the subject, and if she brings up heavy things maybe tie a knot by saying "I really hope you're finding a lot of healing. My therapy and been great for that. So what's new with....?"

Good luck...this is such a tricky situation and I relate.

[sophierhj]

Thank you all for your replies. I am still waiting to hear back from my therapist but in the mean time am doing some of the anxiety exercises she taught me, and I have reached out to friends nearby to spend some time with them. I am still unsure about how to handle the above situation with my family going forward but I don't feel as much urgency to figure it out as I did yesterday. I have a trip booked back home early next year which is perhaps looming in the back of my mind as a type of "deadline" for having figured everything out. But I know that is likely my own anxiety talking.

I've read through the toolbox and can see I have already instinctively been doing some of the healthy things with my sister over the years, but also some of the unhealthy things as well. I am already very low contact with my sister and my father and will likely continue to be. I will keep reading through the forum and hopefully get a time to see my therapist soon. Thank you all for your helpful input.

[sandpiper]

It is tricky.
I think it's more than the actual self-harm episodes, it's about removing yourself from the drama triangle.
Google the Karpman Drama Triangle. I found that it really helped to read a lot about that and then to stop and reflect and write, when necessary, about your own situation.
It depends how much time you want to give to it.
I often quote the line about enmeshment - when someone who is codependent dies, they see someone else's life rush before their eyes.
And it's about learning to create change so that you can step back when a situation is unfolding and say 'Woh. Not my circus, not my monkeys.'
So at this stage I don't think it's about saying something to your mother - I think it's about setting boundaries with the people who are intent on co-opting you to get on their drama carousel. When I was still in contact with my sisters, they got really hissy with me every time I'd put my hand up to say 'Sorry, oversharing, if you want to say something about X then please don't because X can speak for himself if he/she wants me to hear that.'
It's really hard because PD FOO just do not have healthy boundaries and having been raised inside that, it's a constant source of confusion trying to find your way through that maze. It's like being equipped with a faulty compass when you're trying to find your way out of the forest.
All I can say is that as you learn more about boundaries and healthy communication, it does get easier.
I had a relative tell me that she'd considered aborting her second child and sometimes she thinks that her life and her marriage would have been easier if she hadn't bowed to pressure from her husband to keep the child. That kid has obviously inherited all of the baggage from that decision but I wouldn't ever tell him that she said that, and at the time I looked at her, knowing what my PD FOO are like, and I thought 'Is this a test and a trap? You're waiting to see if I contact your child to say 'you know your mother never wanted you' - because that is the kind of crap that happens inside my family. I just stopped and thought to myself 'You know what? I'm deleting that one.'
My advice would be, you need to tell your sister and your father that when they charge you with keeping secrets from your mother, it puts you in an extremely uncomfortable and perhaps an untenable position. And from this point on it's for the best that they don't ask you to be the gatekeeper for their secrets.
And from here on if you are with them and you suspect they're trying to invite you to play 'Sides' or some other fun little power game, hold up your hand and say 'Stop. If this is another one of those 'secrets' that you expect me to keep, this is the reminder that if it's a secret then I shouldn't know it, either.'

[Phoenix Rising]

Sorry to read about this, this can be difficult to navigate but it's not impossible.

One thing that stuck out for me was a lack of boundaries for those involved. Your family members should not be putting you in a position where you feel torn between each of them, or in other words, forced to take sides. News on your sister's suicide attempt, IMO, should not be spread like gossip (unless she chooses to do so on her own, herself).

I think it's important in this kind of situation to create and enforce boundaries, that way you protect yourself and don't get sucked into other people's issues. Although this information has fallen into your lap, it is not your burden to carry. Having boundaries, saying no to hoovers and drama is perfectly OK and a form of self-care. It doesn't mean you love your family members less.

I have an uPD grandparent who likes to try and offload family gossip, pit family members against each other, call non-stop and demand I pick up right away, etc,. I couldn't change her but I could change the way I interact with her and my own reactions. Last year, I started reading posts on the forum and the pages of the website... got a lot of amazing strategies for having and enforcing boundaries. Now I barely get any calls from her and when I do, I am able to use those strategies to redirect or shorten the interactions. I've shown her that I am not a dumping ground for other people's nonsense and that I answer the phone on my schedule.

I hope you will continue to visit the forums and that your counsellor will reach out to you soon. I understand how difficult it can be to try and explain PD behaviours and the family dynamic to those who are unfamiliar themselves.

GL!