How do you survive the honeymoon?

[errorglobal]

My partner expresses some serious BPD behavior (see my intro post...).  Everything from splitting and emotional self-flagellation to rages and emotional/physical abuse.  I am getting better at disconnecting/grey rock/medium chill when they go through their more violent emotional periods, but I don't know how to maintain my sense of reality during the honeymoon phases.  My understanding of my situation feels so inconsistent because they are so inconsistent.

I am so so ready to forgive and forget, and to try to move on, explain away, or blame myself.  I have very serious caretaker/rescuer impulses and it took me years acknowledge the abuse and more years to figure out that it probably comes from their uBPD.  I have conditioned myself to let things go as fast as possible and always try to take care of my SO's emotional needs.  It doesn't help that my partner is a genuinely wonderful person when they aren't in the middle of an episode.  In some ways, its almost easier when they are consistently hard on me because then I can understand what's happening, protect myself, and keep thinking about how to extract myself from the situation.  When they are wonderful, I can't help but reengage.

So, how do you survive the honeymoon and hold onto your sense of who your partner is?  We are on day 2 or 3 of a honeymoon right now and I am already blocking out everything that happened earlier this month...

[11JB68]

I go through this with uocpdh. He really can be very pleasant when everything is going his way and he's in a good mood. Peaceful periods can last quite a while with only minor issues arising.
What I've learned since starting to come Out of the FOG is to stay in guard during these times. Enjoy the peace but remain vigilant. Don't let my guard down too much. Maintain some degree of medium chill, since it seems like the more 'real' I am around him the more volatile he will become... And if I let my guard down then I allow myself to be really blindsided when things go south.... Which they will eventually.

[SeaBreeze]

 

It took me a several years of work to learn not to be affected by uNPDh's bad moods. It then took a few more to learn not to be affected by his GOOD moods. In other words, I now maintain medium chill ALWAYS. Because of this, I've come to recognize just how fake and manipulative his "nice" behaviors are, and so am less surprised and better prepared when the other shoe ultimately (always) drops. (However, as 11JB68 says, I certainly appreciate the peace and relative calm when H is having a good day or week!)