Telephone calls as a means of control

[Sneezy]

I think the best invention, ever, was the answering machine.  I really hate the idea that if the phone rings, you must answer it.  Where did this idea come from?  I suppose from the days before answering machines when, if the phone rang, you had to run across the house and answer it or you would never know who was calling and what they might want.

The problem I am having with telephone calls is that my mom calls whenever she is bored or has some question that has popped to the top of her head or she just wants attention.  Yesterday, she called because she wanted to watch a particular TV show and could I tell her what channel it was on?  After she left two messages, I texted her back the channel.  But that wasn't good enough.  She had to call again, after the show was over, to see if I had watched it.  WHY???  I hate the sound of a ringing phone.  I don't like to chit-chat endlessly about nothing. 

It's also just the tone of her voice on the phone.  Like I am obligated to answer because she called.  And I can't hang up too soon because she has such very important questions to ask.  And I am a bad daughter because I won't entertain her via telephone whenever she is bored.

I do try to call mom at least twice a week, plus see her once a week. That is all I can handle right now. 

The other thing she does, when I do call, is she will answer and rudely say "I can't talk now - call me in 30 minutes."  So now it's all about her demand to call at a specific time.  I've tried explaining to her that she should let her phone go to voicemail if she can't talk because she makes people feel bad when she is abrupt with them and says she can't talk (she does this to others and has hurt people's feelings with her rude tone).

I know this is all about control and it is a boundary issue and the answer is simple - I just need to stop answering the phone and stop calling back.  But why does this get me so upset?  What is it about telephones that keeps me awake at night wondering if I handled it correctly or maybe should have called back?  I feel like I am really over-reacting, but I can't figure out why this is upsetting me.

[Sidney37]

Sneezy
I can totally relate and you have every right to be irritated.  It is a form of control and so PD.

I hated it.  My PDm wanted at least 2 calls a day.  Back when my husband was working in his office and she knew he wouldn't be home to hear these constant phone calls, she called about everything all day long like your mom.  Once (pre-covid) he started working from home irregularly, she refused to call and insisted that I call her multiple times a day.  She knew he'd think something about these calls was unreasonable.  If I didn't call at the exact right time for her, she'd answer with a sigh and an annoyed "WHAT? Call me later.  I'm busy"!  It was so annoying and abusive now that I know better. 

When she was out shopping (I should have magically read her mind from 10 hours away and known she was shopping and to answer the phone), she'd call and leave an angry voicemail message because I didn't answer he phone.  She would have seen the perfect gift for her GC grandchild (my oldest child) and needed to know that exact second if we already had it or what size.  She'd leave passive aggressive messages about how she'd just not but anything ever again if I couldn't be bothered to answer the phone.  When I didn't know any better, I'd call and plead with her to go back and buy the item.  She was stunned and angry when I actually told her that it was fine if she didn't buy any gifts ever again, 

I have a list of reasons and issues with how manipulative her demands for calls on her terms were.  I list a job over it because she demanded that I call at exactly 5Pm daily after she was off work and I was still at work.  Punishments were threatened by her and I was young.  I didn't know any better. 

My NC began due to boundaries over the phone calls.  I stopped calling daily.  She refused to call me.  I started calling twice a week and she flipped out.  It snowballed and she got madder and madder.  Her threats for attention became unreasonable and probably unforgivable. 

I realized it upset me because of the threats of punishment if I didn't answer the calls, make the calls, say the right things on the calls. Even if the punishments weren't explicitly expressed, they were implied and I knew I'd pay the price for not handling them her way. 

[Sneezy]

Thanks Sydney37 - You are right, it is the implied threat of punishment that is bothering me.  Which almost sounds silly, because what exactly am I afraid of?  I think I'm afraid that she will have a meltdown.  In the past, increasing phone calls have meant that mom is gearing up for one of her episodes of despair or rage (or both).  So when she keeps calling, I feel afraid that that's where we're headed.  And some part of me thinks that if I handle the phone calls perfectly, then mom won't fly off the handle. 

Also, I'm just not a telephone person.  I see phone calls as an interruption.  Unless it's my kids or someone I really want to talk to, I'd rather text or email, and that's ok.  It's just how I am.

It's becoming apparent to me lately that I need to focus on this fear that I have.  I think I've done an ok job figuring out the O part, as in what I am and am not obligated to do.  And I'm working on the G part, as in trying not to feel guilty every time I don't put everyone else first.  But I haven't really faced the F part.  I live too much of my life in fear of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing.  I suppose that's normal for those of who were raised by PDs. 

[Boat Babe]

Controllers got to control. They will use anything, and anybody.

How dare anyone, let alone your mum, try to control you using the unholy trinity of fear, obligation and guilt. This is abuse. You do not deserve this, nobody does.

I hope you can have a FOG free Xmas Sneezy, with the people who love you.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, my parents use the phone as control too.  It has become weaponized.  Now I hear my phone ring and still get a physical reaction like nausea. A couple years ago I decided I was only going to call them once a week. When I stopped answering every call, they got more incensed and called even more. I let their voicemails just pile up. One particular day my dad left 10 angry voice mails, and repeatedly called my cellphone, the land line, and then tried my husband's cellphone.  Each message was angrier than the previous one.  In his words, I lacked "the common courtesy" to just answer the phone and he was "tired of my Bulls***".   He never thought he was being overbearing and inappropriate. He never thought he looked like a lunatic.  They never changed. All it did was repel me even further away.  I increased my boundaries of VVVVVLC.  I let all their calls and voicemails go unanswered until I feel ready to reply.     
               
I now only call them every other month. I know they hate it and claim to not understand, but I do not JADE.  I gray rock and back off.  I block their phone, and only check for voicemails to make sure nobody has died in between my call timeframe. They did back off a bit to now only calling once or twice a week, but their messages are still angry and blameful. I stop listening to the message when I realize nobody is dying. I do not expect they will ever behave any better.   

   

[Sneezy]

Now I hear my phone ring and still get a physical reaction like nausea.

Same here - that's what seems strange to me.  How can something as innocent as a telephone ringing make me feel physically ill?  The phone has become weaponized, as you say.  And Mom knows I won't answer just to talk, so now she comes up with reasons or problems.  She will leave a message about some problem she is having that she thinks I must call her about to fix.  Sometimes, when I don't call back right away, she can't even remember what the problem was, so I know she's just making up reasons to call.

Boat Babe -

Controllers got to control. They will use anything, and anybody.

That is the truth.  Mom just called (again) and left yet another message about some trivial problem that must be solved immediately.  I'm not going to call back.  Kind of curious to see what she does next. 

[FlowerPot]

Oh yes. The reaction I had when the phone went was  awful.

We got a call screening device so people had to say who it was before I answered  then at least I knew who it was.

Now the NPD mum has passed on, I no longer have a landline at home - I found that that reaction was still there, I just stick to mobile on vibrate only and that means the heart rate / nervous remains intact

[blues_cruise]

I really dislike telephone calls and unless a call is planned I find it very intrusive and stressful. The shrill ring of a phone triggers my C-PTSD like nothing else, it's like nails down a blackboard for me. It's very validating to read that others have this reaction too.

My father used to call past 10pm some nights  and would be angry if I didn't answer. He would leave me passive-aggressive messages on my answering machine where he wouldn't actually leave a message to me, it would just be the sound of him huffing and complaining to his wife saying things like "she never answers the phone" (gaslighting - not true), then hanging up. My heart would sink whenever I got home to find a message from him, It was really horrible.

For a PD person the telephone is an ideal tool to gaslight and emotionally abuse someone. It's one on one and verbal only, so lots of 'fun' to be had with disapproving tones of voice and passive-aggressive putdowns which can't be proven or witnessed by anyone else. My father also did this thing where he would start having a conversation with his wife in the middle of the call, would put me on speaker phone randomly and would pretend that he couldn't hear me properly. Just basically anything to waste time and try to degrade me. I think people with certain forms of PDs love using social obligation as a means of control, so the phone is ideal for them.

It was my father resenting my boundaries with phone calls that led to no contact in the end. I was getting upset and anxious over them to the point that I was becoming physically ill and told him that I would only communicate in person (with my husband present), by text or email in future. He went off on one and couldn't accept losing this well-loved direct supply and means of control over me and that was that. Even if we were to reconnect in some form in the future there is no way I am ever enduring a phone call with him ever again.

More generally, I feel like telephone calls are becoming pretty dated and the expectation to drop everything and answer a call is quite egotistical. I think older people in particular can have a hard time grasping this because they're still holding on to social values of pre-internet communication where phoning or visiting in person were the only direct ways to get hold of someone. I feel stressed out with how 'available' we are expected to be nowadays. Once upon a time it was just a landline and that was straightforward. Now it's juggling phone calls, social media, text messages, emails...all with the boundaries between work and social life becoming increasingly blurred. I feel like it's too much really. My brain's wired in such a way that I struggle with spontaneous telephone conversation too and much prefer to have some time to process anything that's asked of me. Two hundred years ago you would have to write a letter and it was a nice, personal, respective way to touch base with someone (an introvert's dream!) I feel like email is a good compromise. 

Now I hear my phone ring and still get a physical reaction like nausea.

Same here - that's what seems strange to me.  How can something as innocent as a telephone ringing make me feel physically ill?  The phone has become weaponized, as you say.  And Mom knows I won't answer just to talk, so now she comes up with reasons or problems.  She will leave a message about some problem she is having that she thinks I must call her about to fix.  Sometimes, when I don't call back right away, she can't even remember what the problem was, so I know she's just making up reasons to call.

Boat Babe -

Controllers got to control. They will use anything, and anybody.

That is the truth.  Mom just called (again) and left yet another message about some trivial problem that must be solved immediately.  I'm not going to call back.  Kind of curious to see what she does next.

That sounds so frustrating. My mother in law used to ring my husband several times a day but is nowhere near as bad as she used to be. My husband stopped answering her endless calls and trained her that it was pointless to hit the redial button constantly because he would only answer when convenient for him. She even rang his workplace number to get hold of him in the middle of the day to talk about nothing which I think was a big boundary violation.  He's actually more likely to answer now that she's toned it down in case it is a genuine emergency. I think you're on the right track with making your mother wait, you need and deserve to have that boundary in place.

[SunnyMeadow]

Good topic Sneezy! Sadly so many of us can relate. You say it's the tone of your mother's voice and wow, I totally get this. My mother also has a tone and it makes me angry. Hers is part angry, part exasperated that I didn't pick up immediately. "Sunnymeadow, ... pause ... sigh... call meeee as soon as you can... sigh.. then I delete the voicemail and just call because I can't listen to that voice. She will perk up once I call and she has an audience but the voicemail? I can't listen. Or even better, I don't even listen to the vm and call her back when I can.

Sneezy, you said you call twice a week and see her once a week, that's way more than enough! Is there any way possible to cut down one of those things? I've been cutting back with phone calls and only see her once a month...yay! She doesn't mind texting or emailing so that's good for me. I don't have to hear her voice and detailed poor me crap. She still texts the waify stuff but it doesn't have the impact of listening to her voice.

Blueberry Pancakes said she gets a physical reaction to the phone ringing, me too! I actually put my mother's texts on silent because I wanted my text tone to be from people who don't cause me anxiety. Now I know my text sound isn't from her so I don't have that anxious feeling. Also I don't see her texts right away either, which is so nice!

[SparkStillLit]

My mom is a huge phone user and voice mail leaver. The sound of my cell, no matter what I change the ringtone to, is triggery. I leave it on vibrate these days.
I ignore the zillion calls and vms until I feel like it. If I haven't the strength for voice conversation, I reply in text or email. She will not reply in kind, she will read those formats, call again, and leave more voicemails, which will be ignored till I'm ready. She hasn't really learned anything at all, but *I* have learned how to manage it so I don't stress out.
While I was doing this, the usual barrage of calls was upped and the waifyness of the vms increased, and the "concernedness". She also bombed the rest of the family's phones, INCLUDING daughter who is in the Army. FFS. Everyone pretty much ignored. She definitely didn't get any supply or answers. Son's a teen and doesn't have time for that level of nonsense. Daughter was at WORK (whatever they do) and in field and is two timezones away. Dh never answers her unless it's urgent.
Every time I answer in person, the phone calls step WAAAAYYYYY UP. Like, she will call back within minutes, several times.
Back on ignore.

[Sidney37]

I'm not sure if this will help anyone, but it helped me a bit.  Back when we were still communicating, I changed the ring tone for my PDM on my home cordless phone and my cell phone to a totally different ring exclusive just to her.  My home cordless phone had about 10 choices, which allowed me to choose a tone just for her based on the caller ID that was the silliest of them all.  Somehow it lessened the irritation that I felt about it being her when I knew she'd hate the ring I had picked for her.

The one on my cell phone got attention every time it rang.  It actually made my friends and even strangers laugh out loud.  I changed her custom ring to the very obvious instrumental theme of Darth Vader from Star Wars.  It gave me a sense of amusement and power over the calls.  Strangers would actually laugh when they heard the ring and sheepishly ask who it was.  I'd tell them it was the ring for my mother.  I didn't need to say anything else.  You could tell by the look that they understood.   I got some weird satisfaction out of seeing Darth Vader in my head instead of her face when the phone rang.  It probably helped that she hates any space/fantasy/sci-fi movies and shows and I was expected to hate them, too.

[SunnyMeadow]

theme of Darth Vader from Star Wars.  It gave me a sense of amusement and power over the calls.   

This made me laugh, what a great idea!!

[SparkStillLit]

I have absolutely done that before! Maybe I should give that a re-think!! It is rather hilarious.

[Andeza]

Oooh, the Imperial March, why didn't I think of that? I worked with a guy who made the ringtone for his boss a laughing baby. That way he'd, theoretically, always sound happy when he answered his boss.

I have made the move of changing certain people's ringtones to silent. They have no respect for the fact that 6AM is too early to text, especially when I have an unsnoozable alarm (a toddler) at 7:30ish.

When I was still in contact with uBPDm, I would swipe ignore when I was at work. Usually, it took a few tries before she would finally leave a message and stop. Had a trucker in fits of laughter one day over it. I was training him and just kept absently swiping the phone off. He asked who it was, turned pale when I said it was my mom. He informed me I was braver then he was. She'd always leave that "I don't want to bother you" in the message too, and I'd think "then stop calling when you know I'm working!" I told her my hours, repeatedly, to no avail. As I lowered contact, I would never respond the same day. It would always be the next day, or two days later. Funny how they don't take the hint and just up the ante instead of backing off a bit.

Regardless, it is their way of making us, or trying to make us, hop to and cater to them. Ridiculous.

[Sidney37]

Oooh, the Imperial March, why didn't I think of that?

Yes!  The Imperial March.  I couldn't think of the name.  The only time it caused an issue was when I was shopping with PDm.  She intentionally left her phone at my house and enD called me from her phone! Oops!  She wasn't sure what the tone was, but she could tell it wasn't good. 

[Duck]

This is hilarious bc I have also used Imperial March for my PD father. For me, it was still too stressful. I could only survive by blocking him.

This is one of the few areas of life in which I have fully differentiated as a person and know what I believe.

I decided that no one but my husband is allowed to have an expectation of me picking up the phone. And even he has to understand if I was sleeping or driving. No one else on this earth is allowed the same expectation. It has become one of my criteria for friendships. You must agree with me that phone calls should be rare and that when you reach out, you don't know if the person is working, sleeping, crying, vomiting, sick, etc., so you should give them respect to let them respond when they are ready. I have gotten rid of friends who didn't adequately understand my philosophy of phones.

I also believe people should work hard to have more than one person in their support circle so that if one person is out of commission, they can call another.

Phone contact with my father is negotiated via text with my mother. A time is appointed and moderators must be present like her and my husband. If things go awry, she and I may consult secretly via text and the phone call may be aborted. He knows at this point every call goes to voicemail. Every single one.

I don't know if I will ever stop freaking out when the phone rings. The other day my mom said something offhand like hey you may get a text from your dad. He has a new phone. I became inconsolable and cried. Fortunately, he kept the same number, which I had already blocked. But I thought, wow, amazing how that can get to me even now.

Recently, I received an unexpected gift from a relative I don't like. I thought, she probably expects a call. So I bought a thank you card and mailed it.

Now if I was only this clear headed about other areas of life!

I give you permission to not only let a call to to voicemail but then to - boop - delete it without listening.

[Cassandra T]

It must be a common thing because my mother is the same way. One time years ago she called and said my dad was going to bring over some clothes she got from a thrift shop to see if I could wear them. (Never mind that I told her not to buy me any more clothes because I'm hard to fit and they rarely fit. And she sends a smaller size knowing it's too small.) So my dad showed up at the door with an angry look on his face. I thought, they must have been arguing. It made me really nervous, and after he left, my mother called me again and started yelling at me for "being hateful" to my dad. Of course, I was bewildered because I was not hateful to him. Maybe my nervousness made it seem that way, or maybe they wanted to drag someone else into their argument so they could have a common enemy to blame everything on. Anyway, I was crying and my husband got on the phone and told her he's sick of this sh**, if she can't be nice, don't call at all.

She was mad at him for years after that, for "cussing her out." She would say "he still hasn't apologized to me!" I said I don't think he's going to. She said oh, you mean you AGREE with him? I said yes.

[wisingup]

What a great thread - thank you!  Yes, the phone is a source of misery in my life.  It was one of the triggers for me coming Out of the FOG.  When we had a land line, we paid an extra $10 a month for caller ID, just so I'd know when it was my mom calling & I could take a few deep breaths before answering.  She liked to get herself good & worked up over something, then call wanting me to get upset about it too, whatever it was.  Or if we hadn't talked in a while she'd call to accuse me of being mad at her.   If I called her and it had been "too long", she'd answer with an angry "Who is this?"  So many peaceful Sundays ruined this way.    Even when the call was "pleasant", she would ask me intrusive questions or tell long tales of gossip, then get annoyed with me for not enthusiastically participating.

Now when she calls, I let it go to VM and I email or text her back.  That's how it will be from now on.  Barring some emergency,  I don't plan to talk to her on the phone ever again.

I am struggling right now because my daughter, who lives across the country & is alone during the pandemic, calls every day & wants to stay on the phone for as long as someone is willing.  I love my daughter immensely and there is no one I'd rather talk with, but I feel sort of "held hostage" during these daily calls.  I fully understand and support her need to have some interaction, so I engage as much as I can, but I'm starting to feel the same dread when the phone rings that I used to with my mom.  She calls on a group call with my husband & other daughter, so I answer about half the time & leave the call when I'm ready.  Feeling some guilt, but I think this is all I can manage for now.

[Sojourner17]

I have my series of run ins with the telephone too.  For a while it was "what we're you doing that you didn't answer the phone?" When I'd miss a call or not answer because I was busy or God forbid in the bathroom   
One time mom called just as I was starting a movie with my then roommates.  She called just to chat so I chatted for 10 minutes and then said I was letting her go as I was just about to watch a movie and my roommates were waiting for me.  She got a cool icy tone to her voice and while I can't remember what she said I got the message that a movie was not a good enough reason.  This was pre Out of the FOG so I told my roommates to go ahead while she kept me on the phone for almost a whole hour.   

I don't mind calls from others and love talking to my friends who live far away but find calls from mom unnerving.  I very rarely answer when they call abs have to be in the right headspace if I do answer.  I don't even like seeing text alerts.  You know those jelly beans that sometimes have disgusting flavours mixed in?  You cringe putting them in your mouth in case you bite a gross one?  That's what opening her texts is like.  You never know what you are going to get.