Holidays are now not fun anymore for her

[Pepin]

DH called PDmil yesterday to confirm Xmas dinner plans at our place and she decided to not join us.     Sounds good to me.  But at the same time, something now doesn't sit right.  DH seemed upset that she would be home alone...and it wasn't easy for me to suppress my feelings of glee.  Now I feel sick to my stomach because obviously DH is only thinking about her.  He is planning to make her something to eat this afternoon and drop it off tomorrow - even though she has tons of food from various sources. 

I wrote earlier about Thanksgiving and her presence.  It was the first time that the kids and I were all on the same page with regards to how we were going to behave.  Effectively, we all did medium chill with her.  We were not our usual selves by any means....which is sad to say the least.  We had to pretend to be what we are not in order to get through those several hours.  It was literally pick her up, eat, and bring her home.  Nothing else.  DH was his usual and didn't notice anything about our medium chill.

It seems that she got the message loud and clear that holidays at our house aren't so fun anymore.  One of my kids usually would be in a funk with PDmil around....and I'm sure PDmil enjoyed that because DH would get upset...which means that PDmil was controlling the atmosphere.  This time, she had nothing to control because we gave her nothing.

Again, something doesn't feel right at the moment.....maybe because it is too good to be true.  The only way we have been able to escape her peacefully in the past was for it to snow or for us to be out of town.  Obviously we couldn't leave town this year even though DH really wanted to.

I am worried that DH will be feeling low not having his mother by his side.  But who knows....he may get over it in the next day or so.  *sigh*

[Hilltop]

I'm so happy she is not going to be there and you can enjoy your dinner.  I think she is doing the divide and conquer tactic.  I am assuming your Dh will go over with a plate probably before lunch and they will eat something small together and open their gifts together. 

At least he will be there in the morning with you and your girls to open presents.  He will be there to enjoy dinner and hopefully will feel better after visiting her during the day.

I did at first get hurt over my MIL doing this type of thing however now I look at it and feel a little sorry for her.  Your MIL could be enjoying the day with a house full of people and love and yet chooses to isolate herself and have her one son come and see her.  This is what she wants, her son.  It hurts but it is her choice.  I wouldn't make a big deal about it, make sure you agree on the time he will be away, he can send on the Xmas greetings from the family.  Do not argue or fight that is probably what she is hoping for.  It's ok that he wants to go see her, just agree on times and in the time he is gone fill it with something nice or be busy and then enjoy the rest of the today together.  At least you can be yourselves this Xmas.

Medium chill obviously works really well with her.  She must not have liked not having anything to control.  Hopefully by next year you may be able to leave town, it sounds like DH is willing to do that or maybe she won't want to come again, fingers crossed.

[Pepin]

I think she is doing the divide and conquer tactic. 

Yeah....I think you nailed it.  Since it was boring at our home, she will have DH come to her, alone. 

DH had planned to make her something to eat and then changed his mind.  He said he was tired and didn't feel like making anything.  I don't know if he will visit her tomorrow.   

Xmas seems like it is going to be nice and quiet for us.  Which is just what we need - and what I have always wanted.  None of us really feel like it is Xmas though...and I think many people feel the same way this year. 

I am concerned that my expectations for Xmas in general have always been out of reach for me.  I see what other people do to celebrate; there seems to be little if no drama for most.  But Xmas's for me growing up and now during my married years have been more or less just icky.  We had no relatives to celebrate with when I was young because NF kept us from them.  My married extended family now --including PDmil-- is just not warm and welcoming.  I wish extended family could get together and celebrate and actually have a good time.  That everyone could set their ridiculous differences aside or at least do better.  I wish that extended family was nice to each other rather than competitive and gossipy.  I wish that extended family was kind and supportive of each other.  I wish I knew what that was like.   

Merry Xmas everyone.  Wishing you all the best.

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin,

Well, that means that your medium chill plan worked, right? The idea was to not turn yourself into an emotional pretzel, which is what would your mil would find "fun". The idea was to not cater to mil's every ridiculous whim at your own expense, which is what your mil would find "enjoyable". The idea was to sit at your table with your good food and your family for a quiet dinner, which is what your mil would, sadly, find "boring".

All this sulking nonsense is just her meeting your quiet Thanksgiving and raise you a dramatic Christmas. She thinks you're going to engage her by stopping this medium chill nonsense, at which point she will have been able to upset you, which will upset your dh, and then she can swoop in the space between the two of you and "win". Holidays aren't "not fun anymore" for her; she's not through yet. There's still lots of fun to be had by emotionally abusing her children. This "Oh woe is me" isn't regret, it's just part of her next power play. It's part and parcel of her campaign of abuse. You change, she changes -- but not before she tries really super hard to "change you back".

I think that it's kind of a good sign if dh is pressuring you overtly or not to "change back", too. It means that he really doesn't want to be hanging out with his mom. He never has -- that's why he leaves you to do the heavy lift. if he really liked spending time with his mom more than with you, he wouldn't be sighing and moping about how hard old Mom has it during the hoiidays. I mean, what if he were going to do something he really liked? Wouldn't he be practically skipping out the door? Hug hug, kiss kiss, see you later, sweetheart, I can't wait to tell you all about it? Not this time. Instead it's the Christmas Martyrdom Holiday Special. 

But that doesn't mean you have to play along and subject yourself to more abuse or swoop in and rescue your grown man of a dh from his pouty mommy. You stay in your quiet, family-centered, peaceful zone. Remember, she would be welcome -- honored! cherished! -- in your home if she weren't such a raging pain the #$%&. That might be an interesting response to your dh: "Oh, it's too bad that your mom doesn't feel entertained here. She'd be entirely welcome if she weren't such a raging pain in the #$%&."

Go plan something medium chill and enjoyable and let the two of them ho-humbug between themselves. What. Ever.

PS You're doing great!

[Phoenix Rising]

Way to go on how you handled this!

I think there is some hope for you in having future Xmases the way you'd like it to be... Your kids are on board and (were?) successful with MC! You are also a good example for DH on how not play into MIL's crap. And as Leonor pointed out, it doesn't sound like DH is trying to pull you in. You are standing firm and acting on what you can control yourself. That's super!

Did he end up going over there or did you guys have a nice Xmas for yourselves? I hope you all had a pleasant Xmas this year!

[Hilltop]

So did DH go over?  It really has been an awful year and no it doesn't feel entirely like Christmas this year.  At least you can have a quiet one and relax in peace.  It will be interesting to see if she says anything to him.  Was she hoping for him to ask why she doesn't want to come over and then she was going to give her sob story playing the victim of how uncomfortable she felt and then put it on you and try to cause an upset?  Hmmmm, I say this as this is something my MIL would do, don't play that game.  If she says anything like this just look surprised and baffled.  Remind him that if she felt a certain way her emotions are her own, you can not change them for her.

I completely understand the disappointment in not having a warm extended family.  After my own dysfunctional FOO I was looking forward to a close extended family. I thought that was what I was marrying into.  I never expected MIL to be unwelcoming and cold, competitive and jealous.  Its disappointing.  I feel like I really missed out. I didn't expect to automatically be close but I really didn't expect the harsh treatment I received which was abusive at times.   Our relationship will not recover, it is civil but I don't trust her, not after she tried to cause a wedge in my marriage.  I don't know what the point of having family is, if you are going to be rude, insulting and dismissive to half of them, to me it's pointless.  I wish things were different as well.

[Pepin]

Sorry I have been slow to respond.  I have had no privacy. 

DH did not go over.  Xmas was meh at best because DH was a little bit anxious and controlling - and I suspect that it was due to not having PDmil over.

PDmil declined to come over citing that it was cold.  Literally yesterday I got it.  She wasn't talking about the weather; she meant the atmosphere.  I can't believe I didn't pick up on that when DH initially told me.  She used the weather as an excuse when it actually wasn't cold... In my defense, she was acting extra cautious while she was over at Thanksgiving.  She knew she wasn't being received like a queen.  She saw that DH couldn't give her the time she wanted that would have taken away from me or the kids.  As I mentioned before, the kids and I were prepared this time to deal with her.  She played by our rules for a change.

DH did suggest having PDmil over for New Years and thankfully that is not happening. We have never hosted her this time of year and I hope we never will. 

Today, DH is in a funk, no doubt because PDmil is not gracing our table with her presence.  Ugh.  I'm so tired of these stupid games.  This is not the man I married and I am sick of it. 

It hasn't helped that DH has been off work for the last week.  The entire house is stressed with him being annoying.  He has been cooking more and making a huge mess.  He made something for PDmil that is one of my favorites.  Now it is no longer my favorite since he is giving her some.  He made it really  for her, not me.  He wanted to impress her.  He gets in a bad mood when he cooks and we all hate it.  No more if this garbage in 2021.  Kitchen is mine.  He can stick to the grill.  And I'm saying NO to a lot more with him.

[Hilltop]

Ugh I am glad she was not there but with an enmeshed mother/son it doesn't really matter does it whether she is physically there, her presence is felt through your DH.  How passive aggressive of her to say it was cold. 

It must be hard having his mood affect the whole house.  It sounds like the boundaries will be a good thing moving forward especially if he gets in a mood with his cooking. 

[nanotech]

Husband being still in the fog will still be trauma bonded to his mother.
She's made him feel like he's failed and is punishing him with comments about not enjoying the atmosphere in your home.
I think his moodiness, though hard to take, could be a cry for help. He's trying to process it all. He's kind of addicted to pleasing his mum. It's where he gets his self esteem from.
The PDs program us to base our esteem upon the approval of others. It's not self esteem, but 'other' esteem.  On a rational level, he may know full well what she's like. Deep down the little boy in him is still seeking  that much needed approval from her.
I can understand how annoying it is. My husband had had to put up with the same kind of thing from me, especially my moodiness snd sometimes my anger and resentment, when I've felt rejected and punished by my UNPD father.
He's watched in disbelief as I've tried this way and that to please BOTH my parents in order to feel of value. Sometimes to the detriment of my family of choice. Luckily, he stuck by me, though it caused many issues which at times divided us.
I'm Out of the FOG now and we couldn't be happier. But it isn't a quick process. To break free of trauma bonding means you have to first recognise the abuse as abuse, then you need to painstakingly unravel all of the dysfunctional pulleys and levers, preferably with the help of a good therapist. It's essential that you feel supported by your FOC for this to begin to take place.
Is there any way he would consider therapy?  This was my way out. But enlightenment  all began with reading 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I know it's hard, but don't close your heart off to him, because of her. This may well be what she's hoping for, and nothing would please her more than to have that happen.
Hang in there with him. He's still that man you married.
A death in a family of dysfunction regresses  all of the children back into the roles they performed for the PD as children. The PD, sensing a potential  loss of power, ups their game to high HIGH levels. But your  hubby will realise that he can't replace his father, nor does he have to pay penance for his death by becoming everything to his mother.

[Hilltop]

Nanotech it is great that you realised this for yourself and were able to move on from those dynamics.  I wish my MIL were more overt and then DH could see it.  She is covert and so DH feels things, which I guess from his reactions but doesn't really seem to understand what is going on beneath it.  Such as saying it is cold, what can a DH say, it is such a simple comment and yet the tone of voice or expression gives a message.  They feel it but because their mother is so nice to them it's like they really don't understand, so they feel bad and then try to make things better.  It's programmed into them.  I know my DH has blamed me numerous times before because it's easier than blaming MIL.  That's one of the reasons I stepped back out of the picture.  She cannot put it on me, if I am out of the picture.  I wish DH could see it but I doubt he ever will.  MIL can sense when he has had enough and becomes so sugary sweet he folds back into line straight away, it's all manipulation.  She continually buys him gifts etc.

I am sure Pepin's DH thought he was doing a nice thing by cooking Pepin's favourite meal however he then had to share it with his mother which normally would be fine however now Pepin doesn't know if the generosity was really for her or her MIL.  His moodiness could be that Pepin wasn't happy with his effort, he didn't understand, he was upset that now everyone was unhappy.  If he wanted to make it up to his mother he should have made her favourite meal and taken it to her.  However try to explain this to Pepin's DH and he simply won't get it.  I agree therapy would help Pepin's husband however those family ties and traditions especially when it's another culture are so strong.  I dread the day FIL dies, I know my MIL will be 1000 times worse.

Pepin I spent New Years with my in-laws and although everything was fine on the surface there were little comments that I wasn't comfortable with, judgements etc. DH and I were laughing and MIL started thumping stuff in the kitchen really loudly, bashing pots around, nothing was said but every time we laugh together she bashes stuff around in the kitchen, the message is clear. MIL put FIL down and I never know what to say.  FIL refuses to eat at the table when I am there, he ate in a separate room.  MIL speaks in her own language at the table so there are two different conversations happening.   She did speak to me in English a lot more this visit although she was asking all these questions to get specific information and it was unnerving. The car ride home was uncomfortable even though nothing had happened, I felt tension between DH and I and didn't understand it.  I went home and cried alone after DH went to bed as I did the year before.  It is horrible.  The only thing I am relieved about is that I won't see them till 31st of this year unless I have to see them incidentally.  Although I love this time of year and love bringing in new year the night just fills me with dread.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, your holidays are not the only one that suffers.  I wish I knew the answers but I can only offer support, it's hard.

[nanotech]

My parents were/are the covert kind too. It's taken me a long time to come Out of the FOG.
And if my hubby had seen it before me and taken some action? I wouldn't have believed him for a long long time.
The first thing is the abuse. The second thing is their subtle manipulation to keep you in DENIAL of that abuse.
I think it's even harder for a Golden Child. I think they actually get damaged the most. They certainly have the most to lose if they choose to really see what's going on. They will do anything to avoid that truth, and they  certainly don't want anyone else pointing it out to them.
Pepin I'm wishing you lots of luck. Baby steps. I've had to do this with my dad. After some wobbles from him he's easier now and accepting of boundaries.
She doesn't hold all the cards. You do.