Understanding what our codependency can teach us about our selves

[treesgrowslowly]

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-narcissism-may-have-more-in-common-than-you-think-0807187/amp/

What I like about this article is that it reminds of some of the things that have come up on the boards lately.

When a narcissist calls others people narcissistic it can be really confusing.

The article states that because we all have some narcissism at times, we might believe the narcissist who tells us we are the narcissist.

It can feel very crazy making. I like that this article explains that our self needs greater definition... if we are to recover from narc abuse and codependency.

This might help people who are wondering why narcs don't respond to therapy. Someone who is narcissistic believes that they already have a better self, better identity, better personality than their therapist..and no one can tell them any different!

I think that codependency can be really challenging to sort out. There is no clear direct path to a healthy, non-codependent, well- defined sense of self.

Those of us who have spent so much time with a narc - either as a parent or spouse of sibling etc will spend some time (hours? months? years?) wondering if WE are being narcissistic for wanting a better sense of our own self.

I thought this article put some of the info about that process into a really nice clear way.

I think as we prepare to make new years resolutions maybe  it can be helpful to consider that it is totally healthy to set goals for our self. It is totally healthy to try new things just for our self, just to see if we enjoy them or not. It is totally healthy to give new things to our self in the new year.

Trees

[GettingOOTF]

That was a great article.

I see codependency and PDs as two sides of the same coin.  I was codependent due to my upbringing. When I look back over my life and in particular my marriage I see that my codependent behavior was as toxic as my exes BPD behaviors. In many ways one could argue that my behavior was more toxic. My behaviors were all around how good and supportive I was being, how much I was willing to sacrifice for my husband and my marriage. At the end of the day I was doing exactly what he was, I was trying to manipulate and control him to protect my feelings and the sense of self I had built using codependent behaviors.

I have done a lot of work on myself in this area and it’s very difficult to look back on who I was and how I behaved, but it’s been worth it. I do finally have my own identity and boundaries.

One of the biggest and most helpful realizations was that my ex was not to blame for any part of our marriage. If I hadn’t married him I would have married someone else just like him. I had the power all along, I simply chose not to use it. I chose to focus on him as a way to avoid focusing on myself.

I think that in any relationship where there is addiction, abuse, infidelity or a PD there is codependency in the other partner. A relationship can’t have one without the other.