Medium chilling with classmate

[Mintstripes]

I met a new classmate in my program this year. We've worked on a few projects together. My first impression was that she was... extremely proactive and maybe a little "too much" quite frankly (ex: she's added me on several professional and school platforms, is constantly emailing etc). I was giving the benefit of the doubt but now it's beginning to get a little suffocating, so I'm scaling back while remaining professional.

As most of us who have dealt with PDs, I am super cautious with new people but sometimes I let my guard down a little because it's exhausting to be on edge all the time. However, I have been doing a pretty good (although not perfect...) job of not oversharing with this person (something I used to struggle with a lot more and sometimes still do). I'm going to do the information diet with her now though, in a big way.

The thing that set of some alarm bells though is this: last week we had a school related meeting for a project and I noticed her attitude had totally changed. She was abrupt, critical and snippy. It really caught me off guard. At one point, she said something like "sorry I'm just in a bad mood today and feeling particularly argumentative". So, red flag. Because a) I barely know her and b) why the hell are you taking it out on me, lady???!!! 

So, to reference the title of this post, I am doing the medium chill thing with her. I'm at the point where I feel like the spidey sense things are adding up, so to speak. I responded vaguely/politely and changed the subject. Keep in mind, we have never met in person due to the pandemic.

I thought I'd ask here if anyone has experienced anything similar with a colleague and if you have any advice other than what I'm already doing. Thanks in advance.

[GettingOOTF]

This year I reached the point where I no longer to the "benefit of doubt" thing with people.

Hhaw recommenced The Gift of Fear. It really changed all my interactions. I look back and I see that I always knew who people really were, but I ignored my initial impressions.

If a friend is in a bad mood or says something I of course don't jump to conclusions but if someone displays red flags I take them for what they are and move along.

I used to be very open with people like the one you describe, I'd assume they were just being friendly and I'd accept all their invitations. I now see this as a red flag around boundaries.  TBH I used to do this myself. I jumped in to all relationships with both feet.

It is exhausting being on guard all the time and it's no way to live but I think we can interact and take note of behaviors still without being super on guard.

I used to over share a lot with colleagues. I stopped and I did pretty much what you are. I did GR before I knew what it was and just stopped sharing as much over time. I never made a big deal about it and now they accept me for who they are. The ones who were around me for drama and gossip moved on. I've found people like this take the easy path. They don't invest much because it's never about you so once you consistently stop giving them what they want from you they move on.

[Mintstripes]

GettingOOTF:
I typically agree with not giving benefit of the doubt because it usually means you're ignoring your gut. In this case, I felt it was harder to gage for some reason.

I'm glad you mentioned GR and what happened with drama seekers who eventually sought their supply elsewhere when they failed to get it from you. I'm going to follow my gut on this one and continue to MC and GR. I haven't shared THAT many personal details with her but I will stop altogether now. I noticed that out of the other 3-4 people she invited to an online group, no one has responded yet so maybe they are also feeling smothered by her. I'm paying attention.

I have heard about The Gift of Fear over the years but never read it. The premise sounds really important m.

[GettingOOTF]

I really recommend reading it. It's very dry and a bit dated but so helpful.

[treesgrowslowly]

Yikes that outburst is totally a red flag coupled with how quickly she added you to her networks and started emailing you frequently. This is what narcissists do too...they rush to get 'close' and then all of a sudden one day poof they are mean or angry or miserable and all of a sudden they act like this and assume we've consented to it ...because we've been on their email list for a month (or 2).

If she isn't aware that her behaviour matches up with that of a love bombing narc then that in itself is a flag.

A level of self awareness is sort of key to healthy adult friendships.

So what I've learned....

Especially in work or other like settings...if someone is frosty like she was at a meeting one day, I've learned that a lot of people simply pull away. They may not say anything about it. They will just pull away. Such as not answer the invite next time. I've seen that in different circles.

When I read your most recent post about it where you mention that no one else has replied to her invite i thought about how her attention will now go all in on you...if the others around her have already pulled away she may be looking for someone to pull in. Its good you are fully aware on this. I would be too.

If she really does have good boundaries (and was stressed and that was an anomaly) then time will reveal that to you anyways without you doing anything to bring that about.

The thing about good workplace boundaries is that they leave room for healthy behaviours by others.

Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

Trees

[Mintstripes]

Yikes that outburst is totally a red flag coupled with how quickly she added you to her networks and started emailing you frequently. This is what narcissists do too...they rush to get 'close' and then all of a sudden one day poof they are mean or angry or miserable and all of a sudden they act like this and assume we've consented to it ...because we've been on their email list for a month (or 2).

If she isn't aware that her behaviour matches up with that of a love bombing narc then that in itself is a flag.

A level of self awareness is sort of key to healthy adult friendships.

So what I've learned....

Especially in work or other like settings...if someone is frosty like she was at a meeting one day, I've learned that a lot of people simply pull away. They may not say anything about it. They will just pull away. Such as not answer the invite next time. I've seen that in different circles.

When I read your most recent post about it where you mention that no one else has replied to her invite i thought about how her attention will now go all in on you...if the others around her have already pulled away she may be looking for someone to pull in. Its good you are fully aware on this. I would be too.

If she really does have good boundaries (and was stressed and that was an anomaly) then time will reveal that to you anyways without you doing anything to bring that about.

The thing about good workplace boundaries is that they leave room for healthy behaviours by others.

Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.

Trees

Hi Trees,

Yes, the behavior seemed very narclike to me too. I try to be a lot more careful now about getting close to people too fast.

I've noticed she's written numerous posts over the past few weeks on a group platform that she created for about 5 people and only one other person has responded. I agree with you on the "rush to get close" tactic. She's done a few other red flaggy things and I'm not going to ignore my gut.

Thankfully we are on a break from school so me being quiet makes sense. I am going to continue distancing though, while remaining professional.