Drew a boundary with friend and am getting abusive texts

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Happy Holidays everyone!!! I'm struggling a bit with something and any thoughts or advice are welcome.

I've got a friend (let's call her Sally) who has been through multiple dramas at work (3x that I've supported her through). Anyway, she has some really good qualities, and we've shared a lot over the past year. She has been abused a lot in her life and I really feel for her. There had been a couple of things, once I didn't reply to a message soon enough (sent in the middle of the night) and 'she told me I wasn't a true friend', she did apologize, but it was still weird.

However, a while ago I shared a very personal story with her, and then she told another person who I don't know. This upset me, so I screwed up my courage to ask her not to share personal info/set a boundary in the nicest possible way. Anyway, she didn't really react that well, and while she *sort of, apologised, she said 'its only (person she told)' and I felt like she really resented me for it. I felt like things weren't quite the same after that...

Anyway, fast forward to a recent drama with a room mate,
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=86857.msg745990#msg745990

Basically, a roommate was displaying some pretty strange, stalking type behavior. I had to contact my friend (Sally) again to ask her not to pass on any personal information about me. I felt like she kind of minimised what was happening as well. Basically she knows the other person... Sally agreed to, and then I found out immediately rang up the other person and passed on what I'd told her in confidence. The latest is that Sally is sending me mean texts for politely setting some mild boundaries about not sharing personal information, and the latest one this morning involved name calling... I think I'm ready to pull the plug on this...

Sorry I just need some additional thoughts though. I'm not that used to boundary setting, and the kind of violent response / reaction to it is hard. My rational mind tells me I am way justified in asking for a boundary. But part of me still feels unsure 😔 any help is much appreciated ☺️

[notrightinthehead]

Boundaries are for yourself, not for the others. You agree with yourself that you will not tolerate a certain kind of behaviour in future and that you will implement x, y, z consequences if that behaviour happens. You may tell the other person about that but you don't need to.
Boundaries will not change the other person's behaviour,  they will change your own behaviour.  In your example,  Sally has betrayed your trust. She told others what you told her in confidence. Now, Sally does what she does. You have no control over Sally.  One boundary you could implement with Sally is, I will not share any personal stuff with Sally in future. Whatever I tell Sally can be told to everybody.

From how I understand your post, you told Sally that you did not like what she did and expected her to change. She responded aggressively to that request.  This seems to indicate that she does not plan to change.  It was very kind of you  to give her a chance and to address the issues you had with her. She has shown you now what she thinks of that.  It is up to you now to decide how to respond. How will you react in future?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Notrightinthehead,

Thanks so much for your help and feedback!!

I've decided to just cut things off with Sally. She's shown an aggressive and verbally abusive side that I certainly don't need in my life! I just blocked her from my phone, email, social media. I don't need that in my life.

I feel quite shaken by it all. I guess one thing about Sally is I notice how much she was in the 'victim' role and I was in the caretaking role. She had been bullied at work multiple times, and I ended up supporting her.

But I started to find when I brought up issues she was sometimes dismissive or minimised things.

She has such a nice side, is very soft spoken, almost like a frightened mouse. But just very aggressive when I asked for a boundary

Overall, it feels very very right to have taken this step. I feel like in the past I would have second guessed myself more... I still hope for the best for her, but I can't be around someone that abuses me.

[JollyJazz]

P.S. not rightinthehead,just to follow on from your excellent question, 'how will I react in future?' I'm going to work hard on my issues with 'care taking' and keep up the setting boundaries. Goodness, is it a good way to get the measure of someone's true attitude!!!

[ShyTurtle]

Brene Brown would say something like: if someone gossips about you, they've crossed a boundary and you can't share anything important with them anymore. She has a great video about "braving" on YouTube. Brene Brown has so many great insights.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Shyturtle,

Brene Brown would say something like: if someone gossips about you, they've crossed a boundary and you can't share anything important with them anymore

That's so true! Thanks for that ☺️ yes Brene Brown is awesome 😎

Hope you are doing well! I listened to the audiobook of 'Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist' in my car. Was so awesome 😎

I feel really really good about drawing a boundary about the breaking a confidence and was almost vicious in her texts. I know 100% that I did the right thing blocking her. It's just turned new years day in my part of the world... feeling really good about it all ☺️

[IRedW77]

Just reading your initial description of Sally sets off some red flags for me. The first things you talked about were helping her and how you felt sympathy for her. As someone that likes to help people too much it's just something I noticed.

Trying to give people second chances and then getting burned a second time is also familiar.

I agree that you're doing the right thing cutting her off.

[JollyJazz]

Hi IRedW77,

Yes, I definitely feel like I'm doing the right thing!!! I feel really good about it 😊

I actually stopped telling her anything really confidential after she reacted badly to me setting a boundary the first time. It was an awkward situation the second time, because she knew the strange landlady that ended up stalking me, so I tried to ask her to not pass on any information (I don't really want information passed to a stalker!) something she didn't respect of course! Anyway, I'm very very glad to have her blocked on everything! ☺️

I'm actually glad for all these experiences as they are great sources of learning! ☺️