Disordered Eating:

[Poison Ivy]

I don't know that anyone in my ex's family had disordered eating. However, my late FIL's NPD did, I think, engage in some behaviors around food that I considered to be unfortunate. When the family went out to eat when my ex was a child, FIL would insist that everyone order steak. I'm not saying they didn't like steak, but they weren't given the option to make their own choices. FIL might have been a binge eater; he definitely was obese for much of his life. He would try to make my (and ex's) children eat certain things sometimes. I almost never did that at our home, and I didn't let relatives do it at their homes to my children, either.

[Andeza]

I tell my two year old, "taste it, if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it." I'm not certain he entirely understands, but he's now very insistent on trying whatever I'm eating. And some things, he gets really excited for when he sees me cooking them.

I think it's a good practice to ask the child to try something, but if they don't like it they don't have to sit there and eat it. That's tantamount to torture in my eyes. Of course, many of us were not given that option. A pd parent plopped something unappetizing on our plate and commanded us to eat it. Blegh.

I remember the dang chewing now. Overcooked, thin, cheap steak from Walmart with no seasoning. Back in the day of the "pink slime." Could. Not. Get. It. Down. Both parents losing their minds over it. Oh well. UBPDm should have picked up a cookbook now and then.

[IRedW77]

Thank you C. I hope I'm on the right track. I'm optimistic that maybe the other night could be the beginning of a breakthrough with my daughter.

We've always offered her new things or a bite of whatever we're eating, but she's never taken to that well. If she doesn't know it she won't eat it.

If you hold a fork of food up to her she'll shake her head and wave her hands. When she was smaller and less rational and verbal she'd do that as a warning. If you tried a second or third time she'd start screaming.

Now we have much more debate and discussion. She'll start with "I don't like that." We tell her that she can't say that she doesn't like something she's never tasted. She can not want it, but she doesn't know she doesn't like it.

We will try engaging her in discussion about her feelings as to why she won't try something, but that usually devolves into her repeating "I can't" or "I don't." My wife got her down to "I'm scared" the other night and that helped get through it.

Her favorite lately for anything she doesn't want to do is "maybe later." 

My wife committed the other night and managed to wear her down to touching the food with her tongue—"you don't even have to put it in your mouth". It helped that we were 100% certain that she'd like it if we could get her to taste it.

I did get her to try ham by convincing her it tastes like bacon. She did eat it and said she liked it, but she only ate two bites and wouldn't eat any more.

She's done that with several things. "Try jelly, it tastes like jello." She tastes it and says, " I love it." I ask her if she wants some more, "no" or "maybe later" She's never eaten any of these foods again.

My dad got her to eat Jello when he visited a long time ago and now he has to make it every time she sees him. He also got her to eat carrots that same visit. She'll still eat those once in a great while.

I have no idea how he did it, but we were pretty floored when he got her to eat 2 new things in one meal. He hasn't gotten her to try anything new since, but it was fun once.

Our son is a bit better. 1 out of 20 forks he'll taste something. He's more likely to taste something my wife offers. He's learned to say "eww, gross" which is hilarious.

[D.]

Food and children.  Complex and amusing.  Sounds like you guys are very much on track.  How great that you've helped your daughter recognize her feelings and validate her.  A couple of things that I've noticed worked for me and when I was in the early childhood field were a variation of exactly what you've done.  One, was to simply acknowledge that tastes change and increase as we get older.  My adult kids say that helped them because the greens they didn't like when young they really like now and they have told me they remember hearing that they would probably like that food once older.  I know that happened for me with a number of foods.  Another is to allow any form of interaction, so touching w/the tongue, even touching w/a finger because really the issue sounds like it is fear of something new.  I wonder if that happens in other areas with your daughter?  Anyway I can hear the joy in the meal times that your family is creating and that is worth more than any food item ever imho 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. Reading all these stories has me feeling such compassion for you all.  Having daily struggles multiple times a day with bare-bones necessary self-care is about as pervasive as damage can be.

My FOO is also seriously messed up around food. My parents hoarded food and had an absolutely stuffed refrigerator at all times, then go out to eat on a whim and end up wasting a lot. My grandparents would force us to eat stale cake every time we visited. My mother would play the martyr at holidays making needlessly complicated dishes that were not bad at all, but not fantastic and certainly not our "favorites" that she always insisted they were. My father would also randomly decide to cook and would spend about five hours closeted in the kitchen making a simple soup. Watching the stockpot the whole time. He also criticized us in the kitchen so badly that I simply didn't try to do anything in the kitchen until I had my own apartment in college. My mother copes by getting fast food daily, at least as of when I went NC, and telling herself she's making good choices because she asks them to hold the bun on her Big Mac. My sister was subsisting on cereal and pop-tarts and had severe digestive issues. My other sister has yo-yo-Ed in and out of obesity.

I escaped these horrors by the grace of God with a healthier approach to food through learning on my own in college and as an opportunity to grow friendship. We were all broke and we all had to eat so we did a lot of simple budget cooking together in my crappy apartment and hung out playing games and living life. My love-starved self was nourished in every way through that time. (Even my husband first noticed me because I made a good chocolate cake!) So my kitchen and table full of friends is especially my happy place.

I have had various overt food triggers to work through. But I think the factors that helped me mostly escape are that I inherited a quick metabolism that allowed me to not have the weight issues my mother and heavier-built sister does, so a lot of the drama was deflected away from me. I was something of an observer and didn't internalize much of it. I was also the oldest so I got out while my parents were focused on the youngest one.

[Hepatica]

Call Me Cordelia,

So my kitchen and table full of friends is especially my happy place.

I think that is so lovely and I wonder if I'll ever get to that place. That said, I was lucky as well when I left home and moved in with girlfriends when I attended uni. I learned a lot about healthy cooking by watching them. I also was really lucky to have a French room mate once who was so amazing with food, I observed with awe and learned so much. When I think about it, those little families of choice changed my life for the better. (There were a few bad room mates as well, but I don't dwell on them.)

This week I had a vivid memory of being brought to a restaurant with older sister, when I was probably only sixteen. She invited me and there were a few of her older friends as well. I was so so so filled with nerves I could not get the fork to my mouth, my hand was shaking so badly. I couldn't even get the water glass to my mouth. I barely ate anything. I look at that now with such a new awareness of how much the FOO table violence affected me. I hope that one day I will have that part healed and I will have that happy place you have. I yearn for that.

[1footouttadefog]

I read something one time that discussed the possibility that some people develope various taste/scent to varying degrees as compared to their peers when they are young chidren.  So in the same way some kids walk earlier ir later they may develope scent and tastes at different times.

The article also described that some individuals can be super tasters in some regards and may start out tasting the bitter aspects of veggies before they can smell or tastes the other aspects of the flavor.  So some veggies will seem entirely off putting.


Our picky eater challenges were a mix of super taster with texture issues.  Than goodness we made it through, all that remains in our food drama are my pdh's issues, and we just cook akd freeze his meals in advance so he can select an alternative of he does not like wuat we have planned.

He really seems to enjoy having his shelf in the freezer stocked with frozen dinners made just for him. I think he feels a since if security from it.

[IRedW77]

The article also described that some individuals can be super tasters in some regards and may start out tasting the bitter aspects of veggies before they can smell or tastes the other aspects of the flavor.  So some veggies will seem entirely off putting.

Our picky eater challenges were a mix of super taster with texture issues.

It's a bitter irony for me that while I generally have a terrible sense of smell and taste compared to others, I am also a super taster.

Grapefruit tastes absolutely horrible to me. It's a bitter citrus fruit, yes, but I taste something else most other people don't.

I get the bitter citrus, but I also get a strong flavor like earwax (if you've ever accidentally ingested that) or dandelion milk.

I cannot stand raw celery. It tastes awful. Most people think it's very mild, but I can actually open a fridge and smell raw celery in a closed bag. It has a odor kind of like patchouli. I've only ever met one other person that experiences this.

Mangos taste like pine needles and bitter awfulness with a hint of sweetness.

Also, I don't understand spicy food. If something is spicy I quickly lose the ability to taste anything but burning. Nothing else has any flavor. People have told me that hot spices are nuanced and complex, but I don't get that.

Interestingly I don't get much heat from wasabi. I once ate an entire sushi orders worth of wasabi in one bite on a bet. It gave me a bit of indigestion, and it wasn't a pleasant flavor, but it didn't linger and wasn't as hot as everyone acts like it is.

Food is weird.

[Amadahy]

I eat my way through grief and I've got to stop. 😔

[IRedW77]

I had another quick thought tonight.

I tend to like to eat the same meal over and over for a week or so, until I either don't enjoy it, or sometimes eat it past the point that I'm too full and then don't want it anymore.

I'll want it again eventually and go through the same pattern. I kind of do that with everything. It's all I want until it isn't.

Also, if I get one bad bite, like gristle in chicken, or a tiny chunk of bone in ground beef I'm done. I can't finish the rest of the meal because I can't get that one bite out of my head.

Sometimes an experience like this will haunt me off of a certain food for years.

Sometimes I'll have one particularly bad experience with food once and I'll have to shake it off forever. I ate one particular condiment once when I was a kid and then noticed mold in the bottle half way through the meal. I still have to shake that experience off with that condiment from time to time. No amount of subsequent positive experiences ever makes it completely go away.

I was actually thinking about this in terms of flashbacks. I've always carried past experiences with food into the present. Sometimes it's like I'm eating the meal I'm having, but also one I've had before.

I've eaten McDonald's cheeseburgers on and off over the years. It's a relatively consistent fast food item in that it hasn't changed in 50 years or whatever. Sometimes it's amazing, usually it's mediocre, sometimes it's just bad.

I find that when it's mediocre I often start thinking about when it's been bad, and then it's just bad and hard to eat.

I did a kind of science experiment tonight. I had a cheeseburger that was mediocre, but I tried to focus on eating them when I was a teenager and they were an amazing treat to me.

I was definitely able to bring that character of the past into the present. It was weird. I could stare off and think of eating with friends 25 years ago and what I was eating now was pretty good. Then my kids would say something and it'd break my concentration and it'd be mediocre again.

What does anyone think? Any of this familiar?

[SparkStillLit]

Sometimes if I get something really gross in a food, like a hair or a bug, I'm off it for...a very long time. If I do ever eat it again, I may think of the gross experience and it will put me back off.
I don't eat the same thing, though. Can't stand it. Oh, I'll have leftovers for lunch and that sort of thing, but the same thing for a week? FORGET IT. If I'm eating out, I'll have something new every time I go there until I've been through the whole menu and decided my favorites. (I'm noooooot very picky!!!) I TRY not to grab fast food, but I do have a terrible lech for this hole in the wall kind of fast Mexican place near work (I have yet to have gotten through the entire menu).

[IRedW77]

Haha SSL that is sooo different from how I am. At each place I like I have one thing that I'm going there for. If it's a place I really like there may be 2 or 3 things I'll rotate.

I have such big issues with decision making (most especially with food) that I need to be able to think in terms of I want X food so go to Y place.

Also I'm usually only looking for which place makes the best version of one of the few things I already like.

[D.]

New idea around disordered eating - I have a really hard time allowing others to serve me food.  I always ask to serve myself and am very particular about how many fruits, veggies, etc. to make sure I "get enough".  To the point where I'll re-serve myself or give food served by others to someone else.  It's worse when I'm stressed.  I get so nervous and just cannot eat if it was served by someone else, even my spouse...

Usually I just accept it's the way I am and make sure to serve my own food.  I'm pretty sure this goes back to PD parent having all kinds of rules around food, what is "ok" (health), what is not, how much is ok, what is "bad", etc.  But today I wonder if I am too extreme...if this is a "flea"...I feel sad that I literally cannot eat food my spouse or other family member serves me...I get butterflies in my stomach and feel too anxious to eat it.  My spouse and kids understand, they don't serve me food.   But today I am wondering if I am being too extreme...

On the other hand I struggle w/weight and this is one of the ways I can control what and how much I eat of any food.

Thoughts?

[Andeza]

We have never done the serving others thing since I left my childhood home... All meals are potluck style. Get your plate, get in line, get what and how much you want. Personally, I prefer that method, and you could make it the rule rather than the exception. It even works if there are only two people. I just finish cooking, holler "get your food" get mine and go.

Growing up my parents didn't seem to trust me to put food on my own plate. I can remember being in my teens and having a plate piled high shoved into my hands, and then their inevitable irritation when I wouldn't eat but perhaps half. With DS, who is too young to have a plate really, I just offer him food from my plate and make sure I go back for more if he makes a considerable dent.

[D.]

Andeza,  That is absolutely the style of serving I prefer.  Stove to table, serve yourself.  I think I just like serving a loved one as a gesture and want to be able to receive as well, but really all people have unique dietary needs so self service is usually the best option outside of restaurants.  There are other ways to show love 

[IcedCoffee]

My uBPDw has had many eating problems. Bulimia as a young adult, difficulty swallowing (so that each small meal could take hours), bingeing, a constantly rotating set of restrictions based on little evidence. Before I heard about BPD I used to get annoyed with the slow eating, but now I am much more understanding, I hope.

I'm the opposite. My mother had about four things she would repeatedly make so I didn't get much variety as a child. But now I will eat anything. And if you've ever been to China, as I have a few times, you'll know what "everything" can encompass!