down the rabbit hole?

[sevenyears]

Happy new year everyone - I hope you were able to find some quiet in your PD storms over the holidays (or at least a bit less storm).

My UNOCPD EXH and I each see a social worker weekly (separately) to help deal with the anger issues of DD8, who is our long-term care foster daughter. Recently, as I was discussing the problems I have with ExH regarding cooperation, particularly over the choice of primary school for DS5's enrollment this month, the social worker mentioned that many people are able to obtain sole custody in this jurisdiction when the parents can't cooperate, particularly when one parent is unable to cooperate. When I told her that I had filed in court about the school for DS5, she acted surprised that I hadn't filed for sole custody. I wonder if she isn't trying to nudge me in that direction. The social agency is aware of the problems, but unless I press to change the custody and parenting agreements that we have, they won't do anything. I will talk with my L next week.

It's been two and a half years since our separation and the children alternating weeks between us. They are under so much stress. There is so much conflict. But, we've reached some sort of equilibrium for what it is worth. If I file again for sole custody and to change the parenting arrangement, will I be setting off a spiral of never ending law suits and counter-law suits and waves of high intensity conflict since ExH UNOCP will certainly up the ante?

Co-parenting children with a PD feels like falling down a never ending rabbit hole or through some sort of vortex or black hole. ... 

[Penny Lane]

Happy new year!

The upshot of what I'm about to say is that I don't think you should file for sole custody unless something major changes, ie, the social work agency will support you by offering specific and detailed testimony in favor of your case.

I think it's very frustrating that one social worker forced your hand into settling for half time (if I'm remembering right?) by writing a report that cast doubt on your story, and now that the nightmare of court is over another social worker is pressuring you to go back into it. Maybe pressuring is too strong a word. But I don't think she understands how hard you've already fought and how difficult it is to make a change at this point.

Your situation now (which, by the way, is the same situation DH is in) sucks. It sucks for the kids and for you. But a court fight is, at least temporarily, much much worse for the kids. I know because we've been there too. I would encourage you, before you consider filing, to exhaust all your other options AND be confident that you will prevail and make the long-term situation better.

I do think if the social worker is willing to testify for you, that's a game-changer. But my guess is they won't be that explicit. At least most agencies here would not, unless there was serious documented abuse/neglect. And we know emotional abuse is much harder to document.

If you decide not to pursue this at this time, don't let one woman's opinion make you feel bad. Sometimes the best thing we can do for the kids is to find that equilibrium, even if it's not ideal, and operate the best we can within it. It is not in the kids' best interest to have constant court fights through their childhood, and even a "victory" can be hollow if it encourages the PD to escalate. There are no good choices here, only hard ones, and whatever you decide I think it's most important to focus on providing the kids a stable home while they're with you.

[athene1399]

SO and I would often think about the pros and cons of rocking the boat with BM to decide if our action, like taking her to court, would be worth the consequences, such as her increasing her negative behaviors. With that being said, discussing the options with an L can still be helpful. He or she may have a better understanding of the outcomes if you choose to go to court. Also, it sounds like this social worker maybe doesn't fully understand your situation and how your ex may escalate if you take him to court. I would just suggest giving it some thought  to see how you feel about if trying for sole custody would be beneficial or not. Like if the risks outweigh the gains.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi,

I agree with the others, going to court is considered our last resort.   IME there has to be a really significant change for the judge to change anything, and even then it's not a given outcome.  We've had all of the evidence and professionals on our side, and when we got to court the evidence was ignored and the professionals wouldn't stand up for the kids.  I wouldn't rely on a social worker, especially if you aren't 110% sure what they are going to say.

Not only is court an unknown, but again IME it ramps up the conflict to an unbearable degree in the meantime.