Um

[Pepin]

DH claims to have rolled over a pop up porn video this morning that woke the entire household.  We were in the kitchen and the teens were in their rooms. 

He has had issues with porn in the past and has lied about it consistently.  Lately I've said nothing about what I've seen...including him watching porn next to me thinking that I am asleep. 

Now the teens know based on what happened this morning.  They already have little regard for DH due to his enmeshment with his mother, PDmil.  His porn is a symptom of enmeshment. 

This was not what the first day of the new year was supposed to start as.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry the new year started for you in this yucky way. You have my sympathy.

[1footouttadefog]

Porn was a big problem in my marriage.  While still married I consider myself separated and don't care what he does now.

Toward the end of the years we were still intimate he could not longer function and I was basically the warm up for porn.  Once I established this, I told him I was done.  He had been the denier until then.  My sex life was ruined because of his addiction and refusal to deal with it honestly.  It was not an issue of my condition as I am fit and almost 20 years younger.

Like described above, there is a huge mommy enmeshment component to the story. 

I had gone back to school to finish a degree thinking I might eventually leave the sexless marriage when my first child came along.  It was almost a ironic joke.  I can remember the date it happened because it was so rare and another event took place that day.  Things seemed better for several years then they really deteriorated after his mother died.  there were alot of life changes one after another but the mental illness marched on. The porn addition became worse as well.

I am not a firm believer that for some people porn causes an addition brain chemistry not unlike using some drugs does.  the underhanded behaviours found with addicts can become part of the story. 

Its so hard to dicsern what is mental illness, and what is a character disorder.  I am now in a place where I am keeping my promise to look out for him as he is entering dementia territory but I consider myself single as marriage goes otherwise. He has broken every vow.  He had destroyed all the aspects of togetherness.  There is nothing for me to be faithful to.  No caring no communication, no romance, no emotional intimacy, no physical contact, no jovialness, no adult conversations, nothing.

Yes the first day of a new year.  Mine was up in the middle of the night.  I expect he was looking at a magazine or something like that.  He no longer has a laptop because I crushed it over my knee then stomped it when he was watching porn in front of my daughters in the kitchen.  He will be living in our rental house part time as I have had enough of the total disrespect.

[Pepin]

Porn was a big problem in my marriage.  While still married I consider myself separated and don't care what he does now.

Toward the end of the years we were still intimate he could not longer function and I was basically the warm up for porn.  Once I established this, I told him I was done.  He had been the denier until then.  My sex life was ruined because of his addiction and refusal to deal with it honestly.  It was not an issue of my condition as I am fit and almost 20 years younger.

Like described above, there is a huge mommy enmeshment component to the story. 

I had gone back to school to finish a degree thinking I might eventually leave the sexless marriage when my first child came along.  It was almost a ironic joke.  I can remember the date it happened because it was so rare and another event took place that day.  Things seemed better for several years then they really deteriorated after his mother died.  there were alot of life changes one after another but the mental illness marched on. The porn addition became worse as well.

I am not a firm believer that for some people porn causes an addition brain chemistry not unlike using some drugs does.  the underhanded behaviours found with addicts can become part of the story. 

Its so hard to dicsern what is mental illness, and what is a character disorder.  I am now in a place where I am keeping my promise to look out for him as he is entering dementia territory but I consider myself single as marriage goes otherwise. He has broken every vow.  He had destroyed all the aspects of togetherness.  There is nothing for me to be faithful to.  No caring no communication, no romance, no emotional intimacy, no physical contact, no jovialness, no adult conversations, nothing.

Yes the first day of a new year.  Mine was up in the middle of the night.  I expect he was looking at a magazine or something like that.  He no longer has a laptop because I crushed it over my knee then stomped it when he was watching porn in front of my daughters in the kitchen.  He will be living in our rental house part time as I have had enough of the total disrespect.

OMG.  I am crying for you.  And me.  This is so unfair and cruel the way that they behave. 

Do I Like sex now?  No.  Don't need it.  Just want to sleep in peace.  Alone if I could.

I am scared sh*tless for when PDmil dies.  DH could go off the rails unless he has therapy or if he can do some self care now.  This is why my blood pressure is high.  Because of her and him and their stupid enmeshment.  Doesn't help that many of his guy friends are divorced and single and no doubt that they lust after women...I am sure DH would love to have the freedom to make himself available to other women -- and I believe in Vegas one time, he did.

I would love to smash DH's computer.  However, he works in technology.  He has many devices and he wouldn't be able to do his job.  But, I did smash a few things privately today.  And I removed the watch he gave me over 20 years ago.  Not wearing it anymore even though it is lovely.  I don't feel like wearing my wedding band either. 

My goal is to just get our teens out into the world and have them be settled and happy.  After that, I may make an exit and finally have some peace in my life. 

[Frankie14]

My goal is to just get our teens out into the world and have them be settled and happy.  After that, I may make an exit and finally have some peace in my life.

Focus on this 

My mother left my father after their last child went to college; but she made the decision long before she finally filed.  She told me the other day the decision is the hardest part..especially when there are kids.  I have known I cannot stand PDH for YEARS but its taken the last 2 years for me to say, I am DONE and know I am leaving, I am NOT growing old with this guy, will not take care of him.  Like 1foot said, there isn't a vow he hasn't broken..why would I keep mine.?? I wouldn't and won't.

l also don't wear my wedding rings anymore, not very often anyway.  I got used to not wearing them during the lockdown, every time you don't wear them, I will tell you - you will feel more liberated. 

I don't have a porn issue with my PDH (that I know of, but it would NOT surprise me in the least), we have been married 15 years, but he's an alcoholic, outrageous spender, went bankrupt 7 years ago, lost his car to repossession and as of just one year ago raided our son's college funds.  He is currently UNDER-employed making VERY little money, but was unemployed for many years (when he went BK he was unemployed and WITHOUT my knowledge had racked up/maxed out credit cards, taken out loans,  some of his debts occurring before we ever met).  PDH has forced me to be the breadwinner - when that was NEVER the plan..

My actual dealbreakers were alcoholic or drugs, Porn, debt, laziness and men without ambition or goals.

I made those dealbreakers CLEAR to H when we were dating and he put on a complete act to marry me and move into my home.  I don't drink/never did a drug in my life; debt, I have no credit card debt and own my OWN home it's paid off, which HE moved into when we married (he has never paid a single dollar towards the home, not even the lawn to be cut and whines and cries he's 'not a man and you married the wrong guy' when utility bills are due.

As not apples to apples, the disgust for the man is the same.  Porn, alcoholism, constant debt..its the same bag of crap..

Is there anyway you can sleep in your own room, that will really help..

I got PDH out of my bedroom years ago due to his drunken groping me forcing sex while I slept...him being unable to remember it the next day; whining "I WAS HIS WIFE SO its okay..."  PDH has ruined sex for me by demanding it when he was drunk, demanding it when I wasn't in the mood or rejecting it if I offered.  Example; I would offer sex and PDH would say, "what did you see some stay home dad today," "who did you see today."  When I rejected his drunken or not at the right time advances, he would say, 'who are you outsourcing to, who are you cheating on me with."  So its a set up..for them to either FORCE you to have sex with him when YOU don't want to, or rejecting YOU when you offer to play the victim...so I stopped offering, and have not had sex with him in a year.  Since he stole the boys college funds.  That was the final nail in the coffin for this marriage.  I had told him EXPLICITLY after all his financial trouble that he is NOT to open anymore credit cards, he is never to touch the boys college funds; he did BOTH...(and still expects to have a 'happy marriage).' 

PDH financed a car a couple years ago and I expect it to be repo'd at any time..he's the original liar and sneak, and like he did last time will ambush me with, 'they bank is repo'ing my car if WE DON'T pay the back payments, the finance charges, etc.," so I literally day to day never know when something will be taken from my house.  FTR I won't pay for his car, my name is not on the bill.

Why won't he get a real FT job; he doesn't want to...he's lazy.  Sits on the couch, walks around the neighborhood, plays golf, and whines there are no jobs out there (he is a college educated white man).  PDH comes and goes from this house daily and most of the time the kids and I have no idea where he is.  For years, he faked going to work, when he was actually at bars, golfing, would come home completely drunk at 6 pm..faking he went to work at 8 am..

PDH quit drinking a year ago when he fist fought me for his car keys to drive children drunk...and I said quit drinking or leave my home NOW.  So, he says he is sober...who knows if he is, I have not caught him if he started, but he still has a part time sales job making no money and creditors are calling the house again, so I can assume he maxed out more cards/stopped paying on them..

Biding my time until my youngest goes to college is going to be miserable, as I cannot stand this man, but that's the current plan...unless he drinks again, goes bankrupt (again), has his car repo'd (again), get sued by banks (again), get paid off (again) he has had 12 employers in the 15 year marriage ... when he did all this to me early in the marriage, I didn't know better, he whined and cried he would get a good job, he got caught up in spending...I will never listen to that BS again.  Because I have had to provide the house, pay for everything for the kids, I was unable to help him pay his maxed out cards down, I cannot afford it.  I also spoke with my attorney at the time of his debt issues and she said even if you could pay his debts off, don't, he set you up, married you b/c you had a house and worked, and if you pay your unemployed husbands debts, he will do this again and again and again.

You might say if I ever see porn in this house again you are to leave immediately ... then once you catch him; get him gone?

I am cordial to PDH as if he is a roommate in a house I have to share with him, but I do not speak to him about anything but the kids, or he has a tantrum, we do not go to dinner, watch TV together, we haven't gone on vacation since 2008, he says he cannot afford a vacation and I should plan and save more to take us all somewhere; he has ruined every aspect of marriage being a drunk, out of work, barely working, debt ridden, lazy, drunk bum..even tho he is not drinking currently, he is actually worse, he is a dry drunk, he has refused AA..so he is more miserable now than when he was drunk.  Only this way he won't kill people on the roads...

There is absolutely 0% chance of me living out the remainder of my days with a barely working, dry drunk or active drunk who has no savings, no retirement, and not a penny saved...who isn't funny, isn't interesting, obese and unattractive to ME, who has done all of the above..

I am not sure if your PDH goes this but I am not allowed to leave my own home without an explanation of where I am going, why I am wearing that shirt, who I am looking to impress.  If I am walking down he driveway to get the mail, he will drive up on the house at 2 pm when he 'should be at work' and say WHAT ARE YOU DOING in the driveway...we used to have cameras all over the house for 'security' it took YEARS for me to realize he was watching ME.  He started texting me from work saying WHO'S CAR IS THAT IN THE DRIVEWAY, WHY DID YOU LEAVE AT 3 pm, WHERE ARE YOU, I SAW YOUR CAR DRIVE OUT.  If he was son a sports weekend with one of our sons he would FACETIME me to see where I was...if I drove out of the driveway at 5 pm while he was out of town, he would text me IMMEDIATELY and say WHERE ARE YOU GOING at night...I ignored that behavior until a year ago when I started fighting back; and I can get to WW3 in seconds..I will NEVER EVER IGNORE bad male behavior again and I WILL NEVERE EVER explain where I am going to a man again in my lifetime.  I cannot wait to be rid of this person.  But don't want to wish the rest of my children's childhoods away...

PHD tries to tell me ALL men behave as he does...we know that's not true..

1 foot, I am glad your H is out of your house...watching porn in front of your daughters is a huge no no, good for you for breaking the laptop.  I would have absolutely done the same.

PD's are the gifts that keep on giving..remember he lies about it (the porn) because he gets away with it.  Like my PDH with his debts, they just keep lying...

[1footouttadefog]

He is not out quite yet. I will do some work towards that end today.

I do rental houses for my part of the income.  One is empty and I need to tidy things up and move some furniture over so pdh can start staying part of the week.  Hopefully it will suit him. 

I worked my a off this past summer rebuilding the deck on one and reblumbing parts of another and getting it ready to rent. 

My pd looks at it like free and easy money because the renters pay well and he sees the money in our bank. 

He had the nerve to ask why the credit card was higher than usual and was mad i used the incomes to pay it down instead of savings.  He wanted to buy a gold coin for himself.

I had bought lumber screws and plumbing and a few red bulls and waters.

I too am pressing on with teens in college.  I see this as a multi yesr transition to a new chapter.

I am building towards how I want to spend the rest of my life. 

[stormbrewing]

Is the issue with porn a PD thing or a man thing? I am at the point where I just don't know anymore. Porn was a massive issue in my relationship as well. Stbxupdh used to criticise me any time I put make-up on, even just a little to make myself feel better. Meanwhile, he followed over 1000 soft-porn pages on just one social media platform looking at image after image of heavily made-up women. This is on his public profile as well, so not even attempting to hide it. The lack of respect is astounding.

He watched A LOT of online porn as well, to the point he was no longer able to participate in a fulfilling sexual experience with me. I have done a lot of reading, and as mentioned in one of the other comments there is a lot of evidence in support of the theory that frequent ongoing porn use can lead to a change in brain chemistry that impacts on sexual experience with a partner. I tried discussing this when it first became an issue, explaining that to me it feels like he is cheating and that it could lead impact our sex life together. The only change after that conversation was that he just started lying about it.

I am mid 40s, have always had a very healthy sexual appetite, and I still enjoy and crave sex. I am not at the stage where I am willing to give up on having a sex-life but feel like the choice has been taken away from me. I don't want this to be another thing I have lost to this awful relationship but I am not sure I will ever trust anyone enough to get that close.

I am so sad that so many of us are going through this, but I am cheering each and every one of you on to better and brighter futures, whether you decide to leave them or make the best of where you are right now.

[Pepin]

The other day DH and I talked for quite a bit about many unaddressed issues within our marriage.  I was unable to bring up the porn issue as I was certain that what we had already been discussing would have been too much for him.  As a result, he has withdrawn from me.  We haven't exchanged many words and still sleep in the same bed.  I feel that he is disappointed with me...he is also upset with me...that I am disrespectful for speaking up and hurting him.  I really made it about me and how I felt discarded, confused and ultimately challenged within our marriage.  I've been carrying around this baggage for years and I just can't do it anymore.  I miss the man I married.  While I understand that marriage is a place to grow and change, we grow together and not apart.  I was firm in saying that having kids was not an excuse for division between two people; rather it is everything else that is causing us to lose focus of each other.

DH mostly listened and challenged me for examples on a few points.  It wasn't difficult to back up anything I said.  There was just so much....and I feel like I could have gone on forever. 

I really tried to make it clear to him that our marriage MUST come first.  And it hasn't been.  Our kids are also our priority until they are adults and can take the reigns in their own lives.  DH tried to fight me on this saying that he felt he was doing a good job providing and getting them things that they need...I said yes but that is not what I am talking about here.  I told him that I need him to be emotionally present.  I know he thinks about his mother all the time.  He said he cannot help it.  *sigh* 

It is clear that he is being pulled too hard by his relationship with her and his relationship with me.  If the kids aren't happy 24/7 (come on they are teens) he loses it on them and that is not fair. 

I don't know what is going to happen.  All
I know is that he certainly thinks I am a bad person and that I do not like his mother.  I tried so, so hard — it is his relationship with her that I am uncomfortable with. It is confusing and I feel like an outsider, a third wheel.  It shouldn't matter who she is or how old she is.  She is his mother.  However, I am the wife and the person that will be with DH after PDmil is gone.  Our kids are our responsibility. 

I reminded DH that it takes a village to raise a child; it also takes a village to care for the elderly.  The point is that not all of it must fall to DH.  He thinks he is the only one that can take care of PDmil "correctly".  I really don't know what that means.  But I do know that it is unfair that he shoulders everything.  This causes divisiveness in our marriage and it also causes it within extended family and DH's siblings. These are not examples that our kids need. 

I was going to write about this under a separate post but it seems to have all come out here.  My DH is American born of another culture.  I have done my absolute best to understand his culture and be respectful; the thing is though that he had no expectations for this when we were dating and during the first few years of our marriage.  And then suddenly, especially after FIL passed away, he did.  I've never been able to know what to do with that.  I've felt replaceable and somewhat discarded. 

While he may be in pain for a few more days, I've been in pain for over 10 years now.  I wish I had had the courage to speak up sooner.  And I will now.

[1footouttadefog]

I think that will all things porn is just one of many that can be used or abused and PD folks are known to abuse.

I think that the use of porn and fantasy to avoid true intimacy goes hand and hand with the idea that narcs need to keep a false image to protect their true identity from scrutiny. 

I think the fact so many pd people ,and especially have mommy issues leads to the Madonna/Whore duality you describe with the makeup issue. 

I have had my sex life stolen by my pdh.  I was lured into a commited relationship then he had sex with himself and his fantasies instead, and as mentioned in previous post he became unable to function. 

If he was normal, if it was just a guy thing ie normal ed, he would have explored the other options we have at hand, to enjoy each other.  Instead he lied, sneaked and eventually became brazen about it all.  I am just biding my time soy kids will get up and out.

I am so over it all.  I am single as every vow has been broken.  I  building tue next chapter of my life. Covid is slowing that down, but the hard work projects can get done so I can be free to play in the future.

[Pepin]

I also shared with DH that the teens and I are afraid of him and that we walk on eggshells not always knowing the right way to respond to him.  I don't think he realized this...

[Frankie14]

Pepin,

Your husband is just using his mother as a way to escape you all; the same way he uses porn, the same way my PDH used spending, and alcohol...its an excuse.  Your problem is not his mother, and I had read your posts, she is no peach, but it is with your husband.  Once she is gone; you still won't have your husband..if that makes sense.

My PHD wanted to be physically in my house at all times, BUT, drunk, asleep, non providing, that was another way to SHAME me and our kids..ignore us WHILE being present in our home..

It's all the same stuff; they just use different abuse tactics on all of us..