Having a really hard time

[Mintstripes]

I’ve already lost a few friends during the pandemic. The friendships were hanging by a thread anyway and we are better off apart.

I’ve tried a few Zoom social events but these people aren’t “my people”. They are friends of friends and it’s already hard enough for me to trust people. I try. I can socialize pretty well but I find it rare to meet someone I truly connect with. I feel so alone and lonely, especially as a single parent. My PD ex-husband lives out of state and is not a co-parent at all, as I’m sure many of you can understand. I have no one to call if there’s an emergency. I’ve made some friends since the divorce but we’re more like good acquaintances. Some people have moved away, too.

Anyway. Last night I had an upsetting conversation with a friend, Liz, who has displayed some narc tendencies over the years (ex: usually contacting me more when she has drama in her life). Anyway, I was trying to explain how I’ve been trying to date and that it’s been hard, that certain things that seem quite prevalent in modern dating really turn me off, that I’m frustrated because I haven’t met anyone I like.

Liz is also part of the lgbtq community so I usually feel safe talking to her. Basically, she told me I was being too picky and that if I ever wanted a partner I should get over things that bother me. I fully disagree and her remarks made me feel worse.

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable at all.

I’m still trying to get over my ex-gf and I’m feeling sad and vulnerable. I’m on antidepressants, try to practice self-care and feel happy with what I have, am thankful for my LO and new life etc.  I’m trying to find a new therapist but it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve been crying a lot because I don’t feel like there is anyone is my life who truly supports me. It’s all very conditional. Like with Liz. As soon as I started saying how X thing annoys me about dating, I felt that she was defensive and trying to shame me for my preferences in a partner.

[IRedW77]

I know that I'm not great with empathy, so please forgive that, but you're not alone.

It's so hard to be responsible for kid(s) in this pandemic world especially. I can't even imagine the burden of being a single parent.

I know that my wife and I are totally burnt out with two of us. We have one friend that I would ask in a dire emergency, but it would have to be a someone in the hospital kind of emergency. And then we have my BPD mom and everything that comes with that. That's it.

We've had one night alone in over 4 years when we were visiting my wife's family far away.

We didn't get breaks before the pandemic and now we don't even get consistent school to get one kid out of the house.

But, at least we can burden each other so that one of us can get a moment alone. I can't imagine being a single parent. You've got my sympathy and tons of respect!

I'm also at a stage where I realize that I need friends in my life. I 110% agree with no one you meet being "my people". It's a thing, apparently.

As far as your friend, as always trust your gut.

If it were me I'd carefully review what she said and look for the 5 or 10% of what she said that might be true—if there's even that there.

Be mindful of your expectations, but the bottom line is that you need what you need in a relationship. Especially if you're going to be introducing someone to your children at some point.

Relationships are about give and take, but you have needs to meet that can't be compromised.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Mintstripes, I'm so sorry this is going on... imho this friend of yours sounds completely self-absorbed.

Almost everyone I know gets more and more selective about who they want to end up with as they get older, and the more relationships they go through, not the other way around. This person strikes me as someone who hasn't been close or committed enough to someone (or isn't ready for that) to really get hurt, and then figure out what they want that's different in the next person they're with. Or, these could be narc traits for sure. Or, both. (Or they don't respect themselves! Or they're just not emotionally mature.) Regardless, they're just not on the same page as you and it's just not validating you and where you are at right now....and it's OK to be where you're at, I would no doubt be there myself if I were right there in your shoes.

I have your type of struggle with friends most of all. After NC (and even before, too) it's just so hard to get close to people. I sometimes realize the only person who really loves me unconditionally is my husband, no one else, I have no family anymore.

While I have to talk myself through some of my very basic misgivings and instincts with friendships and learn that I can still be "open" without getting hurt, I've learned that there are definitely some personality characteristics (and this applies to dating, too) that are a complete waste of time for me. Maybe it would be good to come up with a list of what those are and what is really not dangerous when it's all shaken out. I think part of it is also just realizing and working on feeling better off alone rather than wasting your time! You're older, wiser, and more in touch with what you want and need now.  Being alone is hard; the other alternative is lowering your standards and feeling alone in others' company (I feel this around some friends/acquaintances and then think, "Is it really loneliness I'm feeling? Or grief over the unconditionally loving, caring family I never had?")

Keep searching!

[JollyJazz]

Hi Mint,
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, sending a big hug 
I know I'm just a little post from the other end of the world, but here for you.
I think once you get a new therapist, hopefully that will help a little, having someone trustworthy who will listen and support sounds really good.
I do think you are right to want healthy people in your life.
Fingers crossed for you that you find these people as you reach out more

[Mintstripes]

IRed: thank you. Parenting during the pandemic has been quite the ride hasn't it?! I have to admit that we've adapted but it was really hard in the beginning. About my "friend", the only thing I can agree with is not necessarily shutting someone down immediately out of fear, which I kind of like to do as an avoidant and cynic when it comes to dating... But otherwise, I'm way past ignoring my gut and "settling". If it means being alone longer, so be it.

Distance: actually, this friend is married! I strongly get a very preachy smugness from her, as if she's "made it" and is trying to school me on relationships (even though I've also been married). She went into this whole diatribe in what I've come to see as her "teacher tone", saying things like "your feelings are valid but don't hold up intellectually" and "your views are a logical fallacy". I mean, isn't that highly offensive? What do you think?!

I couldn't believe how sanctimonious she became just because I told her I wasn't interested in someone based on whatever thing. The thing in question is actually important in terms of worldview: I told her I'm not a good match for people who are into new age spirituality, tarot, crystals and the like. That's my right. I don't believe in any of that and made a conscious decision to leave the religious cult I was part of. I don't need  or want to replace it with another belief system!!

But what's interesting is I've realized very recently that this friend has become involved in that stuff. I put two and two together and suspect that's why she became defensive and kind of irate? I didn't even insult anyone, I just said I'm a rationalist and need someone who is like-minded (don't we all?). I felt like she was talking down to me, trying to change me, making me feel bad for my preferences. It was as if she completely flipped on me. She moved away years ago so I don't see her in real life, but I've only heard her mention these practices vaguely very recently. Her spouse seems to be into it so maybe that's why? Either way, you do you and I'll do me...

Jolly: thank you so much for your kind words and support, as always!! I hope you are doing well 

[JollyJazz]

Hi Mint,
Yes thank you, I'm doing well  I'm holidaying in the most beautiful place atm! Doing a lot of self growth type work via books, audiobook listening too...
It's interesting, it sounds like you might be going through a really positive phase of growth if you are noticing unhealthiness in relationships.
I really identify, as something similar is happening in my own life, I recently had to cut off a 'friend' who got brutally emotionally abusive, and I've decided to distance some other not so nice 'friends'. I felt crushingly lonely a few weeks ago (I posted here about it). As fate would have it, I made a new friend that evening! I wrote in my  diary that the loneliness from personal growth is a 'growing pain', leading to MUCH better things... the self development, therapy you are doing will, I am certain, lead to much happier, more fulfilling friendships and intimate relationships! That's what I'm going for too
I wouldn't want to be around a friend pulling the 'smug married' stuff... or invalidating your reasonable wishes for a relationship.
You have a lot to feel proud of, being an independent woman, studying, raising a child alone, in a pandemic!!!, escaping an abuser and cult... working on healing and personal growth. You have every reason to hold your head high and to ask for good things in your life 
Best wishes on the friend search... I found posting here a lot helped me  Best wishes and happy 2021

[IRedW77]

You nailed exactly what I was saying. If the friend was pointing out something about deciding that people aren't your "people" then seek the small grain of truth in that—which sounds exactly like what you've already done.

It's tough, because practically no one feels like your people. I understand how that sense of avoidance and cynicism is built off a defense mechanism, but that doesn't really make you feel any different.

It's like, I understand that I need to eat, but that doesn't make me feel hungry. But sometimes when I start eating I realize that I am hungry. And sometimes when someone else has food that I realize that I want some too.

I also realize that sometimes I'm actually wrong about people.

I 100% support your stance on new age crystal enthusiast types.  I don't get on well with them either—too much like BPD mom. That kind of sensibility is valid and grounded for YOU. Maybe you don't, but I just have to remind myself not to also judge them as people. They're not right for my life, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with them.

The only other thing I've picked up over the years as far as actual relationships is that the perfect person for you does not exist, because no one IS perfect. You accept the people that meet your needs and don't cause you difficulties. Not that you should lower your standards, but that the perfect can be the enemy of the great just as well as the good. But I feel like you already get that.

You sound like you've got things well figured out.

[DistanceNotDefense]

Distance: actually, this friend is married!

She's married? What gives. OK that kind of just got a big eye roll from me. At her, to be clear. Not at you!

I think this is probably a classic case of projection insecurity and being "smug married" then. My first thought was "hmmmmm OK, so how is HER marriage?" If the idea of someone having strong standards for a partner really bothers her, and she's saying "lighten up" (especially over spiritual beliefs, which is an understandably huge source of incompatibility, I mean, I feel like that's basic dating/marriage 101), I honestly wonder if there are things she has let slide with her partner, that she feels she wasn't picky enough in the beginning, you remind her of that, and she's suppressing a great deal of regret and projecting that all on to you.

I'm fond of some new age stuff but start to gag a little when it comes to crystals. Plus I thought one of the points of that kind of stuff is that it's not a dogma you try to force on others....?

Also, saying you have logical or intellectual failings just for protecting yourself and taking things slow smacks as insulting to me too. And she obviously has no idea what it means to leave a cult (I left one). It implants spiritual cynicism in you forever and it has to be that way!

If it were me this would be one of those friends I'd start slowly slinking away from, but that's just me....

[Mintstripes]

Distance: thank you.

I do agree with the "smug married" description. It's funny, she often starts sentences with "and I'm not a smug married but...". Seems like she's overcompensating... Also, her relationship/marriage has had its fair share of drama. I've noticed that she'd disappear for months and then contact me when there was drama. It was a pattern.

I was and still am extremely insulted by the "logical and intellectual failure" remarks. I got that same uneasy feeling in my gut when I've experienced toxic situations (with my FOO, ex). I am definitely planning on slinking away. I think I've really had enough.

Thanks again.

[Mintstripes]

You nailed exactly what I was saying. If the friend was pointing out something about deciding that people aren't your "people" then seek the small grain of truth in that—which sounds exactly like what you've already done.

It's tough, because practically no one feels like your people. I understand how that sense of avoidance and cynicism is built off a defense mechanism, but that doesn't really make you feel any different.

It's like, I understand that I need to eat, but that doesn't make me feel hungry. But sometimes when I start eating I realize that I am hungry. And sometimes when someone else has food that I realize that I want some too.

I also realize that sometimes I'm actually wrong about people.

I 100% support your stance on new age crystal enthusiast types.  I don't get on well with them either—too much like BPD mom. That kind of sensibility is valid and grounded for YOU. Maybe you don't, but I just have to remind myself not to also judge them as people. They're not right for my life, but there's nothing necessarily wrong with them.

The only other thing I've picked up over the years as far as actual relationships is that the perfect person for you does not exist, because no one IS perfect. You accept the people that meet your needs and don't cause you difficulties. Not that you should lower your standards, but that the perfect can be the enemy of the great just as well as the good. But I feel like you already get that.

You sound like you've got things well figured out.

I really appreciate your eating analogy. Mostly, I'm extremely cynical and avoidant as I mentioned, when it comes to relationships. It's my default. When I met my ex-gf (first person I dated since the divorce), I realized how much I actually did want to be with someone I liked (and I really liked her...). Now, I feel like I'm back at square one: fearful, cynical, avoidant, angry, convinced I'll never love again or that love even exists. But at the same time, I'm really conflicted because I want to feel loved, I want intimacy, I want to connect with someone again... it's this perpetual conflict in my mind and heart.

[Mintstripes]

Hi Mint,
Yes thank you, I'm doing well  I'm holidaying in the most beautiful place atm! Doing a lot of self growth type work via books, audiobook listening too...
It's interesting, it sounds like you might be going through a really positive phase of growth if you are noticing unhealthiness in relationships.
I really identify, as something similar is happening in my own life, I recently had to cut off a 'friend' who got brutally emotionally abusive, and I've decided to distance some other not so nice 'friends'. I felt crushingly lonely a few weeks ago (I posted here about it). As fate would have it, I made a new friend that evening! I wrote in my  diary that the loneliness from personal growth is a 'growing pain', leading to MUCH better things... the self development, therapy you are doing will, I am certain, lead to much happier, more fulfilling friendships and intimate relationships! That's what I'm going for too
I wouldn't want to be around a friend pulling the 'smug married' stuff... or invalidating your reasonable wishes for a relationship.
You have a lot to feel proud of, being an independent woman, studying, raising a child alone, in a pandemic!!!, escaping an abuser and cult... working on healing and personal growth. You have every reason to hold your head high and to ask for good things in your life 
Best wishes on the friend search... I found posting here a lot helped me  Best wishes and happy 2021

Happy 2021, Jolly!

Enjoy your vacation (holiday! Lol)!!

I think you hit the nail right on the head here. I have been distancing myself left and right from friends (now former friends) over the past year. I posted something about it a while ago, about how relieved I was.

I'm glad you are meeting better people and doing well! As cliche as it sounds, out with the old, in with the new 

[DistanceNotDefense]

I was and still am extremely insulted by the "logical and intellectual failure" remarks. I got that same uneasy feeling in my gut when I've experienced toxic situations (with my FOO, ex). I am definitely planning on slinking away. I think I've really had enough.

Yeah....so funny similar story, I had a friend give me a tarot reading a year ago that helped me make an important first break from my abusive family.... I'm open to tarot, but not a huge fan....

A few months ago she changed her tune, started saying passive-aggressively that I should let my issues with family go; started humble-bragging about her own family, which hers is highly abusive also. Being around her got downright confusing. She was suddenly making it clear (as clear as passive aggressive people can be) that she was really uncomfortable with my decision to split! It was crazy.

I'm slinking away from her also, but it's "practice" for myself to avoid cutting her off completely. I need to stop that habit. I've been doing so for a couple months now, and I highly recommend it! I have been quick to cut off friends (ugh why is it so much easier to cut off friends than abusive family???!) My urge to do it is SO STRONG. My gut feels like it's frantically ringing bells at me sometimes. But it's been really interesting to see how she's responding to boundaries and realizing, I'm really not getting hurt at all anymore. I'm realizing I can have people in my life at considerable distance instead of burning a bridge (which is a helpful practice for me going NC with my family - I almost feel like my instinct to cut off friends has been misdirected instincts about my FOO all along, and I could use feeling like I have a lot of people in my life, even if they're at varying distances.)

It's totally your prerogative Mintstripes, what you plan to do... However, insulting you like that is of course a very different thing then just being underhandedly invalidated like I was. And you should definitely heed your gut!

[IRedW77]

I'm really glad that analogy was useful. I love analogies!

I'm cynical and avoidant as well. Reading and learning about PD's and C-PTSD has been super eye opening as far as my relationships with people go. I've been rethinking a lot of past relationships and how I feel and think of them in general.

I've always just thought of myself as being very introverted. That's probably still true regardless, but that's missing the big picture. I do like to keep to myself, but it goes beyond what's normal or healthy.

It was funny for me to read about people with C-PTSD getting really good at eliciting from others so they don't have to talk about themselves. I've literally explained that to people I am close to as "my clever strategy." Most people like talking about themselves and are perfectly happy to if you let them.

I never realized that it was an unhealthy defense mechanism. It's just how I deal with new people.

My T asks me every few months how I'm holding up with the pandemic isolation. I keep telling him, it's actually great for me. I'm more worried about when things go back to normal. He forgets because he spends practically all of his sessions with everyone else all day helping them get through the strain of pandemic isolation.

But learning about all of this has shown me that I actually do need more than 1 friend that I talk to every 4 months or so. I have zero idea how to change that, but it's worth trying to change when we can actually be around people again.

I'm actually going through an awful lot right now, and I'm wearing out my poor wife because I have no one else to talk to.

Thinking about past friendships I tend to keep people at arms length. The last office job I had I made friends with everyone I trained with. I just thought of them as work friends and wouldn't have been likely to do anything with any of them outside of work.

I felt like I wouldn't have been friends with any of them if we weren't spending time with each other at work. Once I left that job I left those people completely. That was years ago and probably almost none of them are still working there, but THEY probably still have friendships with each other.

I had a big circle of friends in college. We did spend time together outside of school and had a lot of fun, but once school was over I quickly lost touch with all of them. Those friends were all a lot younger than I was and I probably wouldn't have been friends with any of them if not for school (or so I tell myself).

I'm good at blending in. If I have a bunch of young friends I act like I'm 10 years younger. If I have a bunch of older friends I act like I'm 10 years older. Whoever I'm with I feel like I'm always pretending.

I'm always better than all of them, but simultaneously completely inadequate and not a normal human like they are.

My wife had a close work friend a few years ago before she moved away. I liked her friend. She was very nice, but she was "boring." We never had much to talk about. I never got close to her at all.

At a certain point I have to see that it's not them, it's me. However, you do still need to be able to evaluate people. And some people just aren't good friend or partner material. I think it's a super fine line, and it's really hard to tell if you're listening to yourself or your inner/outer critic.

I think knowing what I know now I'm just going to try to give other people more time and try to keep a more open mind. It's probably actually better for me to err on the side of less cautiousness instead of more. That would probably bring me closer to how "normal" people act—and I'd still probably be more cautious than "normal." I can still always walk away if I make a mistake.

I know that if I feel an instant and strong connection to someone that's probably a red flag. I've read a lot of people on these boards talking about drawing NPD's and other PD's to themselves without realizing it. After a while they learn that they're being abused by another PD and have to break away.

I've never had that happen exactly. However, looking back I do see that I've had a lot of friends with mental health issues. Often there's a stronger and earlier bond with those people.

Also I've learned if you see someone doing bad or unhealthy things to others it's only a matter of time before they turn that around onto you (if they aren't already). In general, a manipulator (whatever mental health category they are) does not discriminate and you aren't immune.

I guess it's wise to always stay on guard against PD behavior.

Otherwise you should try to let your guard down a bit more than feels normal for you, and try to reserve a lot of judgment or take it a bit less seriously.

If you (or I) keep listening to the avoidance, the cynicism, the judgement, or whatever who's left over at the end?

DnD:

Tarot, holy sh**! I don't believe in any of that garbage, but...

My wife wanted to take her friend from out of town to a professional tarot reading when she visited late last (*checks calendar* last, last) year. We all got one for a laugh.

My wife and her friend both felt like they got great readings that were really personal and relevant to them.

Mine involved the reader telling me that I was on the precipice of dealing with major life things that I needed to deal with. Huge life changing things. I gave that poor woman the hardest time. I drew more cards and asked more questions and acted like such an a**hole skeptic.

New cards only reinforced the same message. It just boiled down to her saying, "this is what I see for you, this is where you are and where you're about to be, you just may not see it yet."

Some life stuff happened right after that and I ended up going to see a therapist for the first time in 20+ years. Fast forward to where I am now and fill in the rest of the last year...

Oh man, revenge of the Tarot card reader!

[pianissimo]

Two years ago, there was this time I had coffee with a couple of friends. They were both married, and they were talking about their husbands. They were talking about what their husbands did when they became angry, and, as they talked about it, a voice in my head started screaming "But all that is abuse!!! How do you live with that?!" They were talking about all that as if it's no big deal, and at some point, I started to wonder if it was me who was too sensitive for relationships. I'm a typical introvert. Similar to others in this thread, I have a tendency to cut people out of my life very quickly, I don't have many long-term friendships. Sometimes it feels like I can't sustain friendships or relationships. I have improved myself over time, but I don't know how well I'm doing now. There are times I still find reaching out hard.

With these thoughts in head, when the opportunity to date someone came along, I took it, despite my reservations. Because I thought that, perhaps, I was the one with the problem. Typical self-doubt... So, with this guy, I did my best to go outside of my comfort zone, but when red flags went up (arguing with me in public, the inability to take criticism, inability to show respect for my opinions), I called it quits. I didn't even know about personality disorders, I just knew that I could not be happy in this kind of relationship. When I ended the relationship, I had prepared myself to feel depressed for a couple of months. Here, I'm trying to tell you that, to me, going through depressed feelings in the months that follow the break-up seemed more bearable than being in a relationship that didn't seem right. So, this was kind of my answer: I just can't do it if I don't feel like the relationship is right for me. I have to wait for the right one, whether it comes along in my 40s, 50s, 60s...etc. I realized that I have to accept myself as I am. Sad truth.

I spoke about the red flags to one of the friends I mentioned above. She told me that it was normal, that was how guys were, and if one didn't want to end up alone, some behaviors were something to put up with. At the time, I thought she knew what she was doing, and I thought that perhaps there might be something valid in her perspective. But then, she got a divorce. And, then, she started dating a person that I suspect as narcissistic as it gets.

Looking back, I can see what I considered a friendly chat was not so friendly. When I asked her opinion, she gave hers as if she knew what she was doing, but, in reality, she was justifying the way she lived to herself. She was avoiding being vulnerable. To her, I was not a person who needed support to go through life, I was somebody who was threatening her image of good life by questioning the way my then-boyfriend behaved. The whole speech about being more flexible, not being harsh, being understanding was not about me, she was talking to herself.

Thankfully, I didn't take her advice on relationships, and I went ahead and broke up with my boyfriend. And now, I would become skeptical if people advised me on relationships. Half the time, they themselves don't know what they are doing, and they are very good at looking stronger than they actually are.

Did I solve my problem about finding the significant one? No. Am I happy? No. But, I know that dating a person who is not right for me will not make me happy. I now also know that if I ever feel insecure about being single and have self-doubt, I'm probably in a toxic environment.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I sometimes wonder...

...if there's actually no way to be close with anyone, without getting hurt?

Is what we fear and avoid actually just inevitable? Is hurt just the inevitable chafing of two personalities?

Were we just so hurt by those closest to us (FOO) that we just can't bear to go through that again, or even be reminded of it?

[1footouttadefog]

What it comes down to is that romantic partnerships are a much more intimate relationship that friendships and we have greater specificity in what can exist in thst box.

Its a personal thing, but just because I would not prefer a certain type of person as a sexual and romantic partner does not mean I cannot enjoy a good friendship woth them.

Women, for example are all excluded from my romantic partner box, yet I have great friendships with them.  Then it gets more specific from the generality of gender/sex.  If someone decides they dont want to hang out and have coffee with me because they are not a potential sex partner, then they can take that weirdness along with them, lol.

I have a feeling the smug friend was personally hurt and could not separate herself from what you were rejecting.

[Phoenix Rising]

Really sorry to read that you are having a tough time. I hope that some things have improved in some way since you posted this. I can relate to some of what you've wrote.

I am a single parent as well and it can be rough as it is trying to make/find/keep friends with the responsibilities a parent has. When I started a family, a lot of people seemed to fall off the face of the earth. It's hard enough, without Covid in the mix.

I had a friend, who sounds similar to yours. We could relate to each other about some things like being the same nationality and having lived in the same foreign country. I thought she was a good person to turn to since she got all the nonsense that came with moving over here but I uncovered over the years that she was quite toxic. It felt sometimes like she was shaming me or that she only came around when she had problems. I am VLC with her now.

Last year, I was a victim of a serious set of crimes and on top of Covid, I let myself put up with friends/work colleagues who didn't believe me, didn't support me and ultimately didn't care about me. This year, I cut them all out. It was one of the hardest things ever. Mostly because I have been so darn lonely with the international moves before Covid and adjusting to a calmer, reserved and culturally different population. I often feel like I have no support and that no one believes me.

Easier said than done and I get the mix of feelings like loneliness and longing for meaningful connections.. but IMO, friends like the one and I you described are not worth keeping around. I learned last year that keeping them at the forefront was just disrespecting myself and holding me back.

I don't have a solution for all of what you are going through but it has helped me a lot to try new hobbies, put more energy into my marriage and the few connections that make me feel good, to find support from therapists, counsellors and places like Out of the FOG forum and just focus on me right now. It is incredibly lonely but in a way, I am making so much progress by doing these things and not accepting breadcrumbs or abuse from people just to say I am not alone.

[DetachedAndEngaged]

COVID makes it very hard to meet people. No question. Struggling to recover from current and past PDs makes it harder.

I'm grateful my wife and I get along so well and we share PD FOO backgrounds so we are an excellent non-FOG mutual support network.

Screw people who try and convince you your standards are too high.

I didn't get married until my early 50's and went on over a 1000 (yes, one thousand) first dates before I met my wife. I'm a believer in big numbers--lots of casual coffee dates where I kept my expectations very low. Dating apps are great... that's how I met my wife.

It takes time and energy to meet the right person.

Zoom dates strike me as a super-safe situation in every sense.

Hang in there.

[SparkStillLit]

D&E 1000 dates...wow...I wish *I* had done that...YOU are the schnitzel!
Mintstripes, beg pardon, but telling you that you're being too picky is about the biggest load of organic lawn fertilizer I've EVER heard of! All of us on here? We weren't picky enough. BE. EXTRA. PICKY. With friends and romantic partners. You've suffered enough damage and you don't need to take on any new. While you're cleaning out, feel free to be as picky as possible about what new people you take on! So what if you're wary while you heal? Better that than get kicked around by yet another PD that will cause more trauma you need to recover from. Kind and real people will be patient with you. PDs will not.

[Boat Babe]

 

Be extra picky.

Pure gold.